At long last, I have returned to see that my duty has been properly fulfilled. It's almost been 6 months since I was there, so hopefully my tale does not dull you for lack of vibrant detail.
The next day in our trip was Saturday, June 18th. We woke up early, around 5 am, so that we could be driven over to Jaipur, which is a pretty historical place in early India. The drive there was a microcosm of India itself. One of the first observations I made when I got to India was that the roads are symbolic of India's attitude towards democracy. In the US, we have two directions you can drive. Forward or backward. Left or Right, if viewed from another perspective. Two strictly defined lanes, and all people are strictly in one lane or the other. In India, there are no lanes. Forwards, fifteen point two seven degrees to the left, meandering through both loosely defined suggested directions at will, other cars, people, and cattle be damned. You do what you want, and no one can do a thing about it. Functional anarchy, a true plurality of paradigms, worldviews, ways of life. None of this restrictive, narrow-minded "two party" business. More is better, right? More representative of the varied interests of a very large number of people.
The amount of traffic we dealt with, as a result of the politically sophisticated "rules of the road," was something no person from LA would want to live through. There weren't areas where you could drive fast cause there were no people. People were everywhere, just as in the old days when people would live by the river. But this was far filthier than the Nile that the Egyptians settled along. A road built maybe 50 years ago, before the British left India. Cars around the same age. Massively tan and tattooed trucks, with ink encouraging you to use your horn. There was no real infrastructure here. Literally people living in what seemed to be garages with no houses attached, on the side of the road. Mud, feces, smog, and poverty were their companions.
It was frightening to be exposed to such squalor. Frightening because the compassion you expected would well out of your heart like steam escaping a tea kettle's snout instead chose to huddle in the corner, avert its eyes, mumbling something (perhaps in a British accent) about how deplorable this all was. It (the compassion) was not brave, emphatically embracing these fellow human beings, their dignity and essential humanity respected in your emotion. It was afraid. And numb. Numb because you literally feel nothing. You're not sure if this is turtling your mind against the rush of tragedy, or just pure psychopathy. It feels horrible. To feel nothing. And then, the devilish lawyer in your mind twists it, and you mistake your guilt over feeling nothing as the compassion of the true response you had hoped for all along.
This was pretty much how I felt the whole trip. This made it extremely difficult to parse what my true response was to all that surrounded me. I could never be sure if my response was directly towards what I saw, or directly indirectly from my original lack of response. Later, when we saw more of my family, I felt the same way. It was amazing to be welcomed as family, as if I had been there all along and understood their world as well as they did. But when faced with issues that I had never really had to deal with in my childhood, like the impact that poor lifestyle, age, and the resulting poor health can have on the psyche, my compassion took the fetal position. But they loved me.
Jaipur was worse than Delhi. I was (and am) really uncomfortable with being served, or (even truly) cared for. No matter how much money I end up making, I could never see myself hiring people to cook my food (restaurants excluded), take care of my domestic things, and drive me around. If I can do it, I should, I think, to maintain a close connection with the humming hive of the real world. Something about being driven around, or generally having other people do things for you that most people do themselves just reeks of privilege. And in sight of the gross inequalities at my constant attention, I couldn't stand it. Being reminded that for no reason other than pure, unfair, omnipresent luck, I was luckier than they. And there was no reason for that. They deserved as much as I've had, and after what they've been through, more. Something about being a tourist in this context really bothers me.
In spite of the realization that tourism is the desperate gasp of oxygen reaching life starved veins, I couldn't help but feel like they would have been better off moving far away from the city, and learn to be farmers. Rely on the bounty of the land, rather than the generosity of apathetic strangers and local elites. I thought this would be a more reliable method of sustenance. This is of course an ignorant thought given the arduous life that many Indian farmers lead (read: Monsanto), but either way I didn't feel that my presence contributed towards their sustainable well-being. Their immediate and short-term well-being was abducted by my tourism. Wholly subservient to it. I wasn't sure what would or wouldn't exist there had I never visited.
We visited the castle of Jaipur, which had a classic mix of Hindu, Muslim, and Buddhist architecture. This is where, again, it becomes clear that the recent notion of a strict division between these faiths is a gross oversimplification of the complex cultural exchange between them that has gone on for millenia. The castle was basically at the base of an Indian equivalent of the great wall of China. The worksmanship was incredible, a reminder of what humans can accomplish provided sufficient motivation, in spite of technological limitations.
From there we went back into our bone-chillingly air-conditioned car to grab some lunch. Throughout the trip, we avoided eating food cooked on the street, taking instead to the sorts of the places only tourists go. And it really was that way, we saw the same people eating at this place that we had seen eating at another place on the way here, 200 miles away.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Education reform
http://www.good.is/post/is-education-reform-effective-depends-on-the-definition/
like hipsters, the purpose of education is easier to define in the negative (what it shouldnt accomplish), but ill try anyway. most generally, to produce citizens of democracy and of "the world"... that is, people who are able to make informed decisions on their own, think critically, creatively, and independently. education should explore not only the vast depth of what previous people have thought and done, but should also make you explore your own thoughts and actions by encouraging you to develop reasoning for why you have those thoughts, or provide paths for you to change your opinions/views on the world if they were previously based on ignorance. education should expand peoples mind to not only what is, but what isnt and what could be. a true education fosters a love for learning, an ability to learn for oneself, to judge the quality of one's own work, to be open-minded, and to have an understanding and appreciation of different perspectives, cultural or otherwise.
there is of course a million other things that could be said, but at this point we can stop and ask the natural question: how would you accomplish this? and furthermore, how would you determine that this goal was accomplished? these are difficult questions, ones that i certainly dont know the answer to, but i have my own ideas about... but to finish off i might as well throw out there the idea that i dont think there is any way to measure the success of such an education as was described above. in my opinion, the act of measuring the success of education, which puts an end goal on it, would distort the process away from pure discovery and exploration, and instead focus on the end goal.
is this a contradiction? to say that education has a goal, but then deny it by not focusing on it? i think its a necessary one. zen, if you will. one can have goals, but seek to achieve them "by accident," that is say, naturally. to design a system to achieve and insure the outcome of those goals is the surest way to prevent them from happening.
to be more concrete: the trap we've fallen into is the belief that we need to have some sort of oversight on the quality of education. once we decide that we need some objective metric, then testing naturally comes into the picture. but the problem is this: someone who really understands something can do well on the test, but someone who does well on the test does not necessarily understand the subject at all. so focusing on doing well on a test does not necessarily correlate to understanding the material. a test is a limited subset of the subject, the tip of the iceberg. but theres so much more beneath the surface that is lost. instead, it would be better to just learn for its own sake, without any pressure. then, if by chance you were to test those students, i think they would do better, but it wouldnt even matter.
an implicit assumption most people have is that the end goal of education is our economic prosperity. this too, i think, is misguided. focus on just pure learning for its own sake, and the talented and inspired people produced will prosper, as will everyone around them.
like hipsters, the purpose of education is easier to define in the negative (what it shouldnt accomplish), but ill try anyway. most generally, to produce citizens of democracy and of "the world"... that is, people who are able to make informed decisions on their own, think critically, creatively, and independently. education should explore not only the vast depth of what previous people have thought and done, but should also make you explore your own thoughts and actions by encouraging you to develop reasoning for why you have those thoughts, or provide paths for you to change your opinions/views on the world if they were previously based on ignorance. education should expand peoples mind to not only what is, but what isnt and what could be. a true education fosters a love for learning, an ability to learn for oneself, to judge the quality of one's own work, to be open-minded, and to have an understanding and appreciation of different perspectives, cultural or otherwise.
there is of course a million other things that could be said, but at this point we can stop and ask the natural question: how would you accomplish this? and furthermore, how would you determine that this goal was accomplished? these are difficult questions, ones that i certainly dont know the answer to, but i have my own ideas about... but to finish off i might as well throw out there the idea that i dont think there is any way to measure the success of such an education as was described above. in my opinion, the act of measuring the success of education, which puts an end goal on it, would distort the process away from pure discovery and exploration, and instead focus on the end goal.
is this a contradiction? to say that education has a goal, but then deny it by not focusing on it? i think its a necessary one. zen, if you will. one can have goals, but seek to achieve them "by accident," that is say, naturally. to design a system to achieve and insure the outcome of those goals is the surest way to prevent them from happening.
to be more concrete: the trap we've fallen into is the belief that we need to have some sort of oversight on the quality of education. once we decide that we need some objective metric, then testing naturally comes into the picture. but the problem is this: someone who really understands something can do well on the test, but someone who does well on the test does not necessarily understand the subject at all. so focusing on doing well on a test does not necessarily correlate to understanding the material. a test is a limited subset of the subject, the tip of the iceberg. but theres so much more beneath the surface that is lost. instead, it would be better to just learn for its own sake, without any pressure. then, if by chance you were to test those students, i think they would do better, but it wouldnt even matter.
an implicit assumption most people have is that the end goal of education is our economic prosperity. this too, i think, is misguided. focus on just pure learning for its own sake, and the talented and inspired people produced will prosper, as will everyone around them.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
India: Part 1
I've avoided writing a reflection of my trip for a while now. For over a month, I've stalled and stalled, due to equal parts laziness and... not really knowing how to express what happened. In any case, now I have the advantage of perspective (letting the trip marinate), but I lose out on the finer details that bring the trip to life. I think I've reached the point where I need to use this medium as a tool for me to understand how I feel.
First impressions
We left for India on Monday June 13th, around noon. After a short layover in China, we landed in New Delhi at the ripe hour of 1 am, Wednesday morning. I think one of my first thoughts was... this isn't that hot. This isn't that chaotic. I can handle this... I got this!
We shopped around for a taxi that could take us to the guesthouse we were going to stay at for the next few days. Luckily for us, the driver had no idea where this place was, but we headed out anyway, my dad babbling in Hindi to the driver, ordering him to stay on the right side of the road. Whether the driver couldn't understand him or simply chose to ignore him, we will never know.
Another thought that quickly entered my head was how remarkably similar this felt to Syria... people out and about at 3 in the morning... old, loud, and smelly cars, dilapidated buildings built mostly of concrete. An odd mix of things imported and built in the fifties with modern technology, like new moss on a rotting log. A sense of desperation, that people would do whatever it takes to put bread on the table, even if it was just for one day. Picture a man riding a rusted bike, talking on a cell phone, hauling twenty or thirty propane tanks balanced precariously on top of each other, while weaving through traffic, which is composed of people, bikes, cars, trucks, cows, all going in different directions.
But also, a mixture of ancient architecture with harsh new buildings, like dirty shells surrounding the pearl of the oyster, hiding it from view. An incredible beauty...thousands of thousands of years of history. More ways of living and thinking than there are people in Los Angeles. No concept of a "fake" person because that is a luxury only afforded to Hollywood. But all this is of course not readily apparent when you are driving through the streets of Delhi at 3 am.
Week 1: Delhi and Jaipur
First day we met up with my dad's old friend, from back in high school and through college. We then went to IIT Delhi, where my dad and his (for lack of a better phrase) bros worked post-college for a couple years. It was cool meeting friends that my dad had never once mentioned, but maybe that had something to do with the fact that he hadn't seen these people in 35 years. In spite of that, they got on like it had been a couple months or something, which was comforting.
After lunch, my dad and I left the campus to explore the city a little. We found one of the millions of "auto rickshaws" (basically green and yellow motorized tricycles with a cover, ideal for darting in between cars, cows, or what have you). Our driver, Raja (yes, haha) turned out to be quite the enterprising fellow, as he immediately started trying to monopolize our transportation, in addition to suggesting a few stores we should drop by. We did go to a camera shop he suggested, as the camera we brought used 4 AA batteries every 5 minutes, making it worse than worthless.
Anyway, we first went to a place called Qutab Minar, which is basically a site built by a Muslim king. There's an iron shaft that hasn't rusted in a couple hundred years, which people are still trying to figure out. This place definitely reminded me of Syria, with its architecture/art style, which is largely Islamic (ie geometric patterns instead of representing people). But there was one crucial difference...the addition of Hindu and Buddhist art styles as well.
This was a running theme throughout the trip, the unity of these "separate" cultures, which is really just a British interpretation of Indian history, which was taken up by Indians themselves, creating the current conflict. Point is, the "Hindu v Muslim" conflict is completely artificial, the unfortunate consequence of a misinterpretation of history appropriated by people looking to define what is Indian and what is not.
After we saw that we continued on to see the Lotus Temple, a Baha'i temple shaped, not surprisingly, like a lotus. Then we returned after a solid day of touring the city to our guesthouse, and reunited with my dad's friend to have dinner.
The next day was pretty different, and was one of the hardest days of the trip. With his friend gone, dad decided we should check out places in the heart of the city. We headed out to one place, called Redfort (literally a red fort, with a bunch of Indian political buildings set against British-era stuff). The area surrounding it was crazy.... people everywhere. I really don't know how to put in words the teeming mass of life surrounding this place. People begging everywhere... which I had a lot of trouble with because I just don't know how to handle that... going into the trip I wasn't sure how I would react to the poverty that I encountered... I'm still not sure how I felt. Less emotional than I anticipated, but in a guarded way, steeling myself and holding back to avoid having to deal with an incredible guilt, an involuntary sense of revulsion, coupled with attempting to mask these emotions.
After Redfort we started planning the next few days of our trip. Our plan was to go to Jaipur in two days (Saturday) and go to Kalkata immediately afterward. I don't know why but I didn't like planning these things... I think it has something to do with the fact that I hate spending money. Seeing my dad drop thousands of rupees on our trip to Jaipur, and to the Taj Mahal (in the last week of the trip), in the backdrop of people starving on the street, was just too much for me. I hated feeling like a spoiled little tourist, wasting money when so many people needed it so desperately more than I did. I tried to express this to my dad, who kind of brushed off how uncomfortable I was with this.
We then tried to get to the outskirts of the city to see my aunt and cousins, for the first time. My dad hadn't seen them in 35 years. I was really excited to meet them... a sense of anticipation...what would they be like, and what would I learn about myself in the process? Getting there was pretty ridiculous. Public transportation didn't extend beyond the city, so we tried to take an auto rickshaw. However, they lived in a different district, so the union that the driver was in would not allow him to cross the border. This meant at the border, we had to change drivers, which for whatever reason turned out to be really complicated.
Anyway, we got there pretty late and ended up staying for an hour. When I met my aunt she immediately embraced me, although we could not speak to each other. She was much older than my dad, and at first I wasn't even sure if she was my aunt because she and my dad did not exactly act like I imagined brother and sister would act. My cousin and her husband were incredibly kind. My cousin told us that my aunt was afflicted with depression, and dementia due to the roots of her teeth affecting her brain... we also learned that my other cousin was hospitalized due to a negative reaction to chemotherapy.
It was strange to hear this news... I really didn't know how to feel. I don't even know if I felt anything. Which I then would feel guilty about, building a shit castle of emotion on top of a base of guilt. On the drive back, I tried to convince my dad to either return to Delhi one day earlier, or to cancel our trip to the Taj Mahal so that we could see my hospitalized cousin. This got into the relationship my dad has with his family... I wanted to understand why my dad didn't see his family for so long. I still don't really understand but at this point he felt that it would be "fake" to suddenly care and try and show up... who were we to show up so randomly?
After that day, either from genuine guilt or from guilt at not feeling anything, I started to view everything as a luxury. Showers? I limited my water so that I wasn't running it continuously, like we do back in the states. I felt horrible eating out because that meant we were living like kings.
It was only Thursday, and it felt like we were going to be here forever... I started keeping track of how much longer the trip was going to last.
Friday was a much easier day, as we again spent it with my dad's professor-type friends. We met one of his friends who I found pretty interesting. He started out as a professor of electrical engineering, but ended up making his own school. One of his students did a science fair style project on the tensile strength of bamboo, which piqued his curiosity on the subject and now he is pretty much the professor of bamboo research. In India, there are essentially no forests, so everything is built purely of concrete. This is horribly expensive, bad for the environment, and not particularly resilient. Bamboo, on the other hand, has the potential to be cheap, sustainable, and hardy. It was cool to see someone trying to improve the living situation, and to hear how he, through a series of small steps, transformed his occupation to what it is now.
First impressions
We left for India on Monday June 13th, around noon. After a short layover in China, we landed in New Delhi at the ripe hour of 1 am, Wednesday morning. I think one of my first thoughts was... this isn't that hot. This isn't that chaotic. I can handle this... I got this!
We shopped around for a taxi that could take us to the guesthouse we were going to stay at for the next few days. Luckily for us, the driver had no idea where this place was, but we headed out anyway, my dad babbling in Hindi to the driver, ordering him to stay on the right side of the road. Whether the driver couldn't understand him or simply chose to ignore him, we will never know.
Another thought that quickly entered my head was how remarkably similar this felt to Syria... people out and about at 3 in the morning... old, loud, and smelly cars, dilapidated buildings built mostly of concrete. An odd mix of things imported and built in the fifties with modern technology, like new moss on a rotting log. A sense of desperation, that people would do whatever it takes to put bread on the table, even if it was just for one day. Picture a man riding a rusted bike, talking on a cell phone, hauling twenty or thirty propane tanks balanced precariously on top of each other, while weaving through traffic, which is composed of people, bikes, cars, trucks, cows, all going in different directions.
But also, a mixture of ancient architecture with harsh new buildings, like dirty shells surrounding the pearl of the oyster, hiding it from view. An incredible beauty...thousands of thousands of years of history. More ways of living and thinking than there are people in Los Angeles. No concept of a "fake" person because that is a luxury only afforded to Hollywood. But all this is of course not readily apparent when you are driving through the streets of Delhi at 3 am.
Week 1: Delhi and Jaipur
First day we met up with my dad's old friend, from back in high school and through college. We then went to IIT Delhi, where my dad and his (for lack of a better phrase) bros worked post-college for a couple years. It was cool meeting friends that my dad had never once mentioned, but maybe that had something to do with the fact that he hadn't seen these people in 35 years. In spite of that, they got on like it had been a couple months or something, which was comforting.
After lunch, my dad and I left the campus to explore the city a little. We found one of the millions of "auto rickshaws" (basically green and yellow motorized tricycles with a cover, ideal for darting in between cars, cows, or what have you). Our driver, Raja (yes, haha) turned out to be quite the enterprising fellow, as he immediately started trying to monopolize our transportation, in addition to suggesting a few stores we should drop by. We did go to a camera shop he suggested, as the camera we brought used 4 AA batteries every 5 minutes, making it worse than worthless.
Anyway, we first went to a place called Qutab Minar, which is basically a site built by a Muslim king. There's an iron shaft that hasn't rusted in a couple hundred years, which people are still trying to figure out. This place definitely reminded me of Syria, with its architecture/art style, which is largely Islamic (ie geometric patterns instead of representing people). But there was one crucial difference...the addition of Hindu and Buddhist art styles as well.
This was a running theme throughout the trip, the unity of these "separate" cultures, which is really just a British interpretation of Indian history, which was taken up by Indians themselves, creating the current conflict. Point is, the "Hindu v Muslim" conflict is completely artificial, the unfortunate consequence of a misinterpretation of history appropriated by people looking to define what is Indian and what is not.
After we saw that we continued on to see the Lotus Temple, a Baha'i temple shaped, not surprisingly, like a lotus. Then we returned after a solid day of touring the city to our guesthouse, and reunited with my dad's friend to have dinner.
The next day was pretty different, and was one of the hardest days of the trip. With his friend gone, dad decided we should check out places in the heart of the city. We headed out to one place, called Redfort (literally a red fort, with a bunch of Indian political buildings set against British-era stuff). The area surrounding it was crazy.... people everywhere. I really don't know how to put in words the teeming mass of life surrounding this place. People begging everywhere... which I had a lot of trouble with because I just don't know how to handle that... going into the trip I wasn't sure how I would react to the poverty that I encountered... I'm still not sure how I felt. Less emotional than I anticipated, but in a guarded way, steeling myself and holding back to avoid having to deal with an incredible guilt, an involuntary sense of revulsion, coupled with attempting to mask these emotions.
After Redfort we started planning the next few days of our trip. Our plan was to go to Jaipur in two days (Saturday) and go to Kalkata immediately afterward. I don't know why but I didn't like planning these things... I think it has something to do with the fact that I hate spending money. Seeing my dad drop thousands of rupees on our trip to Jaipur, and to the Taj Mahal (in the last week of the trip), in the backdrop of people starving on the street, was just too much for me. I hated feeling like a spoiled little tourist, wasting money when so many people needed it so desperately more than I did. I tried to express this to my dad, who kind of brushed off how uncomfortable I was with this.
We then tried to get to the outskirts of the city to see my aunt and cousins, for the first time. My dad hadn't seen them in 35 years. I was really excited to meet them... a sense of anticipation...what would they be like, and what would I learn about myself in the process? Getting there was pretty ridiculous. Public transportation didn't extend beyond the city, so we tried to take an auto rickshaw. However, they lived in a different district, so the union that the driver was in would not allow him to cross the border. This meant at the border, we had to change drivers, which for whatever reason turned out to be really complicated.
Anyway, we got there pretty late and ended up staying for an hour. When I met my aunt she immediately embraced me, although we could not speak to each other. She was much older than my dad, and at first I wasn't even sure if she was my aunt because she and my dad did not exactly act like I imagined brother and sister would act. My cousin and her husband were incredibly kind. My cousin told us that my aunt was afflicted with depression, and dementia due to the roots of her teeth affecting her brain... we also learned that my other cousin was hospitalized due to a negative reaction to chemotherapy.
It was strange to hear this news... I really didn't know how to feel. I don't even know if I felt anything. Which I then would feel guilty about, building a shit castle of emotion on top of a base of guilt. On the drive back, I tried to convince my dad to either return to Delhi one day earlier, or to cancel our trip to the Taj Mahal so that we could see my hospitalized cousin. This got into the relationship my dad has with his family... I wanted to understand why my dad didn't see his family for so long. I still don't really understand but at this point he felt that it would be "fake" to suddenly care and try and show up... who were we to show up so randomly?
After that day, either from genuine guilt or from guilt at not feeling anything, I started to view everything as a luxury. Showers? I limited my water so that I wasn't running it continuously, like we do back in the states. I felt horrible eating out because that meant we were living like kings.
It was only Thursday, and it felt like we were going to be here forever... I started keeping track of how much longer the trip was going to last.
Friday was a much easier day, as we again spent it with my dad's professor-type friends. We met one of his friends who I found pretty interesting. He started out as a professor of electrical engineering, but ended up making his own school. One of his students did a science fair style project on the tensile strength of bamboo, which piqued his curiosity on the subject and now he is pretty much the professor of bamboo research. In India, there are essentially no forests, so everything is built purely of concrete. This is horribly expensive, bad for the environment, and not particularly resilient. Bamboo, on the other hand, has the potential to be cheap, sustainable, and hardy. It was cool to see someone trying to improve the living situation, and to hear how he, through a series of small steps, transformed his occupation to what it is now.
Monday, March 21, 2011
spring quarter
It's that time ladies and gents... the end of college is nigh. What the fuck happened? All I can say at this point is, it's been an awesome ride. I started college very critical of the stereotypical college image/student, and yet somehow, in a way, I ended up conforming to that image.
More reflections later, but for now, here are some things I want to see happen:
1. Hang OUT! Seriously, I am down for anything and want to make the most of spring with good friends old and new. This one is really the most important because the rest I can accomplish on my own, anywhere.
2. Exercise. I'm writing this because I know if I don't post it publicly I won't hold myself to it... but I really want to get in the habit of going to the gym at least 3 times a week, not just for health reasons (heart problems on both sides of my family woo) but to feel good about myself.
3. Cooking. I ate out a lot last quarter. The thing is, eating out is very social... like if you want to catch up with someone, you go out and get some dinner or something. But it doesn't have to be that way. Why not cook in someone's apartment instead? I ran into a few websites on accident recently that got me really excited about actually following recipes, which is something I never do. Soo I want to cook new things more often!
4. Music. I've really been slacking on this front... I literally cannot finish writing anything. I'll be really diggin this idea, and then I think about it later and decide it's really lame. I feel like I just need to be in the right place and be willing to ride that emotion all the way to its full expression. Like what will happen is I'm feeling something and I'll play it on the guitar. Then I'll be like... this is actually not too bad, I might be able to develop it more. BUT I dont. Sigh.
More reflections later, but for now, here are some things I want to see happen:
1. Hang OUT! Seriously, I am down for anything and want to make the most of spring with good friends old and new. This one is really the most important because the rest I can accomplish on my own, anywhere.
2. Exercise. I'm writing this because I know if I don't post it publicly I won't hold myself to it... but I really want to get in the habit of going to the gym at least 3 times a week, not just for health reasons (heart problems on both sides of my family woo) but to feel good about myself.
3. Cooking. I ate out a lot last quarter. The thing is, eating out is very social... like if you want to catch up with someone, you go out and get some dinner or something. But it doesn't have to be that way. Why not cook in someone's apartment instead? I ran into a few websites on accident recently that got me really excited about actually following recipes, which is something I never do. Soo I want to cook new things more often!
4. Music. I've really been slacking on this front... I literally cannot finish writing anything. I'll be really diggin this idea, and then I think about it later and decide it's really lame. I feel like I just need to be in the right place and be willing to ride that emotion all the way to its full expression. Like what will happen is I'm feeling something and I'll play it on the guitar. Then I'll be like... this is actually not too bad, I might be able to develop it more. BUT I dont. Sigh.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
black swan
Black Swan was a really interesting movie to me. I watched it about a month ago, and have been meaning to blog about it since... but I have so many ideas on what to write about that I've been overwhelmed... I wish I could devote more to this post but I'm just going to let it out as is:
I really related to it, actually. So really the whole point of the movie is to examine Natalie Portman's character as she seeks perfection. It was kind of a hard movie to watch because you are literally in Nina's (Natalie Portman's) universe pretty much the whole time- there's no escape. Even traveling shots were right over her shoulder or right in front of her, so you never really get an objective version of the story (if that would even make sense). As she goes insane, it's painful- she tears stuff out of her body, shit happens but then we realize it didn't actually happen, and we as the audience feel the growing tension in Nina as the big show approaches. On an emotional level the movie grabbed me.
I think if anything, my parents gave me a passion for perfection. This actually makes it really hard for me or other people to distinguish what I'm truly passionate about, as I tend to put my all in pretty much everything I do. I think this has its roots in an identity crisis- I have a tendency to define myself by what I devote myself to. For example, my first two years in college, I devoted myself completely to studying, and then the two years following my focus was on mentorship. I think it is in part because of my identity issues or whatever that I tend to do this.
This year has been a challenge as I've been trying to distance myself from that tendency... finding myself in absence of being enveloped by some greater cause. That is not to say that I am not committed to some cause, just that I don't let it solely define me. It's all about finding that balance between seeking complete perfection for its own sake and pure, spontaneous passion. I really think for Nina it's the same thing- for her the goal is perfection, the relationship her art has to emotion is merely by association with how other people approach dance. It's not like for her there's necessarily an emotional release with every performance.
But more than that the movie makes a statement about artists and the relationship the artist has with him/herself. Like even the sex scene, and the whole "playing with herself" stuff was really about finding passion and reconnecting with yourself in order to heighten your art. And the way that Nina had in Lily (Mila Kunis) the black swan version of herself...to the point where I humored the idea that Lily was made up by Nina/was Nina, in a Fight Club sort of way. True art is a balance between technique (mind) and pure inspiration/creation (heart), and the true artist must fight between these two extremes.
Another thing the movie made me think about is how crazy you have to be as an artist, or just as someone completely devoted to something. Have you ever lost yourself to something, completely? To the point where that one thing is the only thing you live and breathe, the very reason you wake up each and every morning. Where you know every minute detail, and at night you dream about it, resolving conflicts through sleep. Where any other activity is expendable, and should it be necessary you would return to the subject of your devotion immediately. It's to the point where you're not even enjoying it or doing it for the reason you started... it's come to define who you are to such a large extent that that is all you have. That's a particular kind of crazy. I don't know if I can describe it better than that but I think it's important to experience at least once.
I really related to it, actually. So really the whole point of the movie is to examine Natalie Portman's character as she seeks perfection. It was kind of a hard movie to watch because you are literally in Nina's (Natalie Portman's) universe pretty much the whole time- there's no escape. Even traveling shots were right over her shoulder or right in front of her, so you never really get an objective version of the story (if that would even make sense). As she goes insane, it's painful- she tears stuff out of her body, shit happens but then we realize it didn't actually happen, and we as the audience feel the growing tension in Nina as the big show approaches. On an emotional level the movie grabbed me.
I think if anything, my parents gave me a passion for perfection. This actually makes it really hard for me or other people to distinguish what I'm truly passionate about, as I tend to put my all in pretty much everything I do. I think this has its roots in an identity crisis- I have a tendency to define myself by what I devote myself to. For example, my first two years in college, I devoted myself completely to studying, and then the two years following my focus was on mentorship. I think it is in part because of my identity issues or whatever that I tend to do this.
This year has been a challenge as I've been trying to distance myself from that tendency... finding myself in absence of being enveloped by some greater cause. That is not to say that I am not committed to some cause, just that I don't let it solely define me. It's all about finding that balance between seeking complete perfection for its own sake and pure, spontaneous passion. I really think for Nina it's the same thing- for her the goal is perfection, the relationship her art has to emotion is merely by association with how other people approach dance. It's not like for her there's necessarily an emotional release with every performance.
But more than that the movie makes a statement about artists and the relationship the artist has with him/herself. Like even the sex scene, and the whole "playing with herself" stuff was really about finding passion and reconnecting with yourself in order to heighten your art. And the way that Nina had in Lily (Mila Kunis) the black swan version of herself...to the point where I humored the idea that Lily was made up by Nina/was Nina, in a Fight Club sort of way. True art is a balance between technique (mind) and pure inspiration/creation (heart), and the true artist must fight between these two extremes.
Another thing the movie made me think about is how crazy you have to be as an artist, or just as someone completely devoted to something. Have you ever lost yourself to something, completely? To the point where that one thing is the only thing you live and breathe, the very reason you wake up each and every morning. Where you know every minute detail, and at night you dream about it, resolving conflicts through sleep. Where any other activity is expendable, and should it be necessary you would return to the subject of your devotion immediately. It's to the point where you're not even enjoying it or doing it for the reason you started... it's come to define who you are to such a large extent that that is all you have. That's a particular kind of crazy. I don't know if I can describe it better than that but I think it's important to experience at least once.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
distributed responsibility
Last night I was walking back from class, and I noticed that a sprinkler was broken on Strathmore. Water was spurting out of it, forming a leaning column of water around 8 feet high. I was walking on the opposite sidewalk, but there was no avoiding the fact that there was a shit load of water being dumped out every second, watering the concrete. I took another step as I thought to myself... surely someone else noticed this and reported it already. After all, how could someone else NOT report it, right? Such an egregious waste of water would have been quickly taken care of, if the manager of the apartment right in front of the sprinkler wasn't already taking care of it.
One more step forward. I started thinking about how many times I had walked by some problem or issue that I had assumed someone else was taking care of already. A car pulled over on the freeway; a stranger looking upset and alone; a lost dog with no owner, wandering on campus. Step. Each time, I thought to myself... I don't have time to deal with this right now. Someone else will. Step.
Doesn't everyone feel that way? Step. Turn. Cross.
The manager's number was on a sign. I called it. No response. I snaked around the gushing water to walk into the apartment complex and found the manager's apartment. Knock knock. No response.
By this time the sprinklers had turned off, so I left.
The next day, today, I get a call from the manager. I told him what I saw and he was shocked. He had no idea that this was going on. I was surprised, but fascinated, that no one else had reported this. Not even tenants, who surely had to walk around the water just as I had.
One more step forward. I started thinking about how many times I had walked by some problem or issue that I had assumed someone else was taking care of already. A car pulled over on the freeway; a stranger looking upset and alone; a lost dog with no owner, wandering on campus. Step. Each time, I thought to myself... I don't have time to deal with this right now. Someone else will. Step.
Doesn't everyone feel that way? Step. Turn. Cross.
The manager's number was on a sign. I called it. No response. I snaked around the gushing water to walk into the apartment complex and found the manager's apartment. Knock knock. No response.
By this time the sprinklers had turned off, so I left.
The next day, today, I get a call from the manager. I told him what I saw and he was shocked. He had no idea that this was going on. I was surprised, but fascinated, that no one else had reported this. Not even tenants, who surely had to walk around the water just as I had.
Monday, January 3, 2011
collective impact
"In short, the nonprofit sector most frequently operates using an approach that we call isolated impact. It is an approach oriented toward finding and funding a solution embodied within a single organization, combined with the hope that the most effective organizations will grow or replicate to extend their impact more widely. Funders search for more effective interventions as if there were a cure for failing schools that only needs to be discovered, in the way that medical cures are discovered in laboratories. As a result of this process, nearly 1.4 million nonprofits try to invent independent solutions to major social problems, often working at odds with each other and exponentially increasing the perceived resources required to make meaningful progress. Recent trends have only reinforced this perspective. The growing interest in venture philanthropy and social entrepreneurship, for example, has greatly benefited the social sector by identifying and accelerating the growth of many high-performing nonprofits, yet it has also accentuated an emphasis on scaling up a few select organizations as the key to social progress."
Collective Impact
Collective Impact
Sunday, December 26, 2010
serendipity
Sometimes I can't help but feel that life is too fantastic to be an accident. When looking at it out of its context, our lives are composed of small, meaningless events, like single notes in a song. But we stumble on something, completely by accident, and then suddenly it swells and becomes the most meaningful part of our lives. And there was no predicting that, or forcing it, either. There are too many cliched metaphors for this, from a snowball to an avalanche, a butterfly to a tornado, and so on.
Like if I think about how I've met the people I know, and how they came to be a big part of my life, it was rarely ever an intentional process, at least at first. Every friend was a happy accident.
Like any scientific discovery, the most important moments of our lives are out of our control. (Or have you ever wondered how people discovered edible foods, spices, fire, and how to cook? etc etc. talk about serendipity!)
I met this one guy, let's call him Mark, my first week at UCLA. I was just sitting in the dining hall, eating by myself, and this guy asks if he can join me. We talk and realize that we have some stuff in common- he's full Syrian, I'm half. And so on. It was really cool of him to take the initiative but at the time I didn't think much of it. But every time after that, when we saw each other walking from class, we would say hi.
I didn't see this guy for 2 years, and then I added the math major. Turns out he's a math major too, and by then he had decided to be a doctor. He had worked in Haiti (before the earthquake) and the experience inspired him to be a doctor. It was crazy to see how, from the start, neither of us really had anything to live for, in the purest sense, but 3 years later, somehow both of us had discovered who we wanted to be.
He graduated this past quarter. It was cool talking to him about what he wanted to do and where he was headed, because we both realized just how much college affected us, and how surprising the effect.
It got me thinking about how everyone has this thing that they want to do to make the world a better place. Well, maybe not everyone. But I've definitely met a lot of people at UCLA that want to change the world, and everyone has a slightly different take on what to do. Education reform, science, being a doctor, artist, what have you, it's really amazing how many people have passion.
Will this passion have an impact? I'm not sure... look at the '60s. The ideals of that era remain only in pop culture and maybe some parts of Venice Beach and San Francisco. If we compare our generation to that one we are definitely more tame... so who is to say that we will put up the necessary fight to produce meaningful positive change.
I know college is a bubble, but I'll really miss this environment...it's definitely an inspiring place.
Like if I think about how I've met the people I know, and how they came to be a big part of my life, it was rarely ever an intentional process, at least at first. Every friend was a happy accident.
Like any scientific discovery, the most important moments of our lives are out of our control. (Or have you ever wondered how people discovered edible foods, spices, fire, and how to cook? etc etc. talk about serendipity!)
I met this one guy, let's call him Mark, my first week at UCLA. I was just sitting in the dining hall, eating by myself, and this guy asks if he can join me. We talk and realize that we have some stuff in common- he's full Syrian, I'm half. And so on. It was really cool of him to take the initiative but at the time I didn't think much of it. But every time after that, when we saw each other walking from class, we would say hi.
I didn't see this guy for 2 years, and then I added the math major. Turns out he's a math major too, and by then he had decided to be a doctor. He had worked in Haiti (before the earthquake) and the experience inspired him to be a doctor. It was crazy to see how, from the start, neither of us really had anything to live for, in the purest sense, but 3 years later, somehow both of us had discovered who we wanted to be.
He graduated this past quarter. It was cool talking to him about what he wanted to do and where he was headed, because we both realized just how much college affected us, and how surprising the effect.
It got me thinking about how everyone has this thing that they want to do to make the world a better place. Well, maybe not everyone. But I've definitely met a lot of people at UCLA that want to change the world, and everyone has a slightly different take on what to do. Education reform, science, being a doctor, artist, what have you, it's really amazing how many people have passion.
Will this passion have an impact? I'm not sure... look at the '60s. The ideals of that era remain only in pop culture and maybe some parts of Venice Beach and San Francisco. If we compare our generation to that one we are definitely more tame... so who is to say that we will put up the necessary fight to produce meaningful positive change.
I know college is a bubble, but I'll really miss this environment...it's definitely an inspiring place.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
a letter to StudentsFirst
Michelle Rhee started a website called studentsfirst.org, which is intended to unite those working on education reform and catalyze the improvement of our public schools. Everyone's noticed that education reform is really a popular topic nowadays, so I was excited to see that someone is trying to unite all these conversations and really make something happen.
The problem with the mainstream conversation on education reform is it misses the point. The widely stated concern is that because American students are failing on their test scores, our schools are failing students in their mission to prepare them for competition with other nations in the future (economic future is a term that people like to use). We're all talking about how to improve learning, but in the mainstream the focus is always on improving the kind of learning that has always occurred in US schools.
We're not looking to change that in any way, just improve it. I take issue with this. I believe that the entire approach to education is wrong, and that it has been wrong since public education started. It's not like we got off track only recently, we've been off track for ~100 years. I think focusing on why we educate will help us make better policy towards improving education, which (as a at this point meaningless exercise) would improve test scores. A true education creates revolutionary and creative thinkers, people who can think and create for themselves. People who judge the quality of the work they produce themselves, and can determine what is needed for improvement. They understand when to consult others, but also when to trust their own reasoning. Problem solvers.
A true educated population would destroy the current economic system. This is why we don't discuss the purpose of education, but if we look into it, the end result is it produces people who are empowered to change the world around them. If you don't want to change the world, don't educate your kids.
There is probably 0% chance that anyone at StudentsFirst will actually read this and think about what I mean, but I wrote a letter to them anyway:
"I'm sure other people have said this, but I feel the need to comment on an omission in the StudentFirst mission statement.
What is the end goal of education? And what is StudentFirst's position on the purpose of education? I think people operate with fundamentally different beliefs on what education should accomplish, and this is really where the conversation on reform should start.
Test scores are a (hopeful) means to an end. We hope that high test scores are caused by true learning, but I wonder if the very act of leaving the judgement of the quality of education to someone other than the student strips the student of a voice in the learning process. An empowered learner is one who determines for him or herself whether or not they have learned the material. Our goal should be to create empowered learners, people who can leave school and continue to learn.
Is education merely a tool to further our nation's economic development? No, education develops critical thinking, creating a nation of individuals who ask questions and seek answers based on evidence.
I just think it is important to state specifically what we want education to accomplish, as that will inform the direction of the reform.
Discussing what education should really accomplish is a dangerous thing- this is a much more divisive topic than simply what is needed to improve the current system. I understand that StudentsFirst aims to unite those interested in reform, and such a discussion would likely polarize reformers.
Anyone who has read Pedagogy of the Oppressed or Savage Inequalities understands what is really at stake here. Not everyone agrees with the conclusions reached by such authors, but if we truly want to put students first, we must talk about what it really means to be an educated person, and how society would change as a result."
The problem with the mainstream conversation on education reform is it misses the point. The widely stated concern is that because American students are failing on their test scores, our schools are failing students in their mission to prepare them for competition with other nations in the future (economic future is a term that people like to use). We're all talking about how to improve learning, but in the mainstream the focus is always on improving the kind of learning that has always occurred in US schools.
We're not looking to change that in any way, just improve it. I take issue with this. I believe that the entire approach to education is wrong, and that it has been wrong since public education started. It's not like we got off track only recently, we've been off track for ~100 years. I think focusing on why we educate will help us make better policy towards improving education, which (as a at this point meaningless exercise) would improve test scores. A true education creates revolutionary and creative thinkers, people who can think and create for themselves. People who judge the quality of the work they produce themselves, and can determine what is needed for improvement. They understand when to consult others, but also when to trust their own reasoning. Problem solvers.
A true educated population would destroy the current economic system. This is why we don't discuss the purpose of education, but if we look into it, the end result is it produces people who are empowered to change the world around them. If you don't want to change the world, don't educate your kids.
There is probably 0% chance that anyone at StudentsFirst will actually read this and think about what I mean, but I wrote a letter to them anyway:
"I'm sure other people have said this, but I feel the need to comment on an omission in the StudentFirst mission statement.
What is the end goal of education? And what is StudentFirst's position on the purpose of education? I think people operate with fundamentally different beliefs on what education should accomplish, and this is really where the conversation on reform should start.
Test scores are a (hopeful) means to an end. We hope that high test scores are caused by true learning, but I wonder if the very act of leaving the judgement of the quality of education to someone other than the student strips the student of a voice in the learning process. An empowered learner is one who determines for him or herself whether or not they have learned the material. Our goal should be to create empowered learners, people who can leave school and continue to learn.
Is education merely a tool to further our nation's economic development? No, education develops critical thinking, creating a nation of individuals who ask questions and seek answers based on evidence.
I just think it is important to state specifically what we want education to accomplish, as that will inform the direction of the reform.
Discussing what education should really accomplish is a dangerous thing- this is a much more divisive topic than simply what is needed to improve the current system. I understand that StudentsFirst aims to unite those interested in reform, and such a discussion would likely polarize reformers.
Anyone who has read Pedagogy of the Oppressed or Savage Inequalities understands what is really at stake here. Not everyone agrees with the conclusions reached by such authors, but if we truly want to put students first, we must talk about what it really means to be an educated person, and how society would change as a result."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
devotion
I just spent 4.5 hours preparing and scanning solutions to the practice final (and another handout I made) for my AAP students. Right now I'm sort of frustrated because I don't even know how it took that long, and the majority of the time wasn't even on something productive, it was just on scanning. It's crazy!! Like probably a good 2.5 hours of that was me just sitting at the scanner, waiting for it to scan hella pages (it actually takes a pretty long time, and the software is buggy so it messes up, which means rescanning)...
It made me think about the difference between an idea and really making that idea happen. The difference is devotion to the idea. Anyone can think of an idea. Like I had the idea to make a pretty thorough and challenging practice final, and an additional worksheet on symmetry (since many of my students didn't understand when you can/can't use symmetry to simplify a problem). Sounds easy, but in total it probably took me like 10 hours of work (during finals week, no less) to pull off, from thinking of new problems they haven't done before/researching problems, to designing the worksheet on symmetry (which I've seen no precedent for), to writing out the solutions, correcting my solutions to make sure I made no mistakes, to finally scanning them. I had no idea it would take this long, and now I know why so many professors don't post solutions- it takes longer than you think!!
It really sounds like I'm complaining... I'm not. I'm shocked at how long it took me, but I realized that I wouldn't be willing to spend this much time (and a significant portion on things that don't *directly* benefit my tutees, like scanning the solutions, when I could spend longer finding better problems to put on the final) unless I really cared. I guess that's how you know what you're passionate about- if you're willing to go from the idea to it's execution, regardless of the bullshit in between, then you are passionate about that idea. And believe me, there will always be bullshit standing between a great idea and its execution.
This is also the way I've been thinking about picking a job... like the stuff that engineers do sounds really cool, right? Design an iPod (well, I used to think that would be cool). Make a space shuttle. Design a fuel efficient vehicle. The results are cool for sure. But there's soooo much that goes from idea to execution that you don't think about, and in reality that's what most people working on a project will spend their time on: getting small shit done.
What I realized, though, was I really didn't care enough about the end products produced to do all the small things that lead towards the end result. And I didn't even really enjoy the small shit that much either, it was really tedious. Hence, not gonna be an engineer.
This made me think of my experiences in mentorship, too. I would spend sooo long on annoying things like going to the CSP office, researching where to buy supplies, figuring out how to get around bureaucracy, when those things didn't directly benefit the program. But they needed to be done. If you really care, you make it happen. And even though it was frustrating, I had the bigger picture in mind and knew that this was important. As annoying as it was, I enjoyed the small things more than as an engineer, because at least you're a) interacting with people, b) trying to overcome the man, man, and c) working towards a meaningful future (something I've come to realize is I care more about social reform than technical advancement, although the latter definitely impacts the former, for better or for worse).
tl;dr: Making a vision a reality always has bullshit along the way. I've come to realize that you should spend your time dealing with bullshit you don't mind wading through for the end result. Or, put another way, do something that you can view as a journey, not a destination.
Man, that last sentence is good, if I may say so myself, even if it is cliched. It makes me want to rewrite this whole post with that as the thesis. Eh.
It made me think about the difference between an idea and really making that idea happen. The difference is devotion to the idea. Anyone can think of an idea. Like I had the idea to make a pretty thorough and challenging practice final, and an additional worksheet on symmetry (since many of my students didn't understand when you can/can't use symmetry to simplify a problem). Sounds easy, but in total it probably took me like 10 hours of work (during finals week, no less) to pull off, from thinking of new problems they haven't done before/researching problems, to designing the worksheet on symmetry (which I've seen no precedent for), to writing out the solutions, correcting my solutions to make sure I made no mistakes, to finally scanning them. I had no idea it would take this long, and now I know why so many professors don't post solutions- it takes longer than you think!!
It really sounds like I'm complaining... I'm not. I'm shocked at how long it took me, but I realized that I wouldn't be willing to spend this much time (and a significant portion on things that don't *directly* benefit my tutees, like scanning the solutions, when I could spend longer finding better problems to put on the final) unless I really cared. I guess that's how you know what you're passionate about- if you're willing to go from the idea to it's execution, regardless of the bullshit in between, then you are passionate about that idea. And believe me, there will always be bullshit standing between a great idea and its execution.
This is also the way I've been thinking about picking a job... like the stuff that engineers do sounds really cool, right? Design an iPod (well, I used to think that would be cool). Make a space shuttle. Design a fuel efficient vehicle. The results are cool for sure. But there's soooo much that goes from idea to execution that you don't think about, and in reality that's what most people working on a project will spend their time on: getting small shit done.
What I realized, though, was I really didn't care enough about the end products produced to do all the small things that lead towards the end result. And I didn't even really enjoy the small shit that much either, it was really tedious. Hence, not gonna be an engineer.
This made me think of my experiences in mentorship, too. I would spend sooo long on annoying things like going to the CSP office, researching where to buy supplies, figuring out how to get around bureaucracy, when those things didn't directly benefit the program. But they needed to be done. If you really care, you make it happen. And even though it was frustrating, I had the bigger picture in mind and knew that this was important. As annoying as it was, I enjoyed the small things more than as an engineer, because at least you're a) interacting with people, b) trying to overcome the man, man, and c) working towards a meaningful future (something I've come to realize is I care more about social reform than technical advancement, although the latter definitely impacts the former, for better or for worse).
tl;dr: Making a vision a reality always has bullshit along the way. I've come to realize that you should spend your time dealing with bullshit you don't mind wading through for the end result. Or, put another way, do something that you can view as a journey, not a destination.
Man, that last sentence is good, if I may say so myself, even if it is cliched. It makes me want to rewrite this whole post with that as the thesis. Eh.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
changing tires
I was driving back home an hour ago when suddenly my car hit a huge bump, like a speed bump except on a major street, right next to a light. For a split second my car was literally in midair. When it crashed back down to earth my first thought was "FUCK!". After that I started wondering why there was an ambulance leaving 100 feet away. I kept driving. 100 feet later I noticed my car making some funny sounds, so I pulled over right before the 10 freeway. My right front tire was completely flat! The hubcap was bent at the point where it had contacted the bump and I was pretty much just driving on metal.
Maybe I should keep going, I thought. No, that's a stupid fucking idea. So I turned around and stopped at the gas station across the street. Not knowing what to do, I called the friends I just left and asked them for help. When I called, I asked if they had a AAA membership and if I could use it. For whatever reason I a) didn't think I had a spare tire, b) even if I had a spare tire, (and if I did I had a vague idea of where to find it) I doubted I had the tools necessary to replace the tire. Apparently these things are in all cars, ready to go. Somehow I didn't get the memo...
Sidenote: it's funny how sometimes your ignorance is upset so suddenly, almost like a paradigm shift. It simply wasn't in my worldview (too strong?) to see if I could replace the tire; I vaguely suspected I wouldn't have the parts, etc. And then my friend asks me a few questions and I realize- wait, I don't need AAA???
Luckily I wasn't far away so some friends came and helped me change the tire, as I was clearly completely ignorant on how this strange ritual works. Well, let me tell you, it does. I would've been screwed if it hadn't been for them, they were extremely cool about having to help me out at 1 in the morning. And now I will know that I have all the tools and some of the knowhow to do it myself next time!
Maybe I should keep going, I thought. No, that's a stupid fucking idea. So I turned around and stopped at the gas station across the street. Not knowing what to do, I called the friends I just left and asked them for help. When I called, I asked if they had a AAA membership and if I could use it. For whatever reason I a) didn't think I had a spare tire, b) even if I had a spare tire, (and if I did I had a vague idea of where to find it) I doubted I had the tools necessary to replace the tire. Apparently these things are in all cars, ready to go. Somehow I didn't get the memo...
Sidenote: it's funny how sometimes your ignorance is upset so suddenly, almost like a paradigm shift. It simply wasn't in my worldview (too strong?) to see if I could replace the tire; I vaguely suspected I wouldn't have the parts, etc. And then my friend asks me a few questions and I realize- wait, I don't need AAA???
Luckily I wasn't far away so some friends came and helped me change the tire, as I was clearly completely ignorant on how this strange ritual works. Well, let me tell you, it does. I would've been screwed if it hadn't been for them, they were extremely cool about having to help me out at 1 in the morning. And now I will know that I have all the tools and some of the knowhow to do it myself next time!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
whatever, man, part 2
The spiritual successor of an earlier post...
So in a few days (now it's.. today.), I need to make a decision. I had two offers, one of which I've already rejected because I was against what that company did (although I tricked myself into going there for 2 summers... sooo happy that I finally called to say I will NOT work there!!). So now it's one offer, but still a yes or no decision, and a non-trivial one.
What's at stake here? Probably not much, in the long run, of course. Making decisions like this, I always picture a fork in the road. Once you take one side of the fork, your life opens new paths and branches that would not have been available to you had you taken the other side. For example, I can say with certainty that I would not be the same person that I am today if I went to Berkeley instead of UCLA. Isn't that crazy to think about? Who would I be if I went there instead? I used to regret that decision, but (thankfully) have come to realize that UCLA has challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be challenged. Maybe that speaks more on the ability we have to adapt to our environments, and our natural tendency towards... seeing our present as the ideal outcome. So it's not that one fork or the other is better, it's just different.
Like had I not decided to do mentorship committee, I definitely would be a different person today. And for sure worse off, I think (but this may be because my imagination is limited to what actually happened, and not what might have happened...again, our natural tendency to justify the present).
Being human, I still can't help but feel that there is a better path, just like I now feel UCLA was the better path. And I can't help but try to make sure I end up on the right one. So I ask again: what's at stake here? If I accept the offer, I will gain experience working in public policy as an analyst for a firm that consults for the government on healthcare policy. In many ways this is perfect for what I think my life-plan is: work, gain experience professionally and continue to grow as a person, teach for 5-10 years, and potentially go towards either administration or straight up education reform as a policy maker... honestly not sure what that entails but I would love to work on improving education because I feel that education is at the heart of a cultural revolution, which is the path to a better society.
Anyway, this experience would definitely contribute in that direction... however there is (as always) a catch. 60 hours a week. I know myself. I know I will get sucked into this environment and not come out, not live and meet new people and do other things. You could say I'm terrible at multi-tasking, even when the tasks are not concurrent. That's like anti-multi-tasking. Even as I have grown, and my confidence in expressing who I am has grown, I know that balancing meeting new people in a new place and developing a new family of sorts will be challenging for me with 60 hours a week. I think when I first heard the expected commitment I shied away immediately. Now, I've come to terms with it. It will be a challenge, but so long as I hold myself accountable I will make things work. I say that but I'm still fucking frightened....
No, now the new question is this: my reason for working before teaching is to gain experience. But what if in the course of gaining that experience, I lose that passion for teaching? Where will I be then? Somewhere else I guess, so no problem there. But that would be a pity, to have this desire to do something, and sort of invest towards that aim, only to find the investment returned in another way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that...it's just I foolishly want to know what the best way for me is.
As always, a conflict between emotion and intellect, heart and mind. Logic tells me to gain experience and work before I teach. Emotion tells me to just teach. But do I even really want to teach? I've gotten really comfortable with that thought, but is it possible that in the meantime I have changed? AAP tutoring wasn't quite the cathartic experience I was secretly expecting it to be, although I do enjoy it. My favorite parts are not when I'm explaining something (because I always feel that explaination will pale in comparison to an understanding reached through self-reflection), but when I'm just talking to my students and getting to know them. If I'm lucky I get to learn about their life, who they are, and maybe even what drives them. It doesn't happen often but I'm thankful when it does because that's what makes me the happiest.. just having conversations about that stuff with other people and learning who they are. I've been a little down about tutoring recently because I feel I haven't been doing the best job I can... and I don't know how to improve. I feel like I can be putting more into these sessions, but am not sure how to balance that with allowing my students to learn how to learn on their own, which is the most important part.
I'm writing this second part 2 days later... today is the day to decide. I still haven't reached a solid decision but am leaning more towards getting the public policy job, as it would be good preparation for my future if I don't intend to stay as a teacher but go on to other facets of education reform. I guess my greatest fear is not being true to who I am and what I've been struggling with is whether taking this job is being true to who I am or not. This is an interesting problem because you can frame it in so many different ways and the answer comes out differently. Like if I ask myself, what do I want to do? I want to teach, or be involved in education reform. So why am I doing something else? Because it would contribute towards that goal.
Another thing is I honestly feel like I don't know enough about life to be a teacher. Not that working an office type job will teach me about life in the ways that I need to learn (in fact I probably know enough about office life), but I do feel like I have some more growth to do before I can be an effective teacher.
If I look at it another way, the only thing stopping me from accepting this offer is fear. Fear of the unknown, of a new place, of losing who I think I am, which is foolish to try and hold on to anyway... So am I facing my fears by accepting this offer, or avoiding them by not going into teaching right away?
I have to say I'm pretty fucking lucky to have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to even think about these things... and I'm thankful for it, even if it is hard to decide. I can be proud of either choice I make, which is true for every decision I've made so far except one.
One thing I didn't even consider that my roommate helped me realize is that I don't need to stay at this place for 2-3 years like I keep saying. If it doesn't work out I can leave whenever I want (and they can fire me whenever they want, so it's a nice mutual arrangement... I think I prefer this).
Okay I think I decided now... we'll see how I feel in a couple hours.
So in a few days (now it's.. today.), I need to make a decision. I had two offers, one of which I've already rejected because I was against what that company did (although I tricked myself into going there for 2 summers... sooo happy that I finally called to say I will NOT work there!!). So now it's one offer, but still a yes or no decision, and a non-trivial one.
What's at stake here? Probably not much, in the long run, of course. Making decisions like this, I always picture a fork in the road. Once you take one side of the fork, your life opens new paths and branches that would not have been available to you had you taken the other side. For example, I can say with certainty that I would not be the same person that I am today if I went to Berkeley instead of UCLA. Isn't that crazy to think about? Who would I be if I went there instead? I used to regret that decision, but (thankfully) have come to realize that UCLA has challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be challenged. Maybe that speaks more on the ability we have to adapt to our environments, and our natural tendency towards... seeing our present as the ideal outcome. So it's not that one fork or the other is better, it's just different.
Like had I not decided to do mentorship committee, I definitely would be a different person today. And for sure worse off, I think (but this may be because my imagination is limited to what actually happened, and not what might have happened...again, our natural tendency to justify the present).
Being human, I still can't help but feel that there is a better path, just like I now feel UCLA was the better path. And I can't help but try to make sure I end up on the right one. So I ask again: what's at stake here? If I accept the offer, I will gain experience working in public policy as an analyst for a firm that consults for the government on healthcare policy. In many ways this is perfect for what I think my life-plan is: work, gain experience professionally and continue to grow as a person, teach for 5-10 years, and potentially go towards either administration or straight up education reform as a policy maker... honestly not sure what that entails but I would love to work on improving education because I feel that education is at the heart of a cultural revolution, which is the path to a better society.
Anyway, this experience would definitely contribute in that direction... however there is (as always) a catch. 60 hours a week. I know myself. I know I will get sucked into this environment and not come out, not live and meet new people and do other things. You could say I'm terrible at multi-tasking, even when the tasks are not concurrent. That's like anti-multi-tasking. Even as I have grown, and my confidence in expressing who I am has grown, I know that balancing meeting new people in a new place and developing a new family of sorts will be challenging for me with 60 hours a week. I think when I first heard the expected commitment I shied away immediately. Now, I've come to terms with it. It will be a challenge, but so long as I hold myself accountable I will make things work. I say that but I'm still fucking frightened....
No, now the new question is this: my reason for working before teaching is to gain experience. But what if in the course of gaining that experience, I lose that passion for teaching? Where will I be then? Somewhere else I guess, so no problem there. But that would be a pity, to have this desire to do something, and sort of invest towards that aim, only to find the investment returned in another way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that...it's just I foolishly want to know what the best way for me is.
As always, a conflict between emotion and intellect, heart and mind. Logic tells me to gain experience and work before I teach. Emotion tells me to just teach. But do I even really want to teach? I've gotten really comfortable with that thought, but is it possible that in the meantime I have changed? AAP tutoring wasn't quite the cathartic experience I was secretly expecting it to be, although I do enjoy it. My favorite parts are not when I'm explaining something (because I always feel that explaination will pale in comparison to an understanding reached through self-reflection), but when I'm just talking to my students and getting to know them. If I'm lucky I get to learn about their life, who they are, and maybe even what drives them. It doesn't happen often but I'm thankful when it does because that's what makes me the happiest.. just having conversations about that stuff with other people and learning who they are. I've been a little down about tutoring recently because I feel I haven't been doing the best job I can... and I don't know how to improve. I feel like I can be putting more into these sessions, but am not sure how to balance that with allowing my students to learn how to learn on their own, which is the most important part.
I'm writing this second part 2 days later... today is the day to decide. I still haven't reached a solid decision but am leaning more towards getting the public policy job, as it would be good preparation for my future if I don't intend to stay as a teacher but go on to other facets of education reform. I guess my greatest fear is not being true to who I am and what I've been struggling with is whether taking this job is being true to who I am or not. This is an interesting problem because you can frame it in so many different ways and the answer comes out differently. Like if I ask myself, what do I want to do? I want to teach, or be involved in education reform. So why am I doing something else? Because it would contribute towards that goal.
Another thing is I honestly feel like I don't know enough about life to be a teacher. Not that working an office type job will teach me about life in the ways that I need to learn (in fact I probably know enough about office life), but I do feel like I have some more growth to do before I can be an effective teacher.
If I look at it another way, the only thing stopping me from accepting this offer is fear. Fear of the unknown, of a new place, of losing who I think I am, which is foolish to try and hold on to anyway... So am I facing my fears by accepting this offer, or avoiding them by not going into teaching right away?
I have to say I'm pretty fucking lucky to have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to even think about these things... and I'm thankful for it, even if it is hard to decide. I can be proud of either choice I make, which is true for every decision I've made so far except one.
One thing I didn't even consider that my roommate helped me realize is that I don't need to stay at this place for 2-3 years like I keep saying. If it doesn't work out I can leave whenever I want (and they can fire me whenever they want, so it's a nice mutual arrangement... I think I prefer this).
Okay I think I decided now... we'll see how I feel in a couple hours.
Monday, November 22, 2010
France trip 2007 part 1
Goin' way back. I've decided that I'm a terrible story teller. I can never remember those funny little moments in life, not just to laugh at while in the midst of dropping the kids off at the pool, but to share with others. Also, life is ridiculous, but sometimes I don't see the absurdity in the situation unless I reflect on it. But how would I remember it otherwise? I tend to abstract events big and small, removing the character and detail that makes these events meaningful.
So back in summer of 2007, my friend Theo and I somehow landed a gig in Bretagne, northern France. His grandfather had some part in a traveling science museum (called l'Abret) of sorts that thought it would be useful to have some American interns to spice up their life. Having just finished our first year of college, we were stoked, as it would surely be an awesome time living in France for a month while working on.... wait what were we supposed to do again? We had no idea. I'm not sure they knew what they had in mind for us either.
Prior to starting the internship, my parents and I decided to hang out in France and then Syria for a couple weeks. That will perhaps be the subject of another tale. But the point is, before going to France for this internship, I went to Syria. One thing you're sure to take away from Syria with is stomach problems, and this trip was no exception.
So I land in France, with nothing but my luggage (which had no wheels, and if you've seen Up in the Air you know that's a biiig mistake), diarrhea, and a raging fever. Theo and I were supposed to meet in Charles de Gaulle airport and take the metro to rest at his step-grandmother's place for the night before we moved to Bretagne. Unfortunately for us, her place was not close to the metro.
Let me tell you, not having wheels on my luggage was a big mistake. If you can imagine walking through Paris, trying to decipher street signs at midnight, changing directions and getting lost, please stop. I wouldn't want you to feel the same way. Point is, it sucked.
So we finally got to the grandmother's place at one in the morning (you can imagine her reaction...we felt pretty bad about coming that late), only to find that our parents were worried sick, because apparently we had been out of contact for 3 hours after landing. We pass out for the night, exhausted from traveling both the streets of Paris and the skies of Eurasia.
The next morning we left for Bretagne. I actually really enjoyed going on the TGV; I like public transportation in general. I feel like it forces you to remain in contact with people you otherwise would have no interaction with. After a while you stop talking and just look at the countryside pass by. It's sad that I feel this is the most effective way to communicate the imagery but it was a bit like riding on the Hogwarts Express. Particularly northern France, which even in the summer is sort of foggy, but lush, green, and expansive. Completely different from Paris, in other words.
Bretagne is not just northern France, but the on the coast. A quilt of sandy, tidal (yes, I forgot tides even existed!! hadn't seen that shit except in like bill nye) beaches, and lush green forest and farmland. In addition to the landscape, Bretagne is known for its crepes. I'm not sure if it's just here, or throughout France, but they have more than just dessert crepes. There are these like.. meal crepes, with ham, eggs, and cheese. When we landed in Bretagne we were picked up by Theo's grandparents, who immediately took us to get these crepes. It was fun talking to his grandparents, who were extremely kind, not to mention forgiving of my mediocre French. Still, we were able to hold conversations, with Theo being my babelfish when I didn't know a word or phrase.
On our first day at the job, we finally found out what exactly they wanted us to do: make flash animations to explain electromagnetic phenomena (stuff like waves, electric field, light, faraday's law) to the French public. The end goal was to give patrons an appreciation for the wireless technology available today. We weren't given much direction outside of this end goal and a few experiments, so it was up to us to flesh out the concept and how we wanted to present it. This was my favorite day of this internship, because we spent the rest of our first day figuring out how we wanted to communicate these ideas. I think this was one of the first times I realized how cool lesson planning is, and how interesting it is trying to think of the optimal way to express ideas to other people.
The next two weeks were extremely busy, as we had one month to first learn Flash (which we didn't have, nor did l'Abret provide for, which meant we pirated it, wooo!) and then make something presentable, so we needed to haul ass. Theo and I had very different learning styles, and it was cool seeing our strengths and weaknesses come into play. I was very focused on "learning the basics" of the language, so that when we needed to do something I would have some basis to work with, whereas Theo was more of the "learn as you go" style. He was the pioneer, finding the gold faster than anyone else could. I was making the supports. (Uh, trying to use more metaphors...uh-huh).
Okay this could go on longer but I will continue it in another post...
So back in summer of 2007, my friend Theo and I somehow landed a gig in Bretagne, northern France. His grandfather had some part in a traveling science museum (called l'Abret) of sorts that thought it would be useful to have some American interns to spice up their life. Having just finished our first year of college, we were stoked, as it would surely be an awesome time living in France for a month while working on.... wait what were we supposed to do again? We had no idea. I'm not sure they knew what they had in mind for us either.
Prior to starting the internship, my parents and I decided to hang out in France and then Syria for a couple weeks. That will perhaps be the subject of another tale. But the point is, before going to France for this internship, I went to Syria. One thing you're sure to take away from Syria with is stomach problems, and this trip was no exception.
So I land in France, with nothing but my luggage (which had no wheels, and if you've seen Up in the Air you know that's a biiig mistake), diarrhea, and a raging fever. Theo and I were supposed to meet in Charles de Gaulle airport and take the metro to rest at his step-grandmother's place for the night before we moved to Bretagne. Unfortunately for us, her place was not close to the metro.
Let me tell you, not having wheels on my luggage was a big mistake. If you can imagine walking through Paris, trying to decipher street signs at midnight, changing directions and getting lost, please stop. I wouldn't want you to feel the same way. Point is, it sucked.
So we finally got to the grandmother's place at one in the morning (you can imagine her reaction...we felt pretty bad about coming that late), only to find that our parents were worried sick, because apparently we had been out of contact for 3 hours after landing. We pass out for the night, exhausted from traveling both the streets of Paris and the skies of Eurasia.
The next morning we left for Bretagne. I actually really enjoyed going on the TGV; I like public transportation in general. I feel like it forces you to remain in contact with people you otherwise would have no interaction with. After a while you stop talking and just look at the countryside pass by. It's sad that I feel this is the most effective way to communicate the imagery but it was a bit like riding on the Hogwarts Express. Particularly northern France, which even in the summer is sort of foggy, but lush, green, and expansive. Completely different from Paris, in other words.
Bretagne is not just northern France, but the on the coast. A quilt of sandy, tidal (yes, I forgot tides even existed!! hadn't seen that shit except in like bill nye) beaches, and lush green forest and farmland. In addition to the landscape, Bretagne is known for its crepes. I'm not sure if it's just here, or throughout France, but they have more than just dessert crepes. There are these like.. meal crepes, with ham, eggs, and cheese. When we landed in Bretagne we were picked up by Theo's grandparents, who immediately took us to get these crepes. It was fun talking to his grandparents, who were extremely kind, not to mention forgiving of my mediocre French. Still, we were able to hold conversations, with Theo being my babelfish when I didn't know a word or phrase.
On our first day at the job, we finally found out what exactly they wanted us to do: make flash animations to explain electromagnetic phenomena (stuff like waves, electric field, light, faraday's law) to the French public. The end goal was to give patrons an appreciation for the wireless technology available today. We weren't given much direction outside of this end goal and a few experiments, so it was up to us to flesh out the concept and how we wanted to present it. This was my favorite day of this internship, because we spent the rest of our first day figuring out how we wanted to communicate these ideas. I think this was one of the first times I realized how cool lesson planning is, and how interesting it is trying to think of the optimal way to express ideas to other people.
The next two weeks were extremely busy, as we had one month to first learn Flash (which we didn't have, nor did l'Abret provide for, which meant we pirated it, wooo!) and then make something presentable, so we needed to haul ass. Theo and I had very different learning styles, and it was cool seeing our strengths and weaknesses come into play. I was very focused on "learning the basics" of the language, so that when we needed to do something I would have some basis to work with, whereas Theo was more of the "learn as you go" style. He was the pioneer, finding the gold faster than anyone else could. I was making the supports. (Uh, trying to use more metaphors...uh-huh).
Okay this could go on longer but I will continue it in another post...
Friday, November 19, 2010
Personal development
Arrrgghh sometimes I feel like such a child, you know? It's funny how looking back at our actions, they are so frequently a reflection of our insecurities. I want to get past that so badly, need to get past it to develop as a person. Over the years I've definitely become more aware of my insecurities, most of which involve how I interact with other people/the way I express myself/how I am perceived (which I guess is most of what anyone could be insecure about anyway...), which is a big step forward. But it's frustrating because sometimes I think I've done away with those needless fears, and gained inner peace with who I am, only to run into a new situation which brings all these issues back to the foreground.
For example, I used to leave almost every social interaction feeling horrible because I would think "shit... I should've said this, should've done that, why did I say something so stupid?" I think part of the problem is when I'm around other people my ability to think is greatly reduced... and the more I respect the people I'm around, the worse it gets. Like I have to prove myself or something. See? How insecure.
Actually the problem is very similar to the problem I had as a jazz improviser. In a jazz solo, you are not only tapping into the music you hear in your head, but you are also feeding off of the cues that other people give you. Whenever I would be called for a solo, I would suddenly not hear anything in my head. If you know me pretty well, you know I do crazy shit like drum on my steering wheel, drum on my chest, drum on pretty much any surface that has a decent sound. I always have music in my head. Except when called upon to improvise.
The symbolic thing is, even though I didn't hear anything I would still play notes. I had nothing to say but I made damn sure people knew that I wanted to say something. But whatever I played, that wasn't me. After every solo, I would walk away, with the music I wanted to play so badly ringing in my ears. O why would you forsake me, music, in my time of need?
I took one jazz lesson from the band director, 2 years ago. I'm still learning and trying to apply that lesson to my playing and to my life. He basically told me that I needed to slow down. If I don't hear anything, be patient. Don't play anything until you hear it. I've improved, but it's still a challenge. The moment to express yourself is so short that the pressure to say everything I want to say overwhelms me.
A very similar thing happens for me when I have normal conversations with people...I have all these things I want to say to people, but when it comes time to say them my head is emptied by my overwhelming desire to express the totality of my emotion in one encounter.
Nowadays all I can do is just laugh at myself, which I guess is healthier because now at least I leave most interactions happy instead of upset.
I can see the person I want to be, but sometimes it's just so hard to be that person. A delicate balancing act between staying true to yourself and challenging yourself. You know, you have to be comfortable with who you are, but not so comfortable as to stop changing. I guess take comfort in who you are, but also in who you will become.
For example, I used to leave almost every social interaction feeling horrible because I would think "shit... I should've said this, should've done that, why did I say something so stupid?" I think part of the problem is when I'm around other people my ability to think is greatly reduced... and the more I respect the people I'm around, the worse it gets. Like I have to prove myself or something. See? How insecure.
Actually the problem is very similar to the problem I had as a jazz improviser. In a jazz solo, you are not only tapping into the music you hear in your head, but you are also feeding off of the cues that other people give you. Whenever I would be called for a solo, I would suddenly not hear anything in my head. If you know me pretty well, you know I do crazy shit like drum on my steering wheel, drum on my chest, drum on pretty much any surface that has a decent sound. I always have music in my head. Except when called upon to improvise.
The symbolic thing is, even though I didn't hear anything I would still play notes. I had nothing to say but I made damn sure people knew that I wanted to say something. But whatever I played, that wasn't me. After every solo, I would walk away, with the music I wanted to play so badly ringing in my ears. O why would you forsake me, music, in my time of need?
I took one jazz lesson from the band director, 2 years ago. I'm still learning and trying to apply that lesson to my playing and to my life. He basically told me that I needed to slow down. If I don't hear anything, be patient. Don't play anything until you hear it. I've improved, but it's still a challenge. The moment to express yourself is so short that the pressure to say everything I want to say overwhelms me.
A very similar thing happens for me when I have normal conversations with people...I have all these things I want to say to people, but when it comes time to say them my head is emptied by my overwhelming desire to express the totality of my emotion in one encounter.
Nowadays all I can do is just laugh at myself, which I guess is healthier because now at least I leave most interactions happy instead of upset.
I can see the person I want to be, but sometimes it's just so hard to be that person. A delicate balancing act between staying true to yourself and challenging yourself. You know, you have to be comfortable with who you are, but not so comfortable as to stop changing. I guess take comfort in who you are, but also in who you will become.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Derivation and Proof
This post has two parts:
I: Derivation and Math, and II: Derivation and life...
I:
I don't know why but I (sometimes) really enjoy doing proofs and derivations. Throughout my college career I've always focused more on why something is true than on how to use it, which I guess explains why I became a math major. I feel like the concept of derivation is a philosophically satisfying one because of the following things:
1) By deriving something, you are empowered with the knowledge that has been derived because now you know why it is true, and under what conditions. This gives you a deeper understanding than you would have if you were just given the result on a silver platter. Through the process of proof/derivation, you are one of the owners of that knowledge.
2) Independent thinking. You can't create "new" knowledge (which is essentially what you're trying to do, even if it has been done before) without thinking for yourself. So to me, proofs give you faith in your reasoning abilities.
If you've ever wondered why genius physicists and mathematicians are crazy and sort of outside the scope of social norms, it's because on a daily basis they must challenge the assumptions that they and others hold about the world around them, and must use their independent, logical, critical thinking to re-evaluate how the world functions.
That's the great thing about math and (to some extent) computer science. There's no room for misinformation. If you don't think something is true, you need to go no further than your imagination to show that it is not.
3) For me personally, I can't remember something unless I know why it is true.
This is why I feel math education is sooo important, unlike some other people. It teaches people (ideally) what it takes to prove something, and gives them confidence in the validity of their independent thinking. Sure, I wouldn't say everyone needs to know calculus, but I would say everyone needs to understand how to prove something, and why the math they do know is true.
II:
I've had this idea for a while, hopefully I can do it justice here:
Let me give an example before I describe the general idea. Some people raise their children by creating a system of approval whereby the children gain the approval of the parent by acting in a desired way, for example, by being courteous. When they are not courteous, they are punished. In some cases I've seen people react by only behaving in those ways when their parent is present and able to judge their activities. I'm being really sloppy in my description here... This is "arriving" at the desired behavior without allowing the kid to "derive" it for themselves. There is a reason for courtesy, for doing chores, etc etc. If you don't let them understand that, and instead force them to act a certain way, you're not creating genuine empathy and responsibility etc.
I think developing morals and values, emotions, and many other things, can be looked at in this way... a conflict between spoon-feeding the arrived result (the end) and the derivation (the means that will eventually reach that end). I guess, in short, it's about letting people figure out why something is done a certain way, rather than just telling them how it's done.
In pedagogy this would be the banking system of education vs the problem posing method?
More examples, because this idea sounded way cooler in my head than on paper and I'm running out of stuff to say but still feel like there's more to my idea.
You can't be told what you want to do with your life, you have to derive it for yourself.
Laws are only meaningful if people follow them of their own will... so people have to derive the intent of the law and act accordingly. I feel like too often the spirit of the law is lost in meaningless verbiage, which, while intended to make the law fool-proof, does exactly the opposite.
Emotions- sometimes I feel like people feel a certain way because they know they're supposed to, not because they genuinely feel that way. The way I word this makes it sound like this is a rare event, when really everyone is guilty of this from time to time. But I think about this a lot in terms of derivation... am I just feeling something because I know I should? Or did I really reach this emotional conclusion on my own? In an earlier post, I was basically questioning myself in this way.
I pride myself on being constantly self-critical. Perceiving reality as it truly is, and me as I truly am, is important to my development, as it is for everyone. Inevitably, there will be blind spots in my self-evaluation, but reevaluating things I held as assumptions and re-deriving them is sometimes painful but healthy, right?
Edit: Even more that I meant to write about!
Deriving success in school... I feel like focusing on getting good grades or passing tests is the wrong way to go. Instead, focusing on what interests you, and trying to answer philosophical questions that come up as you digest the material, and generally just trying to actually learn the material instead of act like you've learned it, works better and is more enjoyable... at least I think so. Same thing for like building resumes, getting into college/grad school etc etc... doing it just for the paper is never going to get you as far as doing it for you. And in doing so, you'll get a better result anyway. Deriving "success" in life... I guess...
This, by the way, is why standardized testing will never be a successful way of measuring student progress. It implies, for one thing, that the value of what a student has learned depends on the opinion of someone else, when it really should be the student judging for themselves whether they have learned the material or not. Now obviously, there's an implied contradiction because what about grades and the evaluation teachers do of students? I would say that a teacher's role is more to provide a context in which the student can judge whether they have learned the material... if that makes any sense. Like you do need some feedback to be able to progress and challenge yourself, but standardized tests don't really give you that feedback, they just give you the number. So that tells you that the only importance that knowledge had was that number. That wasn't the intent but that's how it might be interpreted, and has been interpreted when you teach to the test and all that...so deriving metrics for learning, or something?
I: Derivation and Math, and II: Derivation and life...
I:
I don't know why but I (sometimes) really enjoy doing proofs and derivations. Throughout my college career I've always focused more on why something is true than on how to use it, which I guess explains why I became a math major. I feel like the concept of derivation is a philosophically satisfying one because of the following things:
1) By deriving something, you are empowered with the knowledge that has been derived because now you know why it is true, and under what conditions. This gives you a deeper understanding than you would have if you were just given the result on a silver platter. Through the process of proof/derivation, you are one of the owners of that knowledge.
2) Independent thinking. You can't create "new" knowledge (which is essentially what you're trying to do, even if it has been done before) without thinking for yourself. So to me, proofs give you faith in your reasoning abilities.
If you've ever wondered why genius physicists and mathematicians are crazy and sort of outside the scope of social norms, it's because on a daily basis they must challenge the assumptions that they and others hold about the world around them, and must use their independent, logical, critical thinking to re-evaluate how the world functions.
That's the great thing about math and (to some extent) computer science. There's no room for misinformation. If you don't think something is true, you need to go no further than your imagination to show that it is not.
3) For me personally, I can't remember something unless I know why it is true.
This is why I feel math education is sooo important, unlike some other people. It teaches people (ideally) what it takes to prove something, and gives them confidence in the validity of their independent thinking. Sure, I wouldn't say everyone needs to know calculus, but I would say everyone needs to understand how to prove something, and why the math they do know is true.
II:
I've had this idea for a while, hopefully I can do it justice here:
Let me give an example before I describe the general idea. Some people raise their children by creating a system of approval whereby the children gain the approval of the parent by acting in a desired way, for example, by being courteous. When they are not courteous, they are punished. In some cases I've seen people react by only behaving in those ways when their parent is present and able to judge their activities. I'm being really sloppy in my description here... This is "arriving" at the desired behavior without allowing the kid to "derive" it for themselves. There is a reason for courtesy, for doing chores, etc etc. If you don't let them understand that, and instead force them to act a certain way, you're not creating genuine empathy and responsibility etc.
I think developing morals and values, emotions, and many other things, can be looked at in this way... a conflict between spoon-feeding the arrived result (the end) and the derivation (the means that will eventually reach that end). I guess, in short, it's about letting people figure out why something is done a certain way, rather than just telling them how it's done.
In pedagogy this would be the banking system of education vs the problem posing method?
More examples, because this idea sounded way cooler in my head than on paper and I'm running out of stuff to say but still feel like there's more to my idea.
You can't be told what you want to do with your life, you have to derive it for yourself.
Laws are only meaningful if people follow them of their own will... so people have to derive the intent of the law and act accordingly. I feel like too often the spirit of the law is lost in meaningless verbiage, which, while intended to make the law fool-proof, does exactly the opposite.
Emotions- sometimes I feel like people feel a certain way because they know they're supposed to, not because they genuinely feel that way. The way I word this makes it sound like this is a rare event, when really everyone is guilty of this from time to time. But I think about this a lot in terms of derivation... am I just feeling something because I know I should? Or did I really reach this emotional conclusion on my own? In an earlier post, I was basically questioning myself in this way.
I pride myself on being constantly self-critical. Perceiving reality as it truly is, and me as I truly am, is important to my development, as it is for everyone. Inevitably, there will be blind spots in my self-evaluation, but reevaluating things I held as assumptions and re-deriving them is sometimes painful but healthy, right?
Edit: Even more that I meant to write about!
Deriving success in school... I feel like focusing on getting good grades or passing tests is the wrong way to go. Instead, focusing on what interests you, and trying to answer philosophical questions that come up as you digest the material, and generally just trying to actually learn the material instead of act like you've learned it, works better and is more enjoyable... at least I think so. Same thing for like building resumes, getting into college/grad school etc etc... doing it just for the paper is never going to get you as far as doing it for you. And in doing so, you'll get a better result anyway. Deriving "success" in life... I guess...
This, by the way, is why standardized testing will never be a successful way of measuring student progress. It implies, for one thing, that the value of what a student has learned depends on the opinion of someone else, when it really should be the student judging for themselves whether they have learned the material or not. Now obviously, there's an implied contradiction because what about grades and the evaluation teachers do of students? I would say that a teacher's role is more to provide a context in which the student can judge whether they have learned the material... if that makes any sense. Like you do need some feedback to be able to progress and challenge yourself, but standardized tests don't really give you that feedback, they just give you the number. So that tells you that the only importance that knowledge had was that number. That wasn't the intent but that's how it might be interpreted, and has been interpreted when you teach to the test and all that...so deriving metrics for learning, or something?
Monday, November 1, 2010
good shows
So I decided that maybe I shouldn't be all serious on this blog all the time... too much deep shit goin on. So, random thoughts:
I have to say, there are some great shows on right now. Modern Family? 30 Rock? Of course, Daily Show and Colbert Report. South Park.
And perhaps my most cherished, because no one's heard of it except fellow nerds, The Venture Bros. Seriously guys and gals, check this shit out. It's weird but hot DAMN are they creative! Top notch writing, crazy plots, AMAZING character development, episodes drifting from absurdly hilarious to deeply profound... this show is special. This new season is awesome. I would suggest having the patience to watch the first few episodes of the first season. It starts off rocky but gets good. I haaave the dvds, borrow them!!!! While not necessary, watching the show in order will help you get the most out of later episodes...
...what has this blog become...
I have to say, there are some great shows on right now. Modern Family? 30 Rock? Of course, Daily Show and Colbert Report. South Park.
And perhaps my most cherished, because no one's heard of it except fellow nerds, The Venture Bros. Seriously guys and gals, check this shit out. It's weird but hot DAMN are they creative! Top notch writing, crazy plots, AMAZING character development, episodes drifting from absurdly hilarious to deeply profound... this show is special. This new season is awesome. I would suggest having the patience to watch the first few episodes of the first season. It starts off rocky but gets good. I haaave the dvds, borrow them!!!! While not necessary, watching the show in order will help you get the most out of later episodes...
...what has this blog become...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Human nurture
One thing I hear a lot of people say is "it's human nature." For example, socialism won't work because people will take advantage of the system, it's human nature. Wars are a constant in our life, it's human nature. Lying, stealing, corruption. Human nature.
I disagree. I think we should blame human nurture. By this I mean the way in which people are raised, in a very general sense. Everything around them, their parents, peers, media, literally everything from womb on out. We need to change culturally in order to reach this level where such things are seen as immature (or some other word...), rather than a natural part of life. I think we can do this... I have faith in it. Furthermore, our awareness of the impacts of human "nature" should only further our goal of reaching enlightenment as a species.... dang that sounds douchey. But I do think that should be our goal as a group. We can learn from the past, and take that into consideration in our actions.
Will we be perfect? Fuck no. But I think the pursuit of perfection is a good goal in itself.
I want to believe that this can happen. That by helping others, they can help themselves, and eventually, we will all help each other.
My crazy thought of the day is if everyone believed that it would work, then it would. It is simply the lack of faith in such a system that destroys it. Funny how that works. But then I wonder, is the one aspect of human nature, the one that can't be directed by human nurture, to doubt? Something like the Giver... placed in a perfect system, you start to question it, to rebel simply because. Maybe the question is, if all these things were gone from the world, would it be an interesting place to live in?
But that's going a little too far.
I could go on and on about this but I'll just stop here...
I disagree. I think we should blame human nurture. By this I mean the way in which people are raised, in a very general sense. Everything around them, their parents, peers, media, literally everything from womb on out. We need to change culturally in order to reach this level where such things are seen as immature (or some other word...), rather than a natural part of life. I think we can do this... I have faith in it. Furthermore, our awareness of the impacts of human "nature" should only further our goal of reaching enlightenment as a species.... dang that sounds douchey. But I do think that should be our goal as a group. We can learn from the past, and take that into consideration in our actions.
Will we be perfect? Fuck no. But I think the pursuit of perfection is a good goal in itself.
I want to believe that this can happen. That by helping others, they can help themselves, and eventually, we will all help each other.
My crazy thought of the day is if everyone believed that it would work, then it would. It is simply the lack of faith in such a system that destroys it. Funny how that works. But then I wonder, is the one aspect of human nature, the one that can't be directed by human nurture, to doubt? Something like the Giver... placed in a perfect system, you start to question it, to rebel simply because. Maybe the question is, if all these things were gone from the world, would it be an interesting place to live in?
But that's going a little too far.
I could go on and on about this but I'll just stop here...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
current project
Incubus- Summer Romance (Anti Gravity Love Song). Fuuuck.
Stupid blogger is cutting off the right half of the screen though... can't figure that out. whatevs.
Stupid blogger is cutting off the right half of the screen though... can't figure that out. whatevs.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Jobs.
I hate looking for a job. It's literally my least favorite thing to do. I hate working on resumes, I hate talking to recruiters, I hate dressing up and interviewing.
More than anything, though, I hate condensing myself into someone who is good for only one job. Folding myself into this 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper that tells you everything you need to know except the most important things. But baby, if you fold it right it might fly.
Seriously though, does anyone feel that specialization has gone too far? I'm anti-specialization. Definitely, the amount of knowledge out there is so vast that we need experts. Sure, I buy that. But should we hire based on your level of expertise, or on your potential? It all goes towards the structure of education.
More and more, higher education is the place where you go to pick up the specific skills needed for your field. Used to be that all a higher education did was made you more sophisticated, a critical and diverse thinker. Then, based on your ability as a thinker, you would be hired, and on the job you would gain the expertise needed in your field.
But now higher education is like everything else. A factory. Assembly line 1 produces musicians. Line 2 produces doctors. Etc.
Why not have the totality of our being inform our jobs? I feel like that still exists... somewhere. But I don't know where.
More than anything, though, I hate condensing myself into someone who is good for only one job. Folding myself into this 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper that tells you everything you need to know except the most important things. But baby, if you fold it right it might fly.
Seriously though, does anyone feel that specialization has gone too far? I'm anti-specialization. Definitely, the amount of knowledge out there is so vast that we need experts. Sure, I buy that. But should we hire based on your level of expertise, or on your potential? It all goes towards the structure of education.
More and more, higher education is the place where you go to pick up the specific skills needed for your field. Used to be that all a higher education did was made you more sophisticated, a critical and diverse thinker. Then, based on your ability as a thinker, you would be hired, and on the job you would gain the expertise needed in your field.
But now higher education is like everything else. A factory. Assembly line 1 produces musicians. Line 2 produces doctors. Etc.
Why not have the totality of our being inform our jobs? I feel like that still exists... somewhere. But I don't know where.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The business
I literally have like 6 things on my mind right now... simultaneously:
1) School. Duh. 4 classes.
2) Job- AAP Tutoring! Lesson planning. etc
3) Job hunting- for when I finally graduate. Career fairs, resumes, hunting through the endless jobs to find the ones you want....
4) Mship- shit be goin down!
5) Research- writin the paper I was supposed to finish over summer.
6) Keeping in touch!!
Was 2nd week always this busy?
1) School. Duh. 4 classes.
2) Job- AAP Tutoring! Lesson planning. etc
3) Job hunting- for when I finally graduate. Career fairs, resumes, hunting through the endless jobs to find the ones you want....
4) Mship- shit be goin down!
5) Research- writin the paper I was supposed to finish over summer.
6) Keeping in touch!!
Was 2nd week always this busy?
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