Sometimes I can't help but feel that life is too fantastic to be an accident. When looking at it out of its context, our lives are composed of small, meaningless events, like single notes in a song. But we stumble on something, completely by accident, and then suddenly it swells and becomes the most meaningful part of our lives. And there was no predicting that, or forcing it, either. There are too many cliched metaphors for this, from a snowball to an avalanche, a butterfly to a tornado, and so on.
Like if I think about how I've met the people I know, and how they came to be a big part of my life, it was rarely ever an intentional process, at least at first. Every friend was a happy accident.
Like any scientific discovery, the most important moments of our lives are out of our control. (Or have you ever wondered how people discovered edible foods, spices, fire, and how to cook? etc etc. talk about serendipity!)
I met this one guy, let's call him Mark, my first week at UCLA. I was just sitting in the dining hall, eating by myself, and this guy asks if he can join me. We talk and realize that we have some stuff in common- he's full Syrian, I'm half. And so on. It was really cool of him to take the initiative but at the time I didn't think much of it. But every time after that, when we saw each other walking from class, we would say hi.
I didn't see this guy for 2 years, and then I added the math major. Turns out he's a math major too, and by then he had decided to be a doctor. He had worked in Haiti (before the earthquake) and the experience inspired him to be a doctor. It was crazy to see how, from the start, neither of us really had anything to live for, in the purest sense, but 3 years later, somehow both of us had discovered who we wanted to be.
He graduated this past quarter. It was cool talking to him about what he wanted to do and where he was headed, because we both realized just how much college affected us, and how surprising the effect.
It got me thinking about how everyone has this thing that they want to do to make the world a better place. Well, maybe not everyone. But I've definitely met a lot of people at UCLA that want to change the world, and everyone has a slightly different take on what to do. Education reform, science, being a doctor, artist, what have you, it's really amazing how many people have passion.
Will this passion have an impact? I'm not sure... look at the '60s. The ideals of that era remain only in pop culture and maybe some parts of Venice Beach and San Francisco. If we compare our generation to that one we are definitely more tame... so who is to say that we will put up the necessary fight to produce meaningful positive change.
I know college is a bubble, but I'll really miss this environment...it's definitely an inspiring place.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
a letter to StudentsFirst
Michelle Rhee started a website called studentsfirst.org, which is intended to unite those working on education reform and catalyze the improvement of our public schools. Everyone's noticed that education reform is really a popular topic nowadays, so I was excited to see that someone is trying to unite all these conversations and really make something happen.
The problem with the mainstream conversation on education reform is it misses the point. The widely stated concern is that because American students are failing on their test scores, our schools are failing students in their mission to prepare them for competition with other nations in the future (economic future is a term that people like to use). We're all talking about how to improve learning, but in the mainstream the focus is always on improving the kind of learning that has always occurred in US schools.
We're not looking to change that in any way, just improve it. I take issue with this. I believe that the entire approach to education is wrong, and that it has been wrong since public education started. It's not like we got off track only recently, we've been off track for ~100 years. I think focusing on why we educate will help us make better policy towards improving education, which (as a at this point meaningless exercise) would improve test scores. A true education creates revolutionary and creative thinkers, people who can think and create for themselves. People who judge the quality of the work they produce themselves, and can determine what is needed for improvement. They understand when to consult others, but also when to trust their own reasoning. Problem solvers.
A true educated population would destroy the current economic system. This is why we don't discuss the purpose of education, but if we look into it, the end result is it produces people who are empowered to change the world around them. If you don't want to change the world, don't educate your kids.
There is probably 0% chance that anyone at StudentsFirst will actually read this and think about what I mean, but I wrote a letter to them anyway:
"I'm sure other people have said this, but I feel the need to comment on an omission in the StudentFirst mission statement.
What is the end goal of education? And what is StudentFirst's position on the purpose of education? I think people operate with fundamentally different beliefs on what education should accomplish, and this is really where the conversation on reform should start.
Test scores are a (hopeful) means to an end. We hope that high test scores are caused by true learning, but I wonder if the very act of leaving the judgement of the quality of education to someone other than the student strips the student of a voice in the learning process. An empowered learner is one who determines for him or herself whether or not they have learned the material. Our goal should be to create empowered learners, people who can leave school and continue to learn.
Is education merely a tool to further our nation's economic development? No, education develops critical thinking, creating a nation of individuals who ask questions and seek answers based on evidence.
I just think it is important to state specifically what we want education to accomplish, as that will inform the direction of the reform.
Discussing what education should really accomplish is a dangerous thing- this is a much more divisive topic than simply what is needed to improve the current system. I understand that StudentsFirst aims to unite those interested in reform, and such a discussion would likely polarize reformers.
Anyone who has read Pedagogy of the Oppressed or Savage Inequalities understands what is really at stake here. Not everyone agrees with the conclusions reached by such authors, but if we truly want to put students first, we must talk about what it really means to be an educated person, and how society would change as a result."
The problem with the mainstream conversation on education reform is it misses the point. The widely stated concern is that because American students are failing on their test scores, our schools are failing students in their mission to prepare them for competition with other nations in the future (economic future is a term that people like to use). We're all talking about how to improve learning, but in the mainstream the focus is always on improving the kind of learning that has always occurred in US schools.
We're not looking to change that in any way, just improve it. I take issue with this. I believe that the entire approach to education is wrong, and that it has been wrong since public education started. It's not like we got off track only recently, we've been off track for ~100 years. I think focusing on why we educate will help us make better policy towards improving education, which (as a at this point meaningless exercise) would improve test scores. A true education creates revolutionary and creative thinkers, people who can think and create for themselves. People who judge the quality of the work they produce themselves, and can determine what is needed for improvement. They understand when to consult others, but also when to trust their own reasoning. Problem solvers.
A true educated population would destroy the current economic system. This is why we don't discuss the purpose of education, but if we look into it, the end result is it produces people who are empowered to change the world around them. If you don't want to change the world, don't educate your kids.
There is probably 0% chance that anyone at StudentsFirst will actually read this and think about what I mean, but I wrote a letter to them anyway:
"I'm sure other people have said this, but I feel the need to comment on an omission in the StudentFirst mission statement.
What is the end goal of education? And what is StudentFirst's position on the purpose of education? I think people operate with fundamentally different beliefs on what education should accomplish, and this is really where the conversation on reform should start.
Test scores are a (hopeful) means to an end. We hope that high test scores are caused by true learning, but I wonder if the very act of leaving the judgement of the quality of education to someone other than the student strips the student of a voice in the learning process. An empowered learner is one who determines for him or herself whether or not they have learned the material. Our goal should be to create empowered learners, people who can leave school and continue to learn.
Is education merely a tool to further our nation's economic development? No, education develops critical thinking, creating a nation of individuals who ask questions and seek answers based on evidence.
I just think it is important to state specifically what we want education to accomplish, as that will inform the direction of the reform.
Discussing what education should really accomplish is a dangerous thing- this is a much more divisive topic than simply what is needed to improve the current system. I understand that StudentsFirst aims to unite those interested in reform, and such a discussion would likely polarize reformers.
Anyone who has read Pedagogy of the Oppressed or Savage Inequalities understands what is really at stake here. Not everyone agrees with the conclusions reached by such authors, but if we truly want to put students first, we must talk about what it really means to be an educated person, and how society would change as a result."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
devotion
I just spent 4.5 hours preparing and scanning solutions to the practice final (and another handout I made) for my AAP students. Right now I'm sort of frustrated because I don't even know how it took that long, and the majority of the time wasn't even on something productive, it was just on scanning. It's crazy!! Like probably a good 2.5 hours of that was me just sitting at the scanner, waiting for it to scan hella pages (it actually takes a pretty long time, and the software is buggy so it messes up, which means rescanning)...
It made me think about the difference between an idea and really making that idea happen. The difference is devotion to the idea. Anyone can think of an idea. Like I had the idea to make a pretty thorough and challenging practice final, and an additional worksheet on symmetry (since many of my students didn't understand when you can/can't use symmetry to simplify a problem). Sounds easy, but in total it probably took me like 10 hours of work (during finals week, no less) to pull off, from thinking of new problems they haven't done before/researching problems, to designing the worksheet on symmetry (which I've seen no precedent for), to writing out the solutions, correcting my solutions to make sure I made no mistakes, to finally scanning them. I had no idea it would take this long, and now I know why so many professors don't post solutions- it takes longer than you think!!
It really sounds like I'm complaining... I'm not. I'm shocked at how long it took me, but I realized that I wouldn't be willing to spend this much time (and a significant portion on things that don't *directly* benefit my tutees, like scanning the solutions, when I could spend longer finding better problems to put on the final) unless I really cared. I guess that's how you know what you're passionate about- if you're willing to go from the idea to it's execution, regardless of the bullshit in between, then you are passionate about that idea. And believe me, there will always be bullshit standing between a great idea and its execution.
This is also the way I've been thinking about picking a job... like the stuff that engineers do sounds really cool, right? Design an iPod (well, I used to think that would be cool). Make a space shuttle. Design a fuel efficient vehicle. The results are cool for sure. But there's soooo much that goes from idea to execution that you don't think about, and in reality that's what most people working on a project will spend their time on: getting small shit done.
What I realized, though, was I really didn't care enough about the end products produced to do all the small things that lead towards the end result. And I didn't even really enjoy the small shit that much either, it was really tedious. Hence, not gonna be an engineer.
This made me think of my experiences in mentorship, too. I would spend sooo long on annoying things like going to the CSP office, researching where to buy supplies, figuring out how to get around bureaucracy, when those things didn't directly benefit the program. But they needed to be done. If you really care, you make it happen. And even though it was frustrating, I had the bigger picture in mind and knew that this was important. As annoying as it was, I enjoyed the small things more than as an engineer, because at least you're a) interacting with people, b) trying to overcome the man, man, and c) working towards a meaningful future (something I've come to realize is I care more about social reform than technical advancement, although the latter definitely impacts the former, for better or for worse).
tl;dr: Making a vision a reality always has bullshit along the way. I've come to realize that you should spend your time dealing with bullshit you don't mind wading through for the end result. Or, put another way, do something that you can view as a journey, not a destination.
Man, that last sentence is good, if I may say so myself, even if it is cliched. It makes me want to rewrite this whole post with that as the thesis. Eh.
It made me think about the difference between an idea and really making that idea happen. The difference is devotion to the idea. Anyone can think of an idea. Like I had the idea to make a pretty thorough and challenging practice final, and an additional worksheet on symmetry (since many of my students didn't understand when you can/can't use symmetry to simplify a problem). Sounds easy, but in total it probably took me like 10 hours of work (during finals week, no less) to pull off, from thinking of new problems they haven't done before/researching problems, to designing the worksheet on symmetry (which I've seen no precedent for), to writing out the solutions, correcting my solutions to make sure I made no mistakes, to finally scanning them. I had no idea it would take this long, and now I know why so many professors don't post solutions- it takes longer than you think!!
It really sounds like I'm complaining... I'm not. I'm shocked at how long it took me, but I realized that I wouldn't be willing to spend this much time (and a significant portion on things that don't *directly* benefit my tutees, like scanning the solutions, when I could spend longer finding better problems to put on the final) unless I really cared. I guess that's how you know what you're passionate about- if you're willing to go from the idea to it's execution, regardless of the bullshit in between, then you are passionate about that idea. And believe me, there will always be bullshit standing between a great idea and its execution.
This is also the way I've been thinking about picking a job... like the stuff that engineers do sounds really cool, right? Design an iPod (well, I used to think that would be cool). Make a space shuttle. Design a fuel efficient vehicle. The results are cool for sure. But there's soooo much that goes from idea to execution that you don't think about, and in reality that's what most people working on a project will spend their time on: getting small shit done.
What I realized, though, was I really didn't care enough about the end products produced to do all the small things that lead towards the end result. And I didn't even really enjoy the small shit that much either, it was really tedious. Hence, not gonna be an engineer.
This made me think of my experiences in mentorship, too. I would spend sooo long on annoying things like going to the CSP office, researching where to buy supplies, figuring out how to get around bureaucracy, when those things didn't directly benefit the program. But they needed to be done. If you really care, you make it happen. And even though it was frustrating, I had the bigger picture in mind and knew that this was important. As annoying as it was, I enjoyed the small things more than as an engineer, because at least you're a) interacting with people, b) trying to overcome the man, man, and c) working towards a meaningful future (something I've come to realize is I care more about social reform than technical advancement, although the latter definitely impacts the former, for better or for worse).
tl;dr: Making a vision a reality always has bullshit along the way. I've come to realize that you should spend your time dealing with bullshit you don't mind wading through for the end result. Or, put another way, do something that you can view as a journey, not a destination.
Man, that last sentence is good, if I may say so myself, even if it is cliched. It makes me want to rewrite this whole post with that as the thesis. Eh.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
changing tires
I was driving back home an hour ago when suddenly my car hit a huge bump, like a speed bump except on a major street, right next to a light. For a split second my car was literally in midair. When it crashed back down to earth my first thought was "FUCK!". After that I started wondering why there was an ambulance leaving 100 feet away. I kept driving. 100 feet later I noticed my car making some funny sounds, so I pulled over right before the 10 freeway. My right front tire was completely flat! The hubcap was bent at the point where it had contacted the bump and I was pretty much just driving on metal.
Maybe I should keep going, I thought. No, that's a stupid fucking idea. So I turned around and stopped at the gas station across the street. Not knowing what to do, I called the friends I just left and asked them for help. When I called, I asked if they had a AAA membership and if I could use it. For whatever reason I a) didn't think I had a spare tire, b) even if I had a spare tire, (and if I did I had a vague idea of where to find it) I doubted I had the tools necessary to replace the tire. Apparently these things are in all cars, ready to go. Somehow I didn't get the memo...
Sidenote: it's funny how sometimes your ignorance is upset so suddenly, almost like a paradigm shift. It simply wasn't in my worldview (too strong?) to see if I could replace the tire; I vaguely suspected I wouldn't have the parts, etc. And then my friend asks me a few questions and I realize- wait, I don't need AAA???
Luckily I wasn't far away so some friends came and helped me change the tire, as I was clearly completely ignorant on how this strange ritual works. Well, let me tell you, it does. I would've been screwed if it hadn't been for them, they were extremely cool about having to help me out at 1 in the morning. And now I will know that I have all the tools and some of the knowhow to do it myself next time!
Maybe I should keep going, I thought. No, that's a stupid fucking idea. So I turned around and stopped at the gas station across the street. Not knowing what to do, I called the friends I just left and asked them for help. When I called, I asked if they had a AAA membership and if I could use it. For whatever reason I a) didn't think I had a spare tire, b) even if I had a spare tire, (and if I did I had a vague idea of where to find it) I doubted I had the tools necessary to replace the tire. Apparently these things are in all cars, ready to go. Somehow I didn't get the memo...
Sidenote: it's funny how sometimes your ignorance is upset so suddenly, almost like a paradigm shift. It simply wasn't in my worldview (too strong?) to see if I could replace the tire; I vaguely suspected I wouldn't have the parts, etc. And then my friend asks me a few questions and I realize- wait, I don't need AAA???
Luckily I wasn't far away so some friends came and helped me change the tire, as I was clearly completely ignorant on how this strange ritual works. Well, let me tell you, it does. I would've been screwed if it hadn't been for them, they were extremely cool about having to help me out at 1 in the morning. And now I will know that I have all the tools and some of the knowhow to do it myself next time!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
whatever, man, part 2
The spiritual successor of an earlier post...
So in a few days (now it's.. today.), I need to make a decision. I had two offers, one of which I've already rejected because I was against what that company did (although I tricked myself into going there for 2 summers... sooo happy that I finally called to say I will NOT work there!!). So now it's one offer, but still a yes or no decision, and a non-trivial one.
What's at stake here? Probably not much, in the long run, of course. Making decisions like this, I always picture a fork in the road. Once you take one side of the fork, your life opens new paths and branches that would not have been available to you had you taken the other side. For example, I can say with certainty that I would not be the same person that I am today if I went to Berkeley instead of UCLA. Isn't that crazy to think about? Who would I be if I went there instead? I used to regret that decision, but (thankfully) have come to realize that UCLA has challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be challenged. Maybe that speaks more on the ability we have to adapt to our environments, and our natural tendency towards... seeing our present as the ideal outcome. So it's not that one fork or the other is better, it's just different.
Like had I not decided to do mentorship committee, I definitely would be a different person today. And for sure worse off, I think (but this may be because my imagination is limited to what actually happened, and not what might have happened...again, our natural tendency to justify the present).
Being human, I still can't help but feel that there is a better path, just like I now feel UCLA was the better path. And I can't help but try to make sure I end up on the right one. So I ask again: what's at stake here? If I accept the offer, I will gain experience working in public policy as an analyst for a firm that consults for the government on healthcare policy. In many ways this is perfect for what I think my life-plan is: work, gain experience professionally and continue to grow as a person, teach for 5-10 years, and potentially go towards either administration or straight up education reform as a policy maker... honestly not sure what that entails but I would love to work on improving education because I feel that education is at the heart of a cultural revolution, which is the path to a better society.
Anyway, this experience would definitely contribute in that direction... however there is (as always) a catch. 60 hours a week. I know myself. I know I will get sucked into this environment and not come out, not live and meet new people and do other things. You could say I'm terrible at multi-tasking, even when the tasks are not concurrent. That's like anti-multi-tasking. Even as I have grown, and my confidence in expressing who I am has grown, I know that balancing meeting new people in a new place and developing a new family of sorts will be challenging for me with 60 hours a week. I think when I first heard the expected commitment I shied away immediately. Now, I've come to terms with it. It will be a challenge, but so long as I hold myself accountable I will make things work. I say that but I'm still fucking frightened....
No, now the new question is this: my reason for working before teaching is to gain experience. But what if in the course of gaining that experience, I lose that passion for teaching? Where will I be then? Somewhere else I guess, so no problem there. But that would be a pity, to have this desire to do something, and sort of invest towards that aim, only to find the investment returned in another way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that...it's just I foolishly want to know what the best way for me is.
As always, a conflict between emotion and intellect, heart and mind. Logic tells me to gain experience and work before I teach. Emotion tells me to just teach. But do I even really want to teach? I've gotten really comfortable with that thought, but is it possible that in the meantime I have changed? AAP tutoring wasn't quite the cathartic experience I was secretly expecting it to be, although I do enjoy it. My favorite parts are not when I'm explaining something (because I always feel that explaination will pale in comparison to an understanding reached through self-reflection), but when I'm just talking to my students and getting to know them. If I'm lucky I get to learn about their life, who they are, and maybe even what drives them. It doesn't happen often but I'm thankful when it does because that's what makes me the happiest.. just having conversations about that stuff with other people and learning who they are. I've been a little down about tutoring recently because I feel I haven't been doing the best job I can... and I don't know how to improve. I feel like I can be putting more into these sessions, but am not sure how to balance that with allowing my students to learn how to learn on their own, which is the most important part.
I'm writing this second part 2 days later... today is the day to decide. I still haven't reached a solid decision but am leaning more towards getting the public policy job, as it would be good preparation for my future if I don't intend to stay as a teacher but go on to other facets of education reform. I guess my greatest fear is not being true to who I am and what I've been struggling with is whether taking this job is being true to who I am or not. This is an interesting problem because you can frame it in so many different ways and the answer comes out differently. Like if I ask myself, what do I want to do? I want to teach, or be involved in education reform. So why am I doing something else? Because it would contribute towards that goal.
Another thing is I honestly feel like I don't know enough about life to be a teacher. Not that working an office type job will teach me about life in the ways that I need to learn (in fact I probably know enough about office life), but I do feel like I have some more growth to do before I can be an effective teacher.
If I look at it another way, the only thing stopping me from accepting this offer is fear. Fear of the unknown, of a new place, of losing who I think I am, which is foolish to try and hold on to anyway... So am I facing my fears by accepting this offer, or avoiding them by not going into teaching right away?
I have to say I'm pretty fucking lucky to have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to even think about these things... and I'm thankful for it, even if it is hard to decide. I can be proud of either choice I make, which is true for every decision I've made so far except one.
One thing I didn't even consider that my roommate helped me realize is that I don't need to stay at this place for 2-3 years like I keep saying. If it doesn't work out I can leave whenever I want (and they can fire me whenever they want, so it's a nice mutual arrangement... I think I prefer this).
Okay I think I decided now... we'll see how I feel in a couple hours.
So in a few days (now it's.. today.), I need to make a decision. I had two offers, one of which I've already rejected because I was against what that company did (although I tricked myself into going there for 2 summers... sooo happy that I finally called to say I will NOT work there!!). So now it's one offer, but still a yes or no decision, and a non-trivial one.
What's at stake here? Probably not much, in the long run, of course. Making decisions like this, I always picture a fork in the road. Once you take one side of the fork, your life opens new paths and branches that would not have been available to you had you taken the other side. For example, I can say with certainty that I would not be the same person that I am today if I went to Berkeley instead of UCLA. Isn't that crazy to think about? Who would I be if I went there instead? I used to regret that decision, but (thankfully) have come to realize that UCLA has challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be challenged. Maybe that speaks more on the ability we have to adapt to our environments, and our natural tendency towards... seeing our present as the ideal outcome. So it's not that one fork or the other is better, it's just different.
Like had I not decided to do mentorship committee, I definitely would be a different person today. And for sure worse off, I think (but this may be because my imagination is limited to what actually happened, and not what might have happened...again, our natural tendency to justify the present).
Being human, I still can't help but feel that there is a better path, just like I now feel UCLA was the better path. And I can't help but try to make sure I end up on the right one. So I ask again: what's at stake here? If I accept the offer, I will gain experience working in public policy as an analyst for a firm that consults for the government on healthcare policy. In many ways this is perfect for what I think my life-plan is: work, gain experience professionally and continue to grow as a person, teach for 5-10 years, and potentially go towards either administration or straight up education reform as a policy maker... honestly not sure what that entails but I would love to work on improving education because I feel that education is at the heart of a cultural revolution, which is the path to a better society.
Anyway, this experience would definitely contribute in that direction... however there is (as always) a catch. 60 hours a week. I know myself. I know I will get sucked into this environment and not come out, not live and meet new people and do other things. You could say I'm terrible at multi-tasking, even when the tasks are not concurrent. That's like anti-multi-tasking. Even as I have grown, and my confidence in expressing who I am has grown, I know that balancing meeting new people in a new place and developing a new family of sorts will be challenging for me with 60 hours a week. I think when I first heard the expected commitment I shied away immediately. Now, I've come to terms with it. It will be a challenge, but so long as I hold myself accountable I will make things work. I say that but I'm still fucking frightened....
No, now the new question is this: my reason for working before teaching is to gain experience. But what if in the course of gaining that experience, I lose that passion for teaching? Where will I be then? Somewhere else I guess, so no problem there. But that would be a pity, to have this desire to do something, and sort of invest towards that aim, only to find the investment returned in another way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that...it's just I foolishly want to know what the best way for me is.
As always, a conflict between emotion and intellect, heart and mind. Logic tells me to gain experience and work before I teach. Emotion tells me to just teach. But do I even really want to teach? I've gotten really comfortable with that thought, but is it possible that in the meantime I have changed? AAP tutoring wasn't quite the cathartic experience I was secretly expecting it to be, although I do enjoy it. My favorite parts are not when I'm explaining something (because I always feel that explaination will pale in comparison to an understanding reached through self-reflection), but when I'm just talking to my students and getting to know them. If I'm lucky I get to learn about their life, who they are, and maybe even what drives them. It doesn't happen often but I'm thankful when it does because that's what makes me the happiest.. just having conversations about that stuff with other people and learning who they are. I've been a little down about tutoring recently because I feel I haven't been doing the best job I can... and I don't know how to improve. I feel like I can be putting more into these sessions, but am not sure how to balance that with allowing my students to learn how to learn on their own, which is the most important part.
I'm writing this second part 2 days later... today is the day to decide. I still haven't reached a solid decision but am leaning more towards getting the public policy job, as it would be good preparation for my future if I don't intend to stay as a teacher but go on to other facets of education reform. I guess my greatest fear is not being true to who I am and what I've been struggling with is whether taking this job is being true to who I am or not. This is an interesting problem because you can frame it in so many different ways and the answer comes out differently. Like if I ask myself, what do I want to do? I want to teach, or be involved in education reform. So why am I doing something else? Because it would contribute towards that goal.
Another thing is I honestly feel like I don't know enough about life to be a teacher. Not that working an office type job will teach me about life in the ways that I need to learn (in fact I probably know enough about office life), but I do feel like I have some more growth to do before I can be an effective teacher.
If I look at it another way, the only thing stopping me from accepting this offer is fear. Fear of the unknown, of a new place, of losing who I think I am, which is foolish to try and hold on to anyway... So am I facing my fears by accepting this offer, or avoiding them by not going into teaching right away?
I have to say I'm pretty fucking lucky to have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to even think about these things... and I'm thankful for it, even if it is hard to decide. I can be proud of either choice I make, which is true for every decision I've made so far except one.
One thing I didn't even consider that my roommate helped me realize is that I don't need to stay at this place for 2-3 years like I keep saying. If it doesn't work out I can leave whenever I want (and they can fire me whenever they want, so it's a nice mutual arrangement... I think I prefer this).
Okay I think I decided now... we'll see how I feel in a couple hours.
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