black swan

Black Swan was a really interesting movie to me. I watched it about a month ago, and have been meaning to blog about it since... but I have so many ideas on what to write about that I've been overwhelmed... I wish I could devote more to this post but I'm just going to let it out as is:

I really related to it, actually. So really the whole point of the movie is to examine Natalie Portman's character as she seeks perfection. It was kind of a hard movie to watch because you are literally in Nina's (Natalie Portman's) universe pretty much the whole time- there's no escape. Even traveling shots were right over her shoulder or right in front of her, so you never really get an objective version of the story (if that would even make sense). As she goes insane, it's painful- she tears stuff out of her body, shit happens but then we realize it didn't actually happen, and we as the audience feel the growing tension in Nina as the big show approaches. On an emotional level the movie grabbed me.

I think if anything, my parents gave me a passion for perfection. This actually makes it really hard for me or other people to distinguish what I'm truly passionate about, as I tend to put my all in pretty much everything I do. I think this has its roots in an identity crisis- I have a tendency to define myself by what I devote myself to. For example, my first two years in college, I devoted myself completely to studying, and then the two years following my focus was on mentorship. I think it is in part because of my identity issues or whatever that I tend to do this.

This year has been a challenge as I've been trying to distance myself from that tendency... finding myself in absence of being enveloped by some greater cause. That is not to say that I am not committed to some cause, just that I don't let it solely define me. It's all about finding that balance between seeking complete perfection for its own sake and pure, spontaneous passion. I really think for Nina it's the same thing- for her the goal is perfection, the relationship her art has to emotion is merely by association with how other people approach dance. It's not like for her there's necessarily an emotional release with every performance.

But more than that the movie makes a statement about artists and the relationship the artist has with him/herself. Like even the sex scene, and the whole "playing with herself" stuff was really about finding passion and reconnecting with yourself in order to heighten your art. And the way that Nina had in Lily (Mila Kunis) the black swan version of herself...to the point where I humored the idea that Lily was made up by Nina/was Nina, in a Fight Club sort of way. True art is a balance between technique (mind) and pure inspiration/creation (heart), and the true artist must fight between these two extremes.

Another thing the movie made me think about is how crazy you have to be as an artist, or just as someone completely devoted to something. Have you ever lost yourself to something, completely? To the point where that one thing is the only thing you live and breathe, the very reason you wake up each and every morning. Where you know every minute detail, and at night you dream about it, resolving conflicts through sleep. Where any other activity is expendable, and should it be necessary you would return to the subject of your devotion immediately. It's to the point where you're not even enjoying it or doing it for the reason you started... it's come to define who you are to such a large extent that that is all you have. That's a particular kind of crazy. I don't know if I can describe it better than that but I think it's important to experience at least once.

distributed responsibility

Last night I was walking back from class, and I noticed that a sprinkler was broken on Strathmore. Water was spurting out of it, forming a leaning column of water around 8 feet high. I was walking on the opposite sidewalk, but there was no avoiding the fact that there was a shit load of water being dumped out every second, watering the concrete. I took another step as I thought to myself... surely someone else noticed this and reported it already. After all, how could someone else NOT report it, right? Such an egregious waste of water would have been quickly taken care of, if the manager of the apartment right in front of the sprinkler wasn't already taking care of it.

One more step forward. I started thinking about how many times I had walked by some problem or issue that I had assumed someone else was taking care of already. A car pulled over on the freeway; a stranger looking upset and alone; a lost dog with no owner, wandering on campus. Step. Each time, I thought to myself... I don't have time to deal with this right now. Someone else will. Step.

Doesn't everyone feel that way? Step. Turn. Cross.

The manager's number was on a sign. I called it. No response. I snaked around the gushing water to walk into the apartment complex and found the manager's apartment. Knock knock. No response.

By this time the sprinklers had turned off, so I left.

The next day, today, I get a call from the manager. I told him what I saw and he was shocked. He had no idea that this was going on. I was surprised, but fascinated, that no one else had reported this. Not even tenants, who surely had to walk around the water just as I had.