Personal development

Arrrgghh sometimes I feel like such a child, you know? It's funny how looking back at our actions, they are so frequently a reflection of our insecurities. I want to get past that so badly, need to get past it to develop as a person. Over the years I've definitely become more aware of my insecurities, most of which involve how I interact with other people/the way I express myself/how I am perceived (which I guess is most of what anyone could be insecure about anyway...), which is a big step forward. But it's frustrating because sometimes I think I've done away with those needless fears, and gained inner peace with who I am, only to run into a new situation which brings all these issues back to the foreground.

For example, I used to leave almost every social interaction feeling horrible because I would think "shit... I should've said this, should've done that, why did I say something so stupid?" I think part of the problem is when I'm around other people my ability to think is greatly reduced... and the more I respect the people I'm around, the worse it gets. Like I have to prove myself or something. See? How insecure.

Actually the problem is very similar to the problem I had as a jazz improviser. In a jazz solo, you are not only tapping into the music you hear in your head, but you are also feeding off of the cues that other people give you. Whenever I would be called for a solo, I would suddenly not hear anything in my head. If you know me pretty well, you know I do crazy shit like drum on my steering wheel, drum on my chest, drum on pretty much any surface that has a decent sound. I always have music in my head. Except when called upon to improvise.

The symbolic thing is, even though I didn't hear anything I would still play notes. I had nothing to say but I made damn sure people knew that I wanted to say something. But whatever I played, that wasn't me. After every solo, I would walk away, with the music I wanted to play so badly ringing in my ears. O why would you forsake me, music, in my time of need?

I took one jazz lesson from the band director, 2 years ago. I'm still learning and trying to apply that lesson to my playing and to my life. He basically told me that I needed to slow down. If I don't hear anything, be patient. Don't play anything until you hear it. I've improved, but it's still a challenge. The moment to express yourself is so short that the pressure to say everything I want to say overwhelms me.

A very similar thing happens for me when I have normal conversations with people...I have all these things I want to say to people, but when it comes time to say them my head is emptied by my overwhelming desire to express the totality of my emotion in one encounter.

Nowadays all I can do is just laugh at myself, which I guess is healthier because now at least I leave most interactions happy instead of upset.

I can see the person I want to be, but sometimes it's just so hard to be that person. A delicate balancing act between staying true to yourself and challenging yourself. You know, you have to be comfortable with who you are, but not so comfortable as to stop changing. I guess take comfort in who you are, but also in who you will become.