Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Whatever, man

The reason I'm writing today... is I think I realized just now that the reason I can't express myself to some people (usually people who are more articulate than I am) is I have lost the practice of writing. So that's another purpose for writing this blog.... expressing myself to myself. The following is a stream of consciousness thing... not well written at all but maybe it'll help me think.

Anyways, I feel very lost right now. I left for spring break thinking I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life... be a teacher or work in a non-profit, get involved and make a difference. Why do I want to do this? Is it because I think I'm better at doing things for other people than I am for myself? Or is it because I love the philosophical reasons behind doing these things and have a vision for the world that I want to achieve, namely one where every person has equal access to resources, one where people are able to see things from each others point of view and empathize with them... one where no government is necessary because each individual person has a strong set of morals and follows them in such a way that no law would be able to enforce? Somehow, putting that into words stream of consciousness style makes it sound so much less powerful. I haven't thought of a way to clothe it, to dignify these thoughts.

But then the cynicism that has made me so successful as a student comes into play. I start to question myself. Do I really care about these things, or do I just want to care about them? Am I doing it just because it is something that I find appealing from a philosophical standpoint...but do I really enjoy it? What do I enjoy, what are passions? The fundamental conflict facing me, I think, is whether to be the person I want to be, or the person I am. Is there a difference? I think there is. Another issue is not being sure what I want. I'm a committophobe for sure.

So continuing with spring break and knowing what I wanted to do... I got this internship offer from a company that will pay me very well, but to do something that I am not entirely comfortable doing on moral grounds, particularly given my cultural heritage. I'm being vague for a reason. And thinking about whether I want to do this job really made me question what I want out of life, and whether I have the strength to find what I want and stick with it.

For example, why should I take this job if I'm opposed to it morally? It would pay for college, since I'm staying for a 5th year out of pure self-interest and not necessity. My parents have footed the bill for the past 4 years but as I learn about other people taking loans, working, and making sacrifices to do it, I feel this strong desire for financial independence. But even deeper than that (whoa), it's certainty. I already know I have this internship, this career direction (engineering). It's sort of a comfort zone...I know I can be successful in this field. Science, math, engineering, these are certainties for me. The only question is whether I want to or not, whether my passion is aligned with these futures.

Whereas, with the education/volunteerism thing, I haven't looked into it as much as I should have and have only started getting ideas on where to start looking for opportunities. And I wonder, do I have the strength to be a teacher? To do lesson plans, to give myself to my students every day. Do I have the strength to change what it means to be a teacher, to question the established order of education and be a part of the growing movement to improve and completely change it? Do I have the strength to go against what people think is right (in terms of education, but also in general) to do what I think is right? And then I wonder, do I even know what is right...how can I know unless I do a more thorough investigation.

What I'm trying to get at is I'm... afraid. Afraid that if I ditch science and engineering, I won't be able to find my way... that when it really comes down to it, maybe I'm not as passionate about volunteerism and education as I thought. And now I'm afraid that by doing this engineering internship I'll be hiding once more in my comfort zone without putting myself out there and taking a risk. I need to be more willing to take risks, to just say FUCK IT and FAIL.

One question that I saw (for potential interviewers) that I thought was interesting was "When was the last time you failed? How did you handle it?" And my first thought was.... when was the last time I failed spectacularly? I think I was raised to avoid failure, or even the possibility of failure, at all costs. I have definitely failed in many ways, multiple times, at different things, but never with grace. By that I mean failing while laughing at the failure, failing while knowing full well the consequences and being okay with it because it was worth at least trying. Usually when I fail it is because I avoid it. So it is much subtler. For instance, failing to express how I'm feeling right now to my friends... I don't think anyone understands how I feel because I am too embarrassed to go into the full depth of my thoughts. But then, do I even understand how I feel... fuck I complicate things too much.

Sometimes I keep things simple, but right now I'm a tough spot.

I guess in the end the biggest issue I have with the internship is not the moral one, but the implications it has for my maturation as an adult. Namely, by sticking with the safe choice, I am avoiding facing the unknown. Also, most likely the unknown wont involve being able to pay for my 5th year....