Sometimes I can't help but feel that life is too fantastic to be an accident. When looking at it out of its context, our lives are composed of small, meaningless events, like single notes in a song. But we stumble on something, completely by accident, and then suddenly it swells and becomes the most meaningful part of our lives. And there was no predicting that, or forcing it, either. There are too many cliched metaphors for this, from a snowball to an avalanche, a butterfly to a tornado, and so on.
Like if I think about how I've met the people I know, and how they came to be a big part of my life, it was rarely ever an intentional process, at least at first. Every friend was a happy accident.
Like any scientific discovery, the most important moments of our lives are out of our control. (Or have you ever wondered how people discovered edible foods, spices, fire, and how to cook? etc etc. talk about serendipity!)
I met this one guy, let's call him Mark, my first week at UCLA. I was just sitting in the dining hall, eating by myself, and this guy asks if he can join me. We talk and realize that we have some stuff in common- he's full Syrian, I'm half. And so on. It was really cool of him to take the initiative but at the time I didn't think much of it. But every time after that, when we saw each other walking from class, we would say hi.
I didn't see this guy for 2 years, and then I added the math major. Turns out he's a math major too, and by then he had decided to be a doctor. He had worked in Haiti (before the earthquake) and the experience inspired him to be a doctor. It was crazy to see how, from the start, neither of us really had anything to live for, in the purest sense, but 3 years later, somehow both of us had discovered who we wanted to be.
He graduated this past quarter. It was cool talking to him about what he wanted to do and where he was headed, because we both realized just how much college affected us, and how surprising the effect.
It got me thinking about how everyone has this thing that they want to do to make the world a better place. Well, maybe not everyone. But I've definitely met a lot of people at UCLA that want to change the world, and everyone has a slightly different take on what to do. Education reform, science, being a doctor, artist, what have you, it's really amazing how many people have passion.
Will this passion have an impact? I'm not sure... look at the '60s. The ideals of that era remain only in pop culture and maybe some parts of Venice Beach and San Francisco. If we compare our generation to that one we are definitely more tame... so who is to say that we will put up the necessary fight to produce meaningful positive change.
I know college is a bubble, but I'll really miss this environment...it's definitely an inspiring place.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
a letter to StudentsFirst
Michelle Rhee started a website called studentsfirst.org, which is intended to unite those working on education reform and catalyze the improvement of our public schools. Everyone's noticed that education reform is really a popular topic nowadays, so I was excited to see that someone is trying to unite all these conversations and really make something happen.
The problem with the mainstream conversation on education reform is it misses the point. The widely stated concern is that because American students are failing on their test scores, our schools are failing students in their mission to prepare them for competition with other nations in the future (economic future is a term that people like to use). We're all talking about how to improve learning, but in the mainstream the focus is always on improving the kind of learning that has always occurred in US schools.
We're not looking to change that in any way, just improve it. I take issue with this. I believe that the entire approach to education is wrong, and that it has been wrong since public education started. It's not like we got off track only recently, we've been off track for ~100 years. I think focusing on why we educate will help us make better policy towards improving education, which (as a at this point meaningless exercise) would improve test scores. A true education creates revolutionary and creative thinkers, people who can think and create for themselves. People who judge the quality of the work they produce themselves, and can determine what is needed for improvement. They understand when to consult others, but also when to trust their own reasoning. Problem solvers.
A true educated population would destroy the current economic system. This is why we don't discuss the purpose of education, but if we look into it, the end result is it produces people who are empowered to change the world around them. If you don't want to change the world, don't educate your kids.
There is probably 0% chance that anyone at StudentsFirst will actually read this and think about what I mean, but I wrote a letter to them anyway:
"I'm sure other people have said this, but I feel the need to comment on an omission in the StudentFirst mission statement.
What is the end goal of education? And what is StudentFirst's position on the purpose of education? I think people operate with fundamentally different beliefs on what education should accomplish, and this is really where the conversation on reform should start.
Test scores are a (hopeful) means to an end. We hope that high test scores are caused by true learning, but I wonder if the very act of leaving the judgement of the quality of education to someone other than the student strips the student of a voice in the learning process. An empowered learner is one who determines for him or herself whether or not they have learned the material. Our goal should be to create empowered learners, people who can leave school and continue to learn.
Is education merely a tool to further our nation's economic development? No, education develops critical thinking, creating a nation of individuals who ask questions and seek answers based on evidence.
I just think it is important to state specifically what we want education to accomplish, as that will inform the direction of the reform.
Discussing what education should really accomplish is a dangerous thing- this is a much more divisive topic than simply what is needed to improve the current system. I understand that StudentsFirst aims to unite those interested in reform, and such a discussion would likely polarize reformers.
Anyone who has read Pedagogy of the Oppressed or Savage Inequalities understands what is really at stake here. Not everyone agrees with the conclusions reached by such authors, but if we truly want to put students first, we must talk about what it really means to be an educated person, and how society would change as a result."
The problem with the mainstream conversation on education reform is it misses the point. The widely stated concern is that because American students are failing on their test scores, our schools are failing students in their mission to prepare them for competition with other nations in the future (economic future is a term that people like to use). We're all talking about how to improve learning, but in the mainstream the focus is always on improving the kind of learning that has always occurred in US schools.
We're not looking to change that in any way, just improve it. I take issue with this. I believe that the entire approach to education is wrong, and that it has been wrong since public education started. It's not like we got off track only recently, we've been off track for ~100 years. I think focusing on why we educate will help us make better policy towards improving education, which (as a at this point meaningless exercise) would improve test scores. A true education creates revolutionary and creative thinkers, people who can think and create for themselves. People who judge the quality of the work they produce themselves, and can determine what is needed for improvement. They understand when to consult others, but also when to trust their own reasoning. Problem solvers.
A true educated population would destroy the current economic system. This is why we don't discuss the purpose of education, but if we look into it, the end result is it produces people who are empowered to change the world around them. If you don't want to change the world, don't educate your kids.
There is probably 0% chance that anyone at StudentsFirst will actually read this and think about what I mean, but I wrote a letter to them anyway:
"I'm sure other people have said this, but I feel the need to comment on an omission in the StudentFirst mission statement.
What is the end goal of education? And what is StudentFirst's position on the purpose of education? I think people operate with fundamentally different beliefs on what education should accomplish, and this is really where the conversation on reform should start.
Test scores are a (hopeful) means to an end. We hope that high test scores are caused by true learning, but I wonder if the very act of leaving the judgement of the quality of education to someone other than the student strips the student of a voice in the learning process. An empowered learner is one who determines for him or herself whether or not they have learned the material. Our goal should be to create empowered learners, people who can leave school and continue to learn.
Is education merely a tool to further our nation's economic development? No, education develops critical thinking, creating a nation of individuals who ask questions and seek answers based on evidence.
I just think it is important to state specifically what we want education to accomplish, as that will inform the direction of the reform.
Discussing what education should really accomplish is a dangerous thing- this is a much more divisive topic than simply what is needed to improve the current system. I understand that StudentsFirst aims to unite those interested in reform, and such a discussion would likely polarize reformers.
Anyone who has read Pedagogy of the Oppressed or Savage Inequalities understands what is really at stake here. Not everyone agrees with the conclusions reached by such authors, but if we truly want to put students first, we must talk about what it really means to be an educated person, and how society would change as a result."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
devotion
I just spent 4.5 hours preparing and scanning solutions to the practice final (and another handout I made) for my AAP students. Right now I'm sort of frustrated because I don't even know how it took that long, and the majority of the time wasn't even on something productive, it was just on scanning. It's crazy!! Like probably a good 2.5 hours of that was me just sitting at the scanner, waiting for it to scan hella pages (it actually takes a pretty long time, and the software is buggy so it messes up, which means rescanning)...
It made me think about the difference between an idea and really making that idea happen. The difference is devotion to the idea. Anyone can think of an idea. Like I had the idea to make a pretty thorough and challenging practice final, and an additional worksheet on symmetry (since many of my students didn't understand when you can/can't use symmetry to simplify a problem). Sounds easy, but in total it probably took me like 10 hours of work (during finals week, no less) to pull off, from thinking of new problems they haven't done before/researching problems, to designing the worksheet on symmetry (which I've seen no precedent for), to writing out the solutions, correcting my solutions to make sure I made no mistakes, to finally scanning them. I had no idea it would take this long, and now I know why so many professors don't post solutions- it takes longer than you think!!
It really sounds like I'm complaining... I'm not. I'm shocked at how long it took me, but I realized that I wouldn't be willing to spend this much time (and a significant portion on things that don't *directly* benefit my tutees, like scanning the solutions, when I could spend longer finding better problems to put on the final) unless I really cared. I guess that's how you know what you're passionate about- if you're willing to go from the idea to it's execution, regardless of the bullshit in between, then you are passionate about that idea. And believe me, there will always be bullshit standing between a great idea and its execution.
This is also the way I've been thinking about picking a job... like the stuff that engineers do sounds really cool, right? Design an iPod (well, I used to think that would be cool). Make a space shuttle. Design a fuel efficient vehicle. The results are cool for sure. But there's soooo much that goes from idea to execution that you don't think about, and in reality that's what most people working on a project will spend their time on: getting small shit done.
What I realized, though, was I really didn't care enough about the end products produced to do all the small things that lead towards the end result. And I didn't even really enjoy the small shit that much either, it was really tedious. Hence, not gonna be an engineer.
This made me think of my experiences in mentorship, too. I would spend sooo long on annoying things like going to the CSP office, researching where to buy supplies, figuring out how to get around bureaucracy, when those things didn't directly benefit the program. But they needed to be done. If you really care, you make it happen. And even though it was frustrating, I had the bigger picture in mind and knew that this was important. As annoying as it was, I enjoyed the small things more than as an engineer, because at least you're a) interacting with people, b) trying to overcome the man, man, and c) working towards a meaningful future (something I've come to realize is I care more about social reform than technical advancement, although the latter definitely impacts the former, for better or for worse).
tl;dr: Making a vision a reality always has bullshit along the way. I've come to realize that you should spend your time dealing with bullshit you don't mind wading through for the end result. Or, put another way, do something that you can view as a journey, not a destination.
Man, that last sentence is good, if I may say so myself, even if it is cliched. It makes me want to rewrite this whole post with that as the thesis. Eh.
It made me think about the difference between an idea and really making that idea happen. The difference is devotion to the idea. Anyone can think of an idea. Like I had the idea to make a pretty thorough and challenging practice final, and an additional worksheet on symmetry (since many of my students didn't understand when you can/can't use symmetry to simplify a problem). Sounds easy, but in total it probably took me like 10 hours of work (during finals week, no less) to pull off, from thinking of new problems they haven't done before/researching problems, to designing the worksheet on symmetry (which I've seen no precedent for), to writing out the solutions, correcting my solutions to make sure I made no mistakes, to finally scanning them. I had no idea it would take this long, and now I know why so many professors don't post solutions- it takes longer than you think!!
It really sounds like I'm complaining... I'm not. I'm shocked at how long it took me, but I realized that I wouldn't be willing to spend this much time (and a significant portion on things that don't *directly* benefit my tutees, like scanning the solutions, when I could spend longer finding better problems to put on the final) unless I really cared. I guess that's how you know what you're passionate about- if you're willing to go from the idea to it's execution, regardless of the bullshit in between, then you are passionate about that idea. And believe me, there will always be bullshit standing between a great idea and its execution.
This is also the way I've been thinking about picking a job... like the stuff that engineers do sounds really cool, right? Design an iPod (well, I used to think that would be cool). Make a space shuttle. Design a fuel efficient vehicle. The results are cool for sure. But there's soooo much that goes from idea to execution that you don't think about, and in reality that's what most people working on a project will spend their time on: getting small shit done.
What I realized, though, was I really didn't care enough about the end products produced to do all the small things that lead towards the end result. And I didn't even really enjoy the small shit that much either, it was really tedious. Hence, not gonna be an engineer.
This made me think of my experiences in mentorship, too. I would spend sooo long on annoying things like going to the CSP office, researching where to buy supplies, figuring out how to get around bureaucracy, when those things didn't directly benefit the program. But they needed to be done. If you really care, you make it happen. And even though it was frustrating, I had the bigger picture in mind and knew that this was important. As annoying as it was, I enjoyed the small things more than as an engineer, because at least you're a) interacting with people, b) trying to overcome the man, man, and c) working towards a meaningful future (something I've come to realize is I care more about social reform than technical advancement, although the latter definitely impacts the former, for better or for worse).
tl;dr: Making a vision a reality always has bullshit along the way. I've come to realize that you should spend your time dealing with bullshit you don't mind wading through for the end result. Or, put another way, do something that you can view as a journey, not a destination.
Man, that last sentence is good, if I may say so myself, even if it is cliched. It makes me want to rewrite this whole post with that as the thesis. Eh.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
changing tires
I was driving back home an hour ago when suddenly my car hit a huge bump, like a speed bump except on a major street, right next to a light. For a split second my car was literally in midair. When it crashed back down to earth my first thought was "FUCK!". After that I started wondering why there was an ambulance leaving 100 feet away. I kept driving. 100 feet later I noticed my car making some funny sounds, so I pulled over right before the 10 freeway. My right front tire was completely flat! The hubcap was bent at the point where it had contacted the bump and I was pretty much just driving on metal.
Maybe I should keep going, I thought. No, that's a stupid fucking idea. So I turned around and stopped at the gas station across the street. Not knowing what to do, I called the friends I just left and asked them for help. When I called, I asked if they had a AAA membership and if I could use it. For whatever reason I a) didn't think I had a spare tire, b) even if I had a spare tire, (and if I did I had a vague idea of where to find it) I doubted I had the tools necessary to replace the tire. Apparently these things are in all cars, ready to go. Somehow I didn't get the memo...
Sidenote: it's funny how sometimes your ignorance is upset so suddenly, almost like a paradigm shift. It simply wasn't in my worldview (too strong?) to see if I could replace the tire; I vaguely suspected I wouldn't have the parts, etc. And then my friend asks me a few questions and I realize- wait, I don't need AAA???
Luckily I wasn't far away so some friends came and helped me change the tire, as I was clearly completely ignorant on how this strange ritual works. Well, let me tell you, it does. I would've been screwed if it hadn't been for them, they were extremely cool about having to help me out at 1 in the morning. And now I will know that I have all the tools and some of the knowhow to do it myself next time!
Maybe I should keep going, I thought. No, that's a stupid fucking idea. So I turned around and stopped at the gas station across the street. Not knowing what to do, I called the friends I just left and asked them for help. When I called, I asked if they had a AAA membership and if I could use it. For whatever reason I a) didn't think I had a spare tire, b) even if I had a spare tire, (and if I did I had a vague idea of where to find it) I doubted I had the tools necessary to replace the tire. Apparently these things are in all cars, ready to go. Somehow I didn't get the memo...
Sidenote: it's funny how sometimes your ignorance is upset so suddenly, almost like a paradigm shift. It simply wasn't in my worldview (too strong?) to see if I could replace the tire; I vaguely suspected I wouldn't have the parts, etc. And then my friend asks me a few questions and I realize- wait, I don't need AAA???
Luckily I wasn't far away so some friends came and helped me change the tire, as I was clearly completely ignorant on how this strange ritual works. Well, let me tell you, it does. I would've been screwed if it hadn't been for them, they were extremely cool about having to help me out at 1 in the morning. And now I will know that I have all the tools and some of the knowhow to do it myself next time!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
whatever, man, part 2
The spiritual successor of an earlier post...
So in a few days (now it's.. today.), I need to make a decision. I had two offers, one of which I've already rejected because I was against what that company did (although I tricked myself into going there for 2 summers... sooo happy that I finally called to say I will NOT work there!!). So now it's one offer, but still a yes or no decision, and a non-trivial one.
What's at stake here? Probably not much, in the long run, of course. Making decisions like this, I always picture a fork in the road. Once you take one side of the fork, your life opens new paths and branches that would not have been available to you had you taken the other side. For example, I can say with certainty that I would not be the same person that I am today if I went to Berkeley instead of UCLA. Isn't that crazy to think about? Who would I be if I went there instead? I used to regret that decision, but (thankfully) have come to realize that UCLA has challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be challenged. Maybe that speaks more on the ability we have to adapt to our environments, and our natural tendency towards... seeing our present as the ideal outcome. So it's not that one fork or the other is better, it's just different.
Like had I not decided to do mentorship committee, I definitely would be a different person today. And for sure worse off, I think (but this may be because my imagination is limited to what actually happened, and not what might have happened...again, our natural tendency to justify the present).
Being human, I still can't help but feel that there is a better path, just like I now feel UCLA was the better path. And I can't help but try to make sure I end up on the right one. So I ask again: what's at stake here? If I accept the offer, I will gain experience working in public policy as an analyst for a firm that consults for the government on healthcare policy. In many ways this is perfect for what I think my life-plan is: work, gain experience professionally and continue to grow as a person, teach for 5-10 years, and potentially go towards either administration or straight up education reform as a policy maker... honestly not sure what that entails but I would love to work on improving education because I feel that education is at the heart of a cultural revolution, which is the path to a better society.
Anyway, this experience would definitely contribute in that direction... however there is (as always) a catch. 60 hours a week. I know myself. I know I will get sucked into this environment and not come out, not live and meet new people and do other things. You could say I'm terrible at multi-tasking, even when the tasks are not concurrent. That's like anti-multi-tasking. Even as I have grown, and my confidence in expressing who I am has grown, I know that balancing meeting new people in a new place and developing a new family of sorts will be challenging for me with 60 hours a week. I think when I first heard the expected commitment I shied away immediately. Now, I've come to terms with it. It will be a challenge, but so long as I hold myself accountable I will make things work. I say that but I'm still fucking frightened....
No, now the new question is this: my reason for working before teaching is to gain experience. But what if in the course of gaining that experience, I lose that passion for teaching? Where will I be then? Somewhere else I guess, so no problem there. But that would be a pity, to have this desire to do something, and sort of invest towards that aim, only to find the investment returned in another way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that...it's just I foolishly want to know what the best way for me is.
As always, a conflict between emotion and intellect, heart and mind. Logic tells me to gain experience and work before I teach. Emotion tells me to just teach. But do I even really want to teach? I've gotten really comfortable with that thought, but is it possible that in the meantime I have changed? AAP tutoring wasn't quite the cathartic experience I was secretly expecting it to be, although I do enjoy it. My favorite parts are not when I'm explaining something (because I always feel that explaination will pale in comparison to an understanding reached through self-reflection), but when I'm just talking to my students and getting to know them. If I'm lucky I get to learn about their life, who they are, and maybe even what drives them. It doesn't happen often but I'm thankful when it does because that's what makes me the happiest.. just having conversations about that stuff with other people and learning who they are. I've been a little down about tutoring recently because I feel I haven't been doing the best job I can... and I don't know how to improve. I feel like I can be putting more into these sessions, but am not sure how to balance that with allowing my students to learn how to learn on their own, which is the most important part.
I'm writing this second part 2 days later... today is the day to decide. I still haven't reached a solid decision but am leaning more towards getting the public policy job, as it would be good preparation for my future if I don't intend to stay as a teacher but go on to other facets of education reform. I guess my greatest fear is not being true to who I am and what I've been struggling with is whether taking this job is being true to who I am or not. This is an interesting problem because you can frame it in so many different ways and the answer comes out differently. Like if I ask myself, what do I want to do? I want to teach, or be involved in education reform. So why am I doing something else? Because it would contribute towards that goal.
Another thing is I honestly feel like I don't know enough about life to be a teacher. Not that working an office type job will teach me about life in the ways that I need to learn (in fact I probably know enough about office life), but I do feel like I have some more growth to do before I can be an effective teacher.
If I look at it another way, the only thing stopping me from accepting this offer is fear. Fear of the unknown, of a new place, of losing who I think I am, which is foolish to try and hold on to anyway... So am I facing my fears by accepting this offer, or avoiding them by not going into teaching right away?
I have to say I'm pretty fucking lucky to have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to even think about these things... and I'm thankful for it, even if it is hard to decide. I can be proud of either choice I make, which is true for every decision I've made so far except one.
One thing I didn't even consider that my roommate helped me realize is that I don't need to stay at this place for 2-3 years like I keep saying. If it doesn't work out I can leave whenever I want (and they can fire me whenever they want, so it's a nice mutual arrangement... I think I prefer this).
Okay I think I decided now... we'll see how I feel in a couple hours.
So in a few days (now it's.. today.), I need to make a decision. I had two offers, one of which I've already rejected because I was against what that company did (although I tricked myself into going there for 2 summers... sooo happy that I finally called to say I will NOT work there!!). So now it's one offer, but still a yes or no decision, and a non-trivial one.
What's at stake here? Probably not much, in the long run, of course. Making decisions like this, I always picture a fork in the road. Once you take one side of the fork, your life opens new paths and branches that would not have been available to you had you taken the other side. For example, I can say with certainty that I would not be the same person that I am today if I went to Berkeley instead of UCLA. Isn't that crazy to think about? Who would I be if I went there instead? I used to regret that decision, but (thankfully) have come to realize that UCLA has challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be challenged. Maybe that speaks more on the ability we have to adapt to our environments, and our natural tendency towards... seeing our present as the ideal outcome. So it's not that one fork or the other is better, it's just different.
Like had I not decided to do mentorship committee, I definitely would be a different person today. And for sure worse off, I think (but this may be because my imagination is limited to what actually happened, and not what might have happened...again, our natural tendency to justify the present).
Being human, I still can't help but feel that there is a better path, just like I now feel UCLA was the better path. And I can't help but try to make sure I end up on the right one. So I ask again: what's at stake here? If I accept the offer, I will gain experience working in public policy as an analyst for a firm that consults for the government on healthcare policy. In many ways this is perfect for what I think my life-plan is: work, gain experience professionally and continue to grow as a person, teach for 5-10 years, and potentially go towards either administration or straight up education reform as a policy maker... honestly not sure what that entails but I would love to work on improving education because I feel that education is at the heart of a cultural revolution, which is the path to a better society.
Anyway, this experience would definitely contribute in that direction... however there is (as always) a catch. 60 hours a week. I know myself. I know I will get sucked into this environment and not come out, not live and meet new people and do other things. You could say I'm terrible at multi-tasking, even when the tasks are not concurrent. That's like anti-multi-tasking. Even as I have grown, and my confidence in expressing who I am has grown, I know that balancing meeting new people in a new place and developing a new family of sorts will be challenging for me with 60 hours a week. I think when I first heard the expected commitment I shied away immediately. Now, I've come to terms with it. It will be a challenge, but so long as I hold myself accountable I will make things work. I say that but I'm still fucking frightened....
No, now the new question is this: my reason for working before teaching is to gain experience. But what if in the course of gaining that experience, I lose that passion for teaching? Where will I be then? Somewhere else I guess, so no problem there. But that would be a pity, to have this desire to do something, and sort of invest towards that aim, only to find the investment returned in another way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that...it's just I foolishly want to know what the best way for me is.
As always, a conflict between emotion and intellect, heart and mind. Logic tells me to gain experience and work before I teach. Emotion tells me to just teach. But do I even really want to teach? I've gotten really comfortable with that thought, but is it possible that in the meantime I have changed? AAP tutoring wasn't quite the cathartic experience I was secretly expecting it to be, although I do enjoy it. My favorite parts are not when I'm explaining something (because I always feel that explaination will pale in comparison to an understanding reached through self-reflection), but when I'm just talking to my students and getting to know them. If I'm lucky I get to learn about their life, who they are, and maybe even what drives them. It doesn't happen often but I'm thankful when it does because that's what makes me the happiest.. just having conversations about that stuff with other people and learning who they are. I've been a little down about tutoring recently because I feel I haven't been doing the best job I can... and I don't know how to improve. I feel like I can be putting more into these sessions, but am not sure how to balance that with allowing my students to learn how to learn on their own, which is the most important part.
I'm writing this second part 2 days later... today is the day to decide. I still haven't reached a solid decision but am leaning more towards getting the public policy job, as it would be good preparation for my future if I don't intend to stay as a teacher but go on to other facets of education reform. I guess my greatest fear is not being true to who I am and what I've been struggling with is whether taking this job is being true to who I am or not. This is an interesting problem because you can frame it in so many different ways and the answer comes out differently. Like if I ask myself, what do I want to do? I want to teach, or be involved in education reform. So why am I doing something else? Because it would contribute towards that goal.
Another thing is I honestly feel like I don't know enough about life to be a teacher. Not that working an office type job will teach me about life in the ways that I need to learn (in fact I probably know enough about office life), but I do feel like I have some more growth to do before I can be an effective teacher.
If I look at it another way, the only thing stopping me from accepting this offer is fear. Fear of the unknown, of a new place, of losing who I think I am, which is foolish to try and hold on to anyway... So am I facing my fears by accepting this offer, or avoiding them by not going into teaching right away?
I have to say I'm pretty fucking lucky to have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to even think about these things... and I'm thankful for it, even if it is hard to decide. I can be proud of either choice I make, which is true for every decision I've made so far except one.
One thing I didn't even consider that my roommate helped me realize is that I don't need to stay at this place for 2-3 years like I keep saying. If it doesn't work out I can leave whenever I want (and they can fire me whenever they want, so it's a nice mutual arrangement... I think I prefer this).
Okay I think I decided now... we'll see how I feel in a couple hours.
Monday, November 22, 2010
France trip 2007 part 1
Goin' way back. I've decided that I'm a terrible story teller. I can never remember those funny little moments in life, not just to laugh at while in the midst of dropping the kids off at the pool, but to share with others. Also, life is ridiculous, but sometimes I don't see the absurdity in the situation unless I reflect on it. But how would I remember it otherwise? I tend to abstract events big and small, removing the character and detail that makes these events meaningful.
So back in summer of 2007, my friend Theo and I somehow landed a gig in Bretagne, northern France. His grandfather had some part in a traveling science museum (called l'Abret) of sorts that thought it would be useful to have some American interns to spice up their life. Having just finished our first year of college, we were stoked, as it would surely be an awesome time living in France for a month while working on.... wait what were we supposed to do again? We had no idea. I'm not sure they knew what they had in mind for us either.
Prior to starting the internship, my parents and I decided to hang out in France and then Syria for a couple weeks. That will perhaps be the subject of another tale. But the point is, before going to France for this internship, I went to Syria. One thing you're sure to take away from Syria with is stomach problems, and this trip was no exception.
So I land in France, with nothing but my luggage (which had no wheels, and if you've seen Up in the Air you know that's a biiig mistake), diarrhea, and a raging fever. Theo and I were supposed to meet in Charles de Gaulle airport and take the metro to rest at his step-grandmother's place for the night before we moved to Bretagne. Unfortunately for us, her place was not close to the metro.
Let me tell you, not having wheels on my luggage was a big mistake. If you can imagine walking through Paris, trying to decipher street signs at midnight, changing directions and getting lost, please stop. I wouldn't want you to feel the same way. Point is, it sucked.
So we finally got to the grandmother's place at one in the morning (you can imagine her reaction...we felt pretty bad about coming that late), only to find that our parents were worried sick, because apparently we had been out of contact for 3 hours after landing. We pass out for the night, exhausted from traveling both the streets of Paris and the skies of Eurasia.
The next morning we left for Bretagne. I actually really enjoyed going on the TGV; I like public transportation in general. I feel like it forces you to remain in contact with people you otherwise would have no interaction with. After a while you stop talking and just look at the countryside pass by. It's sad that I feel this is the most effective way to communicate the imagery but it was a bit like riding on the Hogwarts Express. Particularly northern France, which even in the summer is sort of foggy, but lush, green, and expansive. Completely different from Paris, in other words.
Bretagne is not just northern France, but the on the coast. A quilt of sandy, tidal (yes, I forgot tides even existed!! hadn't seen that shit except in like bill nye) beaches, and lush green forest and farmland. In addition to the landscape, Bretagne is known for its crepes. I'm not sure if it's just here, or throughout France, but they have more than just dessert crepes. There are these like.. meal crepes, with ham, eggs, and cheese. When we landed in Bretagne we were picked up by Theo's grandparents, who immediately took us to get these crepes. It was fun talking to his grandparents, who were extremely kind, not to mention forgiving of my mediocre French. Still, we were able to hold conversations, with Theo being my babelfish when I didn't know a word or phrase.
On our first day at the job, we finally found out what exactly they wanted us to do: make flash animations to explain electromagnetic phenomena (stuff like waves, electric field, light, faraday's law) to the French public. The end goal was to give patrons an appreciation for the wireless technology available today. We weren't given much direction outside of this end goal and a few experiments, so it was up to us to flesh out the concept and how we wanted to present it. This was my favorite day of this internship, because we spent the rest of our first day figuring out how we wanted to communicate these ideas. I think this was one of the first times I realized how cool lesson planning is, and how interesting it is trying to think of the optimal way to express ideas to other people.
The next two weeks were extremely busy, as we had one month to first learn Flash (which we didn't have, nor did l'Abret provide for, which meant we pirated it, wooo!) and then make something presentable, so we needed to haul ass. Theo and I had very different learning styles, and it was cool seeing our strengths and weaknesses come into play. I was very focused on "learning the basics" of the language, so that when we needed to do something I would have some basis to work with, whereas Theo was more of the "learn as you go" style. He was the pioneer, finding the gold faster than anyone else could. I was making the supports. (Uh, trying to use more metaphors...uh-huh).
Okay this could go on longer but I will continue it in another post...
So back in summer of 2007, my friend Theo and I somehow landed a gig in Bretagne, northern France. His grandfather had some part in a traveling science museum (called l'Abret) of sorts that thought it would be useful to have some American interns to spice up their life. Having just finished our first year of college, we were stoked, as it would surely be an awesome time living in France for a month while working on.... wait what were we supposed to do again? We had no idea. I'm not sure they knew what they had in mind for us either.
Prior to starting the internship, my parents and I decided to hang out in France and then Syria for a couple weeks. That will perhaps be the subject of another tale. But the point is, before going to France for this internship, I went to Syria. One thing you're sure to take away from Syria with is stomach problems, and this trip was no exception.
So I land in France, with nothing but my luggage (which had no wheels, and if you've seen Up in the Air you know that's a biiig mistake), diarrhea, and a raging fever. Theo and I were supposed to meet in Charles de Gaulle airport and take the metro to rest at his step-grandmother's place for the night before we moved to Bretagne. Unfortunately for us, her place was not close to the metro.
Let me tell you, not having wheels on my luggage was a big mistake. If you can imagine walking through Paris, trying to decipher street signs at midnight, changing directions and getting lost, please stop. I wouldn't want you to feel the same way. Point is, it sucked.
So we finally got to the grandmother's place at one in the morning (you can imagine her reaction...we felt pretty bad about coming that late), only to find that our parents were worried sick, because apparently we had been out of contact for 3 hours after landing. We pass out for the night, exhausted from traveling both the streets of Paris and the skies of Eurasia.
The next morning we left for Bretagne. I actually really enjoyed going on the TGV; I like public transportation in general. I feel like it forces you to remain in contact with people you otherwise would have no interaction with. After a while you stop talking and just look at the countryside pass by. It's sad that I feel this is the most effective way to communicate the imagery but it was a bit like riding on the Hogwarts Express. Particularly northern France, which even in the summer is sort of foggy, but lush, green, and expansive. Completely different from Paris, in other words.
Bretagne is not just northern France, but the on the coast. A quilt of sandy, tidal (yes, I forgot tides even existed!! hadn't seen that shit except in like bill nye) beaches, and lush green forest and farmland. In addition to the landscape, Bretagne is known for its crepes. I'm not sure if it's just here, or throughout France, but they have more than just dessert crepes. There are these like.. meal crepes, with ham, eggs, and cheese. When we landed in Bretagne we were picked up by Theo's grandparents, who immediately took us to get these crepes. It was fun talking to his grandparents, who were extremely kind, not to mention forgiving of my mediocre French. Still, we were able to hold conversations, with Theo being my babelfish when I didn't know a word or phrase.
On our first day at the job, we finally found out what exactly they wanted us to do: make flash animations to explain electromagnetic phenomena (stuff like waves, electric field, light, faraday's law) to the French public. The end goal was to give patrons an appreciation for the wireless technology available today. We weren't given much direction outside of this end goal and a few experiments, so it was up to us to flesh out the concept and how we wanted to present it. This was my favorite day of this internship, because we spent the rest of our first day figuring out how we wanted to communicate these ideas. I think this was one of the first times I realized how cool lesson planning is, and how interesting it is trying to think of the optimal way to express ideas to other people.
The next two weeks were extremely busy, as we had one month to first learn Flash (which we didn't have, nor did l'Abret provide for, which meant we pirated it, wooo!) and then make something presentable, so we needed to haul ass. Theo and I had very different learning styles, and it was cool seeing our strengths and weaknesses come into play. I was very focused on "learning the basics" of the language, so that when we needed to do something I would have some basis to work with, whereas Theo was more of the "learn as you go" style. He was the pioneer, finding the gold faster than anyone else could. I was making the supports. (Uh, trying to use more metaphors...uh-huh).
Okay this could go on longer but I will continue it in another post...
Friday, November 19, 2010
Personal development
Arrrgghh sometimes I feel like such a child, you know? It's funny how looking back at our actions, they are so frequently a reflection of our insecurities. I want to get past that so badly, need to get past it to develop as a person. Over the years I've definitely become more aware of my insecurities, most of which involve how I interact with other people/the way I express myself/how I am perceived (which I guess is most of what anyone could be insecure about anyway...), which is a big step forward. But it's frustrating because sometimes I think I've done away with those needless fears, and gained inner peace with who I am, only to run into a new situation which brings all these issues back to the foreground.
For example, I used to leave almost every social interaction feeling horrible because I would think "shit... I should've said this, should've done that, why did I say something so stupid?" I think part of the problem is when I'm around other people my ability to think is greatly reduced... and the more I respect the people I'm around, the worse it gets. Like I have to prove myself or something. See? How insecure.
Actually the problem is very similar to the problem I had as a jazz improviser. In a jazz solo, you are not only tapping into the music you hear in your head, but you are also feeding off of the cues that other people give you. Whenever I would be called for a solo, I would suddenly not hear anything in my head. If you know me pretty well, you know I do crazy shit like drum on my steering wheel, drum on my chest, drum on pretty much any surface that has a decent sound. I always have music in my head. Except when called upon to improvise.
The symbolic thing is, even though I didn't hear anything I would still play notes. I had nothing to say but I made damn sure people knew that I wanted to say something. But whatever I played, that wasn't me. After every solo, I would walk away, with the music I wanted to play so badly ringing in my ears. O why would you forsake me, music, in my time of need?
I took one jazz lesson from the band director, 2 years ago. I'm still learning and trying to apply that lesson to my playing and to my life. He basically told me that I needed to slow down. If I don't hear anything, be patient. Don't play anything until you hear it. I've improved, but it's still a challenge. The moment to express yourself is so short that the pressure to say everything I want to say overwhelms me.
A very similar thing happens for me when I have normal conversations with people...I have all these things I want to say to people, but when it comes time to say them my head is emptied by my overwhelming desire to express the totality of my emotion in one encounter.
Nowadays all I can do is just laugh at myself, which I guess is healthier because now at least I leave most interactions happy instead of upset.
I can see the person I want to be, but sometimes it's just so hard to be that person. A delicate balancing act between staying true to yourself and challenging yourself. You know, you have to be comfortable with who you are, but not so comfortable as to stop changing. I guess take comfort in who you are, but also in who you will become.
For example, I used to leave almost every social interaction feeling horrible because I would think "shit... I should've said this, should've done that, why did I say something so stupid?" I think part of the problem is when I'm around other people my ability to think is greatly reduced... and the more I respect the people I'm around, the worse it gets. Like I have to prove myself or something. See? How insecure.
Actually the problem is very similar to the problem I had as a jazz improviser. In a jazz solo, you are not only tapping into the music you hear in your head, but you are also feeding off of the cues that other people give you. Whenever I would be called for a solo, I would suddenly not hear anything in my head. If you know me pretty well, you know I do crazy shit like drum on my steering wheel, drum on my chest, drum on pretty much any surface that has a decent sound. I always have music in my head. Except when called upon to improvise.
The symbolic thing is, even though I didn't hear anything I would still play notes. I had nothing to say but I made damn sure people knew that I wanted to say something. But whatever I played, that wasn't me. After every solo, I would walk away, with the music I wanted to play so badly ringing in my ears. O why would you forsake me, music, in my time of need?
I took one jazz lesson from the band director, 2 years ago. I'm still learning and trying to apply that lesson to my playing and to my life. He basically told me that I needed to slow down. If I don't hear anything, be patient. Don't play anything until you hear it. I've improved, but it's still a challenge. The moment to express yourself is so short that the pressure to say everything I want to say overwhelms me.
A very similar thing happens for me when I have normal conversations with people...I have all these things I want to say to people, but when it comes time to say them my head is emptied by my overwhelming desire to express the totality of my emotion in one encounter.
Nowadays all I can do is just laugh at myself, which I guess is healthier because now at least I leave most interactions happy instead of upset.
I can see the person I want to be, but sometimes it's just so hard to be that person. A delicate balancing act between staying true to yourself and challenging yourself. You know, you have to be comfortable with who you are, but not so comfortable as to stop changing. I guess take comfort in who you are, but also in who you will become.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Derivation and Proof
This post has two parts:
I: Derivation and Math, and II: Derivation and life...
I:
I don't know why but I (sometimes) really enjoy doing proofs and derivations. Throughout my college career I've always focused more on why something is true than on how to use it, which I guess explains why I became a math major. I feel like the concept of derivation is a philosophically satisfying one because of the following things:
1) By deriving something, you are empowered with the knowledge that has been derived because now you know why it is true, and under what conditions. This gives you a deeper understanding than you would have if you were just given the result on a silver platter. Through the process of proof/derivation, you are one of the owners of that knowledge.
2) Independent thinking. You can't create "new" knowledge (which is essentially what you're trying to do, even if it has been done before) without thinking for yourself. So to me, proofs give you faith in your reasoning abilities.
If you've ever wondered why genius physicists and mathematicians are crazy and sort of outside the scope of social norms, it's because on a daily basis they must challenge the assumptions that they and others hold about the world around them, and must use their independent, logical, critical thinking to re-evaluate how the world functions.
That's the great thing about math and (to some extent) computer science. There's no room for misinformation. If you don't think something is true, you need to go no further than your imagination to show that it is not.
3) For me personally, I can't remember something unless I know why it is true.
This is why I feel math education is sooo important, unlike some other people. It teaches people (ideally) what it takes to prove something, and gives them confidence in the validity of their independent thinking. Sure, I wouldn't say everyone needs to know calculus, but I would say everyone needs to understand how to prove something, and why the math they do know is true.
II:
I've had this idea for a while, hopefully I can do it justice here:
Let me give an example before I describe the general idea. Some people raise their children by creating a system of approval whereby the children gain the approval of the parent by acting in a desired way, for example, by being courteous. When they are not courteous, they are punished. In some cases I've seen people react by only behaving in those ways when their parent is present and able to judge their activities. I'm being really sloppy in my description here... This is "arriving" at the desired behavior without allowing the kid to "derive" it for themselves. There is a reason for courtesy, for doing chores, etc etc. If you don't let them understand that, and instead force them to act a certain way, you're not creating genuine empathy and responsibility etc.
I think developing morals and values, emotions, and many other things, can be looked at in this way... a conflict between spoon-feeding the arrived result (the end) and the derivation (the means that will eventually reach that end). I guess, in short, it's about letting people figure out why something is done a certain way, rather than just telling them how it's done.
In pedagogy this would be the banking system of education vs the problem posing method?
More examples, because this idea sounded way cooler in my head than on paper and I'm running out of stuff to say but still feel like there's more to my idea.
You can't be told what you want to do with your life, you have to derive it for yourself.
Laws are only meaningful if people follow them of their own will... so people have to derive the intent of the law and act accordingly. I feel like too often the spirit of the law is lost in meaningless verbiage, which, while intended to make the law fool-proof, does exactly the opposite.
Emotions- sometimes I feel like people feel a certain way because they know they're supposed to, not because they genuinely feel that way. The way I word this makes it sound like this is a rare event, when really everyone is guilty of this from time to time. But I think about this a lot in terms of derivation... am I just feeling something because I know I should? Or did I really reach this emotional conclusion on my own? In an earlier post, I was basically questioning myself in this way.
I pride myself on being constantly self-critical. Perceiving reality as it truly is, and me as I truly am, is important to my development, as it is for everyone. Inevitably, there will be blind spots in my self-evaluation, but reevaluating things I held as assumptions and re-deriving them is sometimes painful but healthy, right?
Edit: Even more that I meant to write about!
Deriving success in school... I feel like focusing on getting good grades or passing tests is the wrong way to go. Instead, focusing on what interests you, and trying to answer philosophical questions that come up as you digest the material, and generally just trying to actually learn the material instead of act like you've learned it, works better and is more enjoyable... at least I think so. Same thing for like building resumes, getting into college/grad school etc etc... doing it just for the paper is never going to get you as far as doing it for you. And in doing so, you'll get a better result anyway. Deriving "success" in life... I guess...
This, by the way, is why standardized testing will never be a successful way of measuring student progress. It implies, for one thing, that the value of what a student has learned depends on the opinion of someone else, when it really should be the student judging for themselves whether they have learned the material or not. Now obviously, there's an implied contradiction because what about grades and the evaluation teachers do of students? I would say that a teacher's role is more to provide a context in which the student can judge whether they have learned the material... if that makes any sense. Like you do need some feedback to be able to progress and challenge yourself, but standardized tests don't really give you that feedback, they just give you the number. So that tells you that the only importance that knowledge had was that number. That wasn't the intent but that's how it might be interpreted, and has been interpreted when you teach to the test and all that...so deriving metrics for learning, or something?
I: Derivation and Math, and II: Derivation and life...
I:
I don't know why but I (sometimes) really enjoy doing proofs and derivations. Throughout my college career I've always focused more on why something is true than on how to use it, which I guess explains why I became a math major. I feel like the concept of derivation is a philosophically satisfying one because of the following things:
1) By deriving something, you are empowered with the knowledge that has been derived because now you know why it is true, and under what conditions. This gives you a deeper understanding than you would have if you were just given the result on a silver platter. Through the process of proof/derivation, you are one of the owners of that knowledge.
2) Independent thinking. You can't create "new" knowledge (which is essentially what you're trying to do, even if it has been done before) without thinking for yourself. So to me, proofs give you faith in your reasoning abilities.
If you've ever wondered why genius physicists and mathematicians are crazy and sort of outside the scope of social norms, it's because on a daily basis they must challenge the assumptions that they and others hold about the world around them, and must use their independent, logical, critical thinking to re-evaluate how the world functions.
That's the great thing about math and (to some extent) computer science. There's no room for misinformation. If you don't think something is true, you need to go no further than your imagination to show that it is not.
3) For me personally, I can't remember something unless I know why it is true.
This is why I feel math education is sooo important, unlike some other people. It teaches people (ideally) what it takes to prove something, and gives them confidence in the validity of their independent thinking. Sure, I wouldn't say everyone needs to know calculus, but I would say everyone needs to understand how to prove something, and why the math they do know is true.
II:
I've had this idea for a while, hopefully I can do it justice here:
Let me give an example before I describe the general idea. Some people raise their children by creating a system of approval whereby the children gain the approval of the parent by acting in a desired way, for example, by being courteous. When they are not courteous, they are punished. In some cases I've seen people react by only behaving in those ways when their parent is present and able to judge their activities. I'm being really sloppy in my description here... This is "arriving" at the desired behavior without allowing the kid to "derive" it for themselves. There is a reason for courtesy, for doing chores, etc etc. If you don't let them understand that, and instead force them to act a certain way, you're not creating genuine empathy and responsibility etc.
I think developing morals and values, emotions, and many other things, can be looked at in this way... a conflict between spoon-feeding the arrived result (the end) and the derivation (the means that will eventually reach that end). I guess, in short, it's about letting people figure out why something is done a certain way, rather than just telling them how it's done.
In pedagogy this would be the banking system of education vs the problem posing method?
More examples, because this idea sounded way cooler in my head than on paper and I'm running out of stuff to say but still feel like there's more to my idea.
You can't be told what you want to do with your life, you have to derive it for yourself.
Laws are only meaningful if people follow them of their own will... so people have to derive the intent of the law and act accordingly. I feel like too often the spirit of the law is lost in meaningless verbiage, which, while intended to make the law fool-proof, does exactly the opposite.
Emotions- sometimes I feel like people feel a certain way because they know they're supposed to, not because they genuinely feel that way. The way I word this makes it sound like this is a rare event, when really everyone is guilty of this from time to time. But I think about this a lot in terms of derivation... am I just feeling something because I know I should? Or did I really reach this emotional conclusion on my own? In an earlier post, I was basically questioning myself in this way.
I pride myself on being constantly self-critical. Perceiving reality as it truly is, and me as I truly am, is important to my development, as it is for everyone. Inevitably, there will be blind spots in my self-evaluation, but reevaluating things I held as assumptions and re-deriving them is sometimes painful but healthy, right?
Edit: Even more that I meant to write about!
Deriving success in school... I feel like focusing on getting good grades or passing tests is the wrong way to go. Instead, focusing on what interests you, and trying to answer philosophical questions that come up as you digest the material, and generally just trying to actually learn the material instead of act like you've learned it, works better and is more enjoyable... at least I think so. Same thing for like building resumes, getting into college/grad school etc etc... doing it just for the paper is never going to get you as far as doing it for you. And in doing so, you'll get a better result anyway. Deriving "success" in life... I guess...
This, by the way, is why standardized testing will never be a successful way of measuring student progress. It implies, for one thing, that the value of what a student has learned depends on the opinion of someone else, when it really should be the student judging for themselves whether they have learned the material or not. Now obviously, there's an implied contradiction because what about grades and the evaluation teachers do of students? I would say that a teacher's role is more to provide a context in which the student can judge whether they have learned the material... if that makes any sense. Like you do need some feedback to be able to progress and challenge yourself, but standardized tests don't really give you that feedback, they just give you the number. So that tells you that the only importance that knowledge had was that number. That wasn't the intent but that's how it might be interpreted, and has been interpreted when you teach to the test and all that...so deriving metrics for learning, or something?
Monday, November 1, 2010
good shows
So I decided that maybe I shouldn't be all serious on this blog all the time... too much deep shit goin on. So, random thoughts:
I have to say, there are some great shows on right now. Modern Family? 30 Rock? Of course, Daily Show and Colbert Report. South Park.
And perhaps my most cherished, because no one's heard of it except fellow nerds, The Venture Bros. Seriously guys and gals, check this shit out. It's weird but hot DAMN are they creative! Top notch writing, crazy plots, AMAZING character development, episodes drifting from absurdly hilarious to deeply profound... this show is special. This new season is awesome. I would suggest having the patience to watch the first few episodes of the first season. It starts off rocky but gets good. I haaave the dvds, borrow them!!!! While not necessary, watching the show in order will help you get the most out of later episodes...
...what has this blog become...
I have to say, there are some great shows on right now. Modern Family? 30 Rock? Of course, Daily Show and Colbert Report. South Park.
And perhaps my most cherished, because no one's heard of it except fellow nerds, The Venture Bros. Seriously guys and gals, check this shit out. It's weird but hot DAMN are they creative! Top notch writing, crazy plots, AMAZING character development, episodes drifting from absurdly hilarious to deeply profound... this show is special. This new season is awesome. I would suggest having the patience to watch the first few episodes of the first season. It starts off rocky but gets good. I haaave the dvds, borrow them!!!! While not necessary, watching the show in order will help you get the most out of later episodes...
...what has this blog become...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Human nurture
One thing I hear a lot of people say is "it's human nature." For example, socialism won't work because people will take advantage of the system, it's human nature. Wars are a constant in our life, it's human nature. Lying, stealing, corruption. Human nature.
I disagree. I think we should blame human nurture. By this I mean the way in which people are raised, in a very general sense. Everything around them, their parents, peers, media, literally everything from womb on out. We need to change culturally in order to reach this level where such things are seen as immature (or some other word...), rather than a natural part of life. I think we can do this... I have faith in it. Furthermore, our awareness of the impacts of human "nature" should only further our goal of reaching enlightenment as a species.... dang that sounds douchey. But I do think that should be our goal as a group. We can learn from the past, and take that into consideration in our actions.
Will we be perfect? Fuck no. But I think the pursuit of perfection is a good goal in itself.
I want to believe that this can happen. That by helping others, they can help themselves, and eventually, we will all help each other.
My crazy thought of the day is if everyone believed that it would work, then it would. It is simply the lack of faith in such a system that destroys it. Funny how that works. But then I wonder, is the one aspect of human nature, the one that can't be directed by human nurture, to doubt? Something like the Giver... placed in a perfect system, you start to question it, to rebel simply because. Maybe the question is, if all these things were gone from the world, would it be an interesting place to live in?
But that's going a little too far.
I could go on and on about this but I'll just stop here...
I disagree. I think we should blame human nurture. By this I mean the way in which people are raised, in a very general sense. Everything around them, their parents, peers, media, literally everything from womb on out. We need to change culturally in order to reach this level where such things are seen as immature (or some other word...), rather than a natural part of life. I think we can do this... I have faith in it. Furthermore, our awareness of the impacts of human "nature" should only further our goal of reaching enlightenment as a species.... dang that sounds douchey. But I do think that should be our goal as a group. We can learn from the past, and take that into consideration in our actions.
Will we be perfect? Fuck no. But I think the pursuit of perfection is a good goal in itself.
I want to believe that this can happen. That by helping others, they can help themselves, and eventually, we will all help each other.
My crazy thought of the day is if everyone believed that it would work, then it would. It is simply the lack of faith in such a system that destroys it. Funny how that works. But then I wonder, is the one aspect of human nature, the one that can't be directed by human nurture, to doubt? Something like the Giver... placed in a perfect system, you start to question it, to rebel simply because. Maybe the question is, if all these things were gone from the world, would it be an interesting place to live in?
But that's going a little too far.
I could go on and on about this but I'll just stop here...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
current project
Incubus- Summer Romance (Anti Gravity Love Song). Fuuuck.
Stupid blogger is cutting off the right half of the screen though... can't figure that out. whatevs.
Stupid blogger is cutting off the right half of the screen though... can't figure that out. whatevs.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Jobs.
I hate looking for a job. It's literally my least favorite thing to do. I hate working on resumes, I hate talking to recruiters, I hate dressing up and interviewing.
More than anything, though, I hate condensing myself into someone who is good for only one job. Folding myself into this 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper that tells you everything you need to know except the most important things. But baby, if you fold it right it might fly.
Seriously though, does anyone feel that specialization has gone too far? I'm anti-specialization. Definitely, the amount of knowledge out there is so vast that we need experts. Sure, I buy that. But should we hire based on your level of expertise, or on your potential? It all goes towards the structure of education.
More and more, higher education is the place where you go to pick up the specific skills needed for your field. Used to be that all a higher education did was made you more sophisticated, a critical and diverse thinker. Then, based on your ability as a thinker, you would be hired, and on the job you would gain the expertise needed in your field.
But now higher education is like everything else. A factory. Assembly line 1 produces musicians. Line 2 produces doctors. Etc.
Why not have the totality of our being inform our jobs? I feel like that still exists... somewhere. But I don't know where.
More than anything, though, I hate condensing myself into someone who is good for only one job. Folding myself into this 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper that tells you everything you need to know except the most important things. But baby, if you fold it right it might fly.
Seriously though, does anyone feel that specialization has gone too far? I'm anti-specialization. Definitely, the amount of knowledge out there is so vast that we need experts. Sure, I buy that. But should we hire based on your level of expertise, or on your potential? It all goes towards the structure of education.
More and more, higher education is the place where you go to pick up the specific skills needed for your field. Used to be that all a higher education did was made you more sophisticated, a critical and diverse thinker. Then, based on your ability as a thinker, you would be hired, and on the job you would gain the expertise needed in your field.
But now higher education is like everything else. A factory. Assembly line 1 produces musicians. Line 2 produces doctors. Etc.
Why not have the totality of our being inform our jobs? I feel like that still exists... somewhere. But I don't know where.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The business
I literally have like 6 things on my mind right now... simultaneously:
1) School. Duh. 4 classes.
2) Job- AAP Tutoring! Lesson planning. etc
3) Job hunting- for when I finally graduate. Career fairs, resumes, hunting through the endless jobs to find the ones you want....
4) Mship- shit be goin down!
5) Research- writin the paper I was supposed to finish over summer.
6) Keeping in touch!!
Was 2nd week always this busy?
1) School. Duh. 4 classes.
2) Job- AAP Tutoring! Lesson planning. etc
3) Job hunting- for when I finally graduate. Career fairs, resumes, hunting through the endless jobs to find the ones you want....
4) Mship- shit be goin down!
5) Research- writin the paper I was supposed to finish over summer.
6) Keeping in touch!!
Was 2nd week always this busy?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friends
Last night, inspired by another friend who had done the same thing, I sat down and made a list of the people in my life that I wanted to keep in touch with. Rest assured, lucky reader, chances are you are on it if you care enough to read what I'm writing. It was interesting to see the people I've met, the kind of people I really care about, and how the distribution of the friends I make has changed over time. Like for example the vast majority of my friends in high school were guys. Same thing with first year. Used to be a group of guys, you know how it is.
It surprised me that some people I really wanted to keep in touch with I couldn't even really call a friend just yet, or its still developing, while others I've known for 10+ years.
One thing I realized in college was that I started making more diverse friends, but usually not in groups... usually individuals here and there. Some, people that I see often because of mship and camp, class, research, and others that I don't see as often for the exact same reasons. The upside is I have some really great friends, people from (somewhat...) different walks of life and ways of living... buuut the downside is I don't really have a "group" to always count on to hang out with anymore.
I think college has sort of changed what a friend is to me... used to be that to be a friend we had to hang out outside of any commitments or what-have-you. It's been hard for me to understand, but I realized I care a lot about people that I wouldn't really call up on a random night to hang out. I feel like it would be weird to call them outside of our normal context... but maybe that's a mistaken perception.
I also realized that I don't take a lot of initiative in developing friendships... generally most of the people that I've kept in touch with over the years have made more effort than I have, which I'm really thankful for. I guess I avoided doing so because I tend to look at my commitments and go "shit... this needs to get done... i dont have time to call someone up and go through all the motions...".
From studying 6++ hours a day my first two years to losing (and finding) myself to mentorship the past two, somehow having no time for friends was just the price I paid for my ambitions. Which isn't fair to my friends.... so time for a change. My goal is to take more initiative in maintaining old friendships and forming new ones as well!
It surprised me that some people I really wanted to keep in touch with I couldn't even really call a friend just yet, or its still developing, while others I've known for 10+ years.
One thing I realized in college was that I started making more diverse friends, but usually not in groups... usually individuals here and there. Some, people that I see often because of mship and camp, class, research, and others that I don't see as often for the exact same reasons. The upside is I have some really great friends, people from (somewhat...) different walks of life and ways of living... buuut the downside is I don't really have a "group" to always count on to hang out with anymore.
I think college has sort of changed what a friend is to me... used to be that to be a friend we had to hang out outside of any commitments or what-have-you. It's been hard for me to understand, but I realized I care a lot about people that I wouldn't really call up on a random night to hang out. I feel like it would be weird to call them outside of our normal context... but maybe that's a mistaken perception.
I also realized that I don't take a lot of initiative in developing friendships... generally most of the people that I've kept in touch with over the years have made more effort than I have, which I'm really thankful for. I guess I avoided doing so because I tend to look at my commitments and go "shit... this needs to get done... i dont have time to call someone up and go through all the motions...".
From studying 6++ hours a day my first two years to losing (and finding) myself to mentorship the past two, somehow having no time for friends was just the price I paid for my ambitions. Which isn't fair to my friends.... so time for a change. My goal is to take more initiative in maintaining old friendships and forming new ones as well!
Monday, September 13, 2010
The US political system is the way it is because we wanted it this way.
Over the past two years I've learned that there are certain aspects of our culture, American culture, that lead us to have leaders who lie to us, a media that spends more time covering Britney Spears than the war in Afghanistan, and a public that is unengaged in the political process, myself included. Before I try to elaborate, who or what caused this? Are we the people to blame? Or is it the leaders and media? I think it was the leaders/media ("the man"), mostly because it is in our own interest to be engaged in the political process, so why would we start out not wanting to be involved unless someone else made us think that other things were more worthy of our attention?
This is going to be a rant, okay? Okay. Just a random list of things that I think have political implications.
1. People always want to hear the positives, never the negatives. I saw this so much on Committee. People were so concerned with phrasing things in a positive light that the necessary truths to be communicated were instead obfuscated. It's strange how people, when they hear something negative, immediately take a negative attitude towards the person speaking as well.
My point here is... when you only want to hear the good and not the bad, you're putting people in a position to lie to you. By lie I don't mean literally "I said something that is completely untrue." I mean more... misdirection. You don't have to say false things to lie. You just have to confuse the listener, to obscure the reality of what is happening, by focusing on another aspect.
I just feel like because people don't take well to the cold hard truth, it puts leaders in a position to candy-coat the truth, which leads to misinformation and confusion, excluding people from the political process because they don't understand what is truly happening.
You might say, but Raja... it's just human psychology... people like to hear good things more than bad things. My counter is that I think to be human is to try and overcome our base instincts. Yes we have them, yes we should follow them to some extent. But I think to be human is to attempt to unite emotion with intellect. Yes, we love to hear positives over negatives, but by this point we know at an intellectual level that hearing the truth requires both, even if at an emotional level we prefer one over the other.
2. People don't like reading long emails. Let's say I have a lot of information to communicate to you, and the only way to communicate to you and like 100 other people efficiently is via email. It interests me that people, even though they may be super passionate about something, somehow don't have the passion to read the information I need to convey for them to pursue their passion. It needs to have color and be readable in 3 seconds. Seriously? Is this what American media and consumerism has done to us? Not everything that you need is going to come in small soundbytes. Come on now, let's sit still and just read. I think this explains a lot of people's issues with textbooks too... reading and comprehending takes a LONG time. Why do that when you can watch a show and get an immediate, vicarious, sense of accomplishment and belonging.
I admit I'm guilty of this from time to time, but I try hard to read through every email, regardless of length.
I guess my point with this one is how can you think critically and have nuanced opinions if you're not willing to take the time to form them. Our environment is designed, intentionally I think, to distract us from developing our own opinions. Maybe it's a long stretch to connect reading emails to this but I do find it a little ridiculous the lengths that need to be taken to capture people's attention.
This is going to be a rant, okay? Okay. Just a random list of things that I think have political implications.
1. People always want to hear the positives, never the negatives. I saw this so much on Committee. People were so concerned with phrasing things in a positive light that the necessary truths to be communicated were instead obfuscated. It's strange how people, when they hear something negative, immediately take a negative attitude towards the person speaking as well.
My point here is... when you only want to hear the good and not the bad, you're putting people in a position to lie to you. By lie I don't mean literally "I said something that is completely untrue." I mean more... misdirection. You don't have to say false things to lie. You just have to confuse the listener, to obscure the reality of what is happening, by focusing on another aspect.
I just feel like because people don't take well to the cold hard truth, it puts leaders in a position to candy-coat the truth, which leads to misinformation and confusion, excluding people from the political process because they don't understand what is truly happening.
You might say, but Raja... it's just human psychology... people like to hear good things more than bad things. My counter is that I think to be human is to try and overcome our base instincts. Yes we have them, yes we should follow them to some extent. But I think to be human is to attempt to unite emotion with intellect. Yes, we love to hear positives over negatives, but by this point we know at an intellectual level that hearing the truth requires both, even if at an emotional level we prefer one over the other.
2. People don't like reading long emails. Let's say I have a lot of information to communicate to you, and the only way to communicate to you and like 100 other people efficiently is via email. It interests me that people, even though they may be super passionate about something, somehow don't have the passion to read the information I need to convey for them to pursue their passion. It needs to have color and be readable in 3 seconds. Seriously? Is this what American media and consumerism has done to us? Not everything that you need is going to come in small soundbytes. Come on now, let's sit still and just read. I think this explains a lot of people's issues with textbooks too... reading and comprehending takes a LONG time. Why do that when you can watch a show and get an immediate, vicarious, sense of accomplishment and belonging.
I admit I'm guilty of this from time to time, but I try hard to read through every email, regardless of length.
I guess my point with this one is how can you think critically and have nuanced opinions if you're not willing to take the time to form them. Our environment is designed, intentionally I think, to distract us from developing our own opinions. Maybe it's a long stretch to connect reading emails to this but I do find it a little ridiculous the lengths that need to be taken to capture people's attention.
I can't help but connect these things to our political situation. If you say you want to go into politics, people say "get used to lying" or some shit. How sad is that? It speaks volumes about our political system, and our perception of it. We all know politicians lie to us and yet somehow we let it happen. Ultimately it's because they prey on our weaknesses, our fears, our laziness to search for the truth for ourselves. And even if they told us the truth and nothing but, we would eat them alive.
3. People always want to know how something can benefit them. What gain will they get out of this action? I mean I know people have to watch out for themselves, cause it's a tough world out there and all, but I think there's a fine line between making wise choices for yourself and doing something to help everyone else.
If everyone did that what kind of world would we live in? We don't initiate the change because we think that others wouldn't participate, but this is precisely the problem. If everyone bought into the concept, the system would work. I'm being probably super vague right now because I don't want to go too far off on a tangent... this idea will be for another post... "The Prisoner's Dilemma and Utopia" or some shit.
Anyway, it just irritates me when I see that people aren't willing to make sacrifices for something they supposedly care about. Like when you are on a leadership team yet somehow can't bother yourself to wake up early and flier so I don't have to do it by myself every morning. I'm not bitter, I'm just saying that it takes a mindset that I don't agree with to make those choices. And I think it really has to do with the benefit they think they get out of the activity. How much enjoyment, fulfillment, etc. Not everything worth doing has immediate rewards. Immediacy is a symptom of capitalism... when driven to pursue our self interest we forget how to protect our common interests. Tragedy of the commons and all that... except unlike Hardin, I actually think morality is the only solution.
3. People always want to know how something can benefit them. What gain will they get out of this action? I mean I know people have to watch out for themselves, cause it's a tough world out there and all, but I think there's a fine line between making wise choices for yourself and doing something to help everyone else.
If everyone did that what kind of world would we live in? We don't initiate the change because we think that others wouldn't participate, but this is precisely the problem. If everyone bought into the concept, the system would work. I'm being probably super vague right now because I don't want to go too far off on a tangent... this idea will be for another post... "The Prisoner's Dilemma and Utopia" or some shit.
Anyway, it just irritates me when I see that people aren't willing to make sacrifices for something they supposedly care about. Like when you are on a leadership team yet somehow can't bother yourself to wake up early and flier so I don't have to do it by myself every morning. I'm not bitter, I'm just saying that it takes a mindset that I don't agree with to make those choices. And I think it really has to do with the benefit they think they get out of the activity. How much enjoyment, fulfillment, etc. Not everything worth doing has immediate rewards. Immediacy is a symptom of capitalism... when driven to pursue our self interest we forget how to protect our common interests. Tragedy of the commons and all that... except unlike Hardin, I actually think morality is the only solution.
Hmm that's it for now, I'm done ranting...as always, ideas that I need to explore further and find the right way to phrase... this post does not capture the essence of what I feel about these issues. But that's for another day.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
music
I think I'm going to use this space to upload musical fragments as they come to me. Omar-Rodriguez Lopez, guitarist and composer (wow that sounds pretentious) of the Mars Volta, said writing music is like holding a bucket under a leaky faucet. So you're basically wading through a mountain of shit to pick the right sounds... my problem in writing music has been I forget everything I write. No bucket. This blog will be my bucket.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Lesson 2: Everyone has something to offer
In continuing this "what I've learned" series, we come to the second lesson: everyone has something to offer. This is one of those no shit wisdoms that you don't really take to heart until you experience it for yourself, and I was no exception. I think being raised by two parents with a masters/phd changes your idea of the kind of contributions people can make.
I remember being in first grade, and our class project was to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives. In first grade, the only thing I wanted to do was play with toys, so I figured being a cashier at Toys-R-Us or Target or something would be a great job because you got to handle toys all day. My dad did not approve, and made sure that I did not share that particular sentiment with my class the next day.
I think that view really influenced me, growing up. In that environment, it's almost natural to look down on the choices that led that person to be there. It's interesting, since I've met so many more people, heard so many life stories, and been exposed to different value systems, my view on that has changed. It's not like there are life choices that are right and wrong (within some window, obviously), so long as you are happy. And if you need to make ends meet, there's nothing wrong with any job that helps you do that.
That's something I try to keep in mind every time I meet someone, particularly if they are on the job in food service or something else like that. A friend works a job like that, and mentioned how much she appreciated having people call her by her name, rather than just "waitress." From then on, I've tried to use names, and humanize each person I come into contact with. I'm still working on this. It can be difficult when "the system" is not set up to humanize the working person. If each person is made human, the economy couldn't function the way it does now. The concept of working for a giant faceless corporation, without any of your input valued, would no longer be dominant. I need to think about this more but that was an interesting thought.
I remember being in first grade, and our class project was to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives. In first grade, the only thing I wanted to do was play with toys, so I figured being a cashier at Toys-R-Us or Target or something would be a great job because you got to handle toys all day. My dad did not approve, and made sure that I did not share that particular sentiment with my class the next day.
I think that view really influenced me, growing up. In that environment, it's almost natural to look down on the choices that led that person to be there. It's interesting, since I've met so many more people, heard so many life stories, and been exposed to different value systems, my view on that has changed. It's not like there are life choices that are right and wrong (within some window, obviously), so long as you are happy. And if you need to make ends meet, there's nothing wrong with any job that helps you do that.
That's something I try to keep in mind every time I meet someone, particularly if they are on the job in food service or something else like that. A friend works a job like that, and mentioned how much she appreciated having people call her by her name, rather than just "waitress." From then on, I've tried to use names, and humanize each person I come into contact with. I'm still working on this. It can be difficult when "the system" is not set up to humanize the working person. If each person is made human, the economy couldn't function the way it does now. The concept of working for a giant faceless corporation, without any of your input valued, would no longer be dominant. I need to think about this more but that was an interesting thought.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Two years of my life in review
It's crazy to think that it's been two years since I started on this journey. Two years ago, I decided to join mentorship committee. It's interesting to see how this has developed in me over the past two years, and how having significant commitments outside of school has affected how I view school. My first two years of college I used to study more than anyone, probably. I literally studied all the time. After class. Before class. Friday nights. Saturday nights. 6-8 hours a day. Why did I do it? I don't really know. Part of it is I somehow had this sense that it made me better than everyone else, that it made me special. Another part is my whole anal perfectionism thing that I have. Great fun. Another part was the fact that I had regretted going to UCLA over Berkeley, and so tried to make up for what I decided was probably going to be an inferior education experience by studying harder than anyone else.
Two years of that, and then something completely different. School was no longer my priority, it was mentorship. And if I wasn't doing that, I was doing something for research or just hanging out with people. I was thinking about this as I was driving to UCLA today, about how this experience has affected me. It's literally been a paradigm shift for me, to question the vision of success and happiness that I had previously never thought about. I just hope that what I learned from this experience will stay with me as I move on to a new chapter. I hope I will stay as passionate about education, about volunteerism, as I have been these past few years.
I think I'll start posting about things I've learned from this experience, or how I've changed from it. I'll try to post every day or every week to capture what I'm thinking about.
What about today? Let's start with today.
First lesson learned: Work smart.
What does this mean? I used to think that all it took to be successful was to try your hardest. To put everything into the task at hand, to completely dedicate yourself to it. I still think dedication is a huge part of what makes me who I am but I've learned that it's better to take a step back first, and see what would benefit most from your efforts. In mentorship, for example, I wasted valuable energy doing something that should not have been my responsibility. My mindset was, this is my priority. I will do WHATEVER it takes. So why not do this? But it turned out, at the end of the year, that because I had dedicated so much for these other tasks, I had sacrificed working on other, more important things.
I used to think I can just keep working and working and working, like a machine on meth or something. Okay I didn't actually think about the machine on meth part, that was kind of dumb. But I've learned that I should distribute my workload more intelligently, so as to not overburden myself.
That's all for now. More to come soon! Be excited.
Two years of that, and then something completely different. School was no longer my priority, it was mentorship. And if I wasn't doing that, I was doing something for research or just hanging out with people. I was thinking about this as I was driving to UCLA today, about how this experience has affected me. It's literally been a paradigm shift for me, to question the vision of success and happiness that I had previously never thought about. I just hope that what I learned from this experience will stay with me as I move on to a new chapter. I hope I will stay as passionate about education, about volunteerism, as I have been these past few years.
I think I'll start posting about things I've learned from this experience, or how I've changed from it. I'll try to post every day or every week to capture what I'm thinking about.
What about today? Let's start with today.
First lesson learned: Work smart.
What does this mean? I used to think that all it took to be successful was to try your hardest. To put everything into the task at hand, to completely dedicate yourself to it. I still think dedication is a huge part of what makes me who I am but I've learned that it's better to take a step back first, and see what would benefit most from your efforts. In mentorship, for example, I wasted valuable energy doing something that should not have been my responsibility. My mindset was, this is my priority. I will do WHATEVER it takes. So why not do this? But it turned out, at the end of the year, that because I had dedicated so much for these other tasks, I had sacrificed working on other, more important things.
I used to think I can just keep working and working and working, like a machine on meth or something. Okay I didn't actually think about the machine on meth part, that was kind of dumb. But I've learned that I should distribute my workload more intelligently, so as to not overburden myself.
That's all for now. More to come soon! Be excited.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
random thoughts at 2 am
Entourage is interesting. Plan: check out more.
It's frustrating when someone says they support whatever you choose to do, but when you tell them you're doing something besides what they want you to do, they always find a reason why doing that thing is either a) bad for your future, b) morally decadent, or c) misled. Coincidence? I can't help but think not.
Writing music (or trying to) is so frustrating. Ideas come so easily when you're not trying. As soon as you try, everything you think of just sucks. It's like a physical law. How do you then remember what you're randomly thinking about long enough to make use of it? Maybe I should invest in one of those ipod audio recorders so I can sing ideas to myself... maybe not. Maybe that's trying too hard. And then no ideas will come.
Sometimes the hardest thing is to just be yourself. Same idea as above. Being yourself is so easy, when you're not trying, right???? Then as soon as you try, it gets complicated.
I used to think putting in my best, maximal effort, was the solution to everything. It's interesting to know that sometimes not trying as hard, or at least not forcing things to happen, is better. Life is subtle like that.
It's frustrating when someone says they support whatever you choose to do, but when you tell them you're doing something besides what they want you to do, they always find a reason why doing that thing is either a) bad for your future, b) morally decadent, or c) misled. Coincidence? I can't help but think not.
Writing music (or trying to) is so frustrating. Ideas come so easily when you're not trying. As soon as you try, everything you think of just sucks. It's like a physical law. How do you then remember what you're randomly thinking about long enough to make use of it? Maybe I should invest in one of those ipod audio recorders so I can sing ideas to myself... maybe not. Maybe that's trying too hard. And then no ideas will come.
Sometimes the hardest thing is to just be yourself. Same idea as above. Being yourself is so easy, when you're not trying, right???? Then as soon as you try, it gets complicated.
I used to think putting in my best, maximal effort, was the solution to everything. It's interesting to know that sometimes not trying as hard, or at least not forcing things to happen, is better. Life is subtle like that.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Whatever, man
The reason I'm writing today... is I think I realized just now that the reason I can't express myself to some people (usually people who are more articulate than I am) is I have lost the practice of writing. So that's another purpose for writing this blog.... expressing myself to myself. The following is a stream of consciousness thing... not well written at all but maybe it'll help me think.
Anyways, I feel very lost right now. I left for spring break thinking I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life... be a teacher or work in a non-profit, get involved and make a difference. Why do I want to do this? Is it because I think I'm better at doing things for other people than I am for myself? Or is it because I love the philosophical reasons behind doing these things and have a vision for the world that I want to achieve, namely one where every person has equal access to resources, one where people are able to see things from each others point of view and empathize with them... one where no government is necessary because each individual person has a strong set of morals and follows them in such a way that no law would be able to enforce? Somehow, putting that into words stream of consciousness style makes it sound so much less powerful. I haven't thought of a way to clothe it, to dignify these thoughts.
But then the cynicism that has made me so successful as a student comes into play. I start to question myself. Do I really care about these things, or do I just want to care about them? Am I doing it just because it is something that I find appealing from a philosophical standpoint...but do I really enjoy it? What do I enjoy, what are passions? The fundamental conflict facing me, I think, is whether to be the person I want to be, or the person I am. Is there a difference? I think there is. Another issue is not being sure what I want. I'm a committophobe for sure.
So continuing with spring break and knowing what I wanted to do... I got this internship offer from a company that will pay me very well, but to do something that I am not entirely comfortable doing on moral grounds, particularly given my cultural heritage. I'm being vague for a reason. And thinking about whether I want to do this job really made me question what I want out of life, and whether I have the strength to find what I want and stick with it.
For example, why should I take this job if I'm opposed to it morally? It would pay for college, since I'm staying for a 5th year out of pure self-interest and not necessity. My parents have footed the bill for the past 4 years but as I learn about other people taking loans, working, and making sacrifices to do it, I feel this strong desire for financial independence. But even deeper than that (whoa), it's certainty. I already know I have this internship, this career direction (engineering). It's sort of a comfort zone...I know I can be successful in this field. Science, math, engineering, these are certainties for me. The only question is whether I want to or not, whether my passion is aligned with these futures.
Whereas, with the education/volunteerism thing, I haven't looked into it as much as I should have and have only started getting ideas on where to start looking for opportunities. And I wonder, do I have the strength to be a teacher? To do lesson plans, to give myself to my students every day. Do I have the strength to change what it means to be a teacher, to question the established order of education and be a part of the growing movement to improve and completely change it? Do I have the strength to go against what people think is right (in terms of education, but also in general) to do what I think is right? And then I wonder, do I even know what is right...how can I know unless I do a more thorough investigation.
What I'm trying to get at is I'm... afraid. Afraid that if I ditch science and engineering, I won't be able to find my way... that when it really comes down to it, maybe I'm not as passionate about volunteerism and education as I thought. And now I'm afraid that by doing this engineering internship I'll be hiding once more in my comfort zone without putting myself out there and taking a risk. I need to be more willing to take risks, to just say FUCK IT and FAIL.
One question that I saw (for potential interviewers) that I thought was interesting was "When was the last time you failed? How did you handle it?" And my first thought was.... when was the last time I failed spectacularly? I think I was raised to avoid failure, or even the possibility of failure, at all costs. I have definitely failed in many ways, multiple times, at different things, but never with grace. By that I mean failing while laughing at the failure, failing while knowing full well the consequences and being okay with it because it was worth at least trying. Usually when I fail it is because I avoid it. So it is much subtler. For instance, failing to express how I'm feeling right now to my friends... I don't think anyone understands how I feel because I am too embarrassed to go into the full depth of my thoughts. But then, do I even understand how I feel... fuck I complicate things too much.
Sometimes I keep things simple, but right now I'm a tough spot.
I guess in the end the biggest issue I have with the internship is not the moral one, but the implications it has for my maturation as an adult. Namely, by sticking with the safe choice, I am avoiding facing the unknown. Also, most likely the unknown wont involve being able to pay for my 5th year....
Anyways, I feel very lost right now. I left for spring break thinking I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life... be a teacher or work in a non-profit, get involved and make a difference. Why do I want to do this? Is it because I think I'm better at doing things for other people than I am for myself? Or is it because I love the philosophical reasons behind doing these things and have a vision for the world that I want to achieve, namely one where every person has equal access to resources, one where people are able to see things from each others point of view and empathize with them... one where no government is necessary because each individual person has a strong set of morals and follows them in such a way that no law would be able to enforce? Somehow, putting that into words stream of consciousness style makes it sound so much less powerful. I haven't thought of a way to clothe it, to dignify these thoughts.
But then the cynicism that has made me so successful as a student comes into play. I start to question myself. Do I really care about these things, or do I just want to care about them? Am I doing it just because it is something that I find appealing from a philosophical standpoint...but do I really enjoy it? What do I enjoy, what are passions? The fundamental conflict facing me, I think, is whether to be the person I want to be, or the person I am. Is there a difference? I think there is. Another issue is not being sure what I want. I'm a committophobe for sure.
So continuing with spring break and knowing what I wanted to do... I got this internship offer from a company that will pay me very well, but to do something that I am not entirely comfortable doing on moral grounds, particularly given my cultural heritage. I'm being vague for a reason. And thinking about whether I want to do this job really made me question what I want out of life, and whether I have the strength to find what I want and stick with it.
For example, why should I take this job if I'm opposed to it morally? It would pay for college, since I'm staying for a 5th year out of pure self-interest and not necessity. My parents have footed the bill for the past 4 years but as I learn about other people taking loans, working, and making sacrifices to do it, I feel this strong desire for financial independence. But even deeper than that (whoa), it's certainty. I already know I have this internship, this career direction (engineering). It's sort of a comfort zone...I know I can be successful in this field. Science, math, engineering, these are certainties for me. The only question is whether I want to or not, whether my passion is aligned with these futures.
Whereas, with the education/volunteerism thing, I haven't looked into it as much as I should have and have only started getting ideas on where to start looking for opportunities. And I wonder, do I have the strength to be a teacher? To do lesson plans, to give myself to my students every day. Do I have the strength to change what it means to be a teacher, to question the established order of education and be a part of the growing movement to improve and completely change it? Do I have the strength to go against what people think is right (in terms of education, but also in general) to do what I think is right? And then I wonder, do I even know what is right...how can I know unless I do a more thorough investigation.
What I'm trying to get at is I'm... afraid. Afraid that if I ditch science and engineering, I won't be able to find my way... that when it really comes down to it, maybe I'm not as passionate about volunteerism and education as I thought. And now I'm afraid that by doing this engineering internship I'll be hiding once more in my comfort zone without putting myself out there and taking a risk. I need to be more willing to take risks, to just say FUCK IT and FAIL.
One question that I saw (for potential interviewers) that I thought was interesting was "When was the last time you failed? How did you handle it?" And my first thought was.... when was the last time I failed spectacularly? I think I was raised to avoid failure, or even the possibility of failure, at all costs. I have definitely failed in many ways, multiple times, at different things, but never with grace. By that I mean failing while laughing at the failure, failing while knowing full well the consequences and being okay with it because it was worth at least trying. Usually when I fail it is because I avoid it. So it is much subtler. For instance, failing to express how I'm feeling right now to my friends... I don't think anyone understands how I feel because I am too embarrassed to go into the full depth of my thoughts. But then, do I even understand how I feel... fuck I complicate things too much.
Sometimes I keep things simple, but right now I'm a tough spot.
I guess in the end the biggest issue I have with the internship is not the moral one, but the implications it has for my maturation as an adult. Namely, by sticking with the safe choice, I am avoiding facing the unknown. Also, most likely the unknown wont involve being able to pay for my 5th year....
Saturday, February 13, 2010
So it goes.
Do you like the name? I think it's all right... I wanted something that was somewhat unique and represented who I am. Then I quite randomly thought about Office Space and the "Jump to Conclusions" mat. And then I thought, any name I came up with would probably be seen in the same light as the jump to conclusions mat: the inventor thinks it's awesome, but no one else does. So there's the name, glad we took care of that... It was definitely an obstacle to starting this blog.
I'm not sure why I'm starting a blog, or for whom. Is this for me? To talk about my feelings, thoughts, etc, as though they were just on paper when it's really an open forum? Or is it for you to get to know me better, to grab your attention? Maybe. I'd like think it's because I want to practice writing, recording my thoughts and ideas as they occur to me. Who knows... maybe some of these things will resonate with other people, right? That's the idea I guess.
I'm not sure why I'm starting a blog, or for whom. Is this for me? To talk about my feelings, thoughts, etc, as though they were just on paper when it's really an open forum? Or is it for you to get to know me better, to grab your attention? Maybe. I'd like think it's because I want to practice writing, recording my thoughts and ideas as they occur to me. Who knows... maybe some of these things will resonate with other people, right? That's the idea I guess.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)