whatever, man, part 2

The spiritual successor of an earlier post...

So in a few days (now it's.. today.), I need to make a decision. I had two offers, one of which I've already rejected because I was against what that company did (although I tricked myself into going there for 2 summers... sooo happy that I finally called to say I will NOT work there!!). So now it's one offer, but still a yes or no decision, and a non-trivial one.

What's at stake here? Probably not much, in the long run, of course. Making decisions like this, I always picture a fork in the road. Once you take one side of the fork, your life opens new paths and branches that would not have been available to you had you taken the other side. For example, I can say with certainty that I would not be the same person that I am today if I went to Berkeley instead of UCLA. Isn't that crazy to think about? Who would I be if I went there instead? I used to regret that decision, but (thankfully) have come to realize that UCLA has challenged me in exactly the ways I needed to be challenged. Maybe that speaks more on the ability we have to adapt to our environments, and our natural tendency towards... seeing our present as the ideal outcome. So it's not that one fork or the other is better, it's just different.

Like had I not decided to do mentorship committee, I definitely would be a different person today. And for sure worse off, I think (but this may be because my imagination is limited to what actually happened, and not what might have happened...again, our natural tendency to justify the present).

Being human, I still can't help but feel that there is a better path, just like I now feel UCLA was the better path. And I can't help but try to make sure I end up on the right one. So I ask again: what's at stake here? If I accept the offer, I will gain experience working in public policy as an analyst for a firm that consults for the government on healthcare policy. In many ways this is perfect for what I think my life-plan is: work, gain experience professionally and continue to grow as a person, teach for 5-10 years, and potentially go towards either administration or straight up education reform as a policy maker... honestly not sure what that entails but I would love to work on improving education because I feel that education is at the heart of a cultural revolution, which is the path to a better society.

Anyway, this experience would definitely contribute in that direction... however there is (as always) a catch. 60 hours a week. I know myself. I know I will get sucked into this environment and not come out, not live and meet new people and do other things. You could say I'm terrible at multi-tasking, even when the tasks are not concurrent. That's like anti-multi-tasking. Even as I have grown, and my confidence in expressing who I am has grown, I know that balancing meeting new people in a new place and developing a new family of sorts will be challenging for me with 60 hours a week. I think when I first heard the expected commitment I shied away immediately. Now, I've come to terms with it. It will be a challenge, but so long as I hold myself accountable I will make things work. I say that but I'm still fucking frightened....

No, now the new question is this: my reason for working before teaching is to gain experience. But what if in the course of gaining that experience, I lose that passion for teaching? Where will I be then? Somewhere else I guess, so no problem there. But that would be a pity, to have this desire to do something, and sort of invest towards that aim, only to find the investment returned in another way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that...it's just I foolishly want to know what the best way for me is.

As always, a conflict between emotion and intellect, heart and mind. Logic tells me to gain experience and work before I teach. Emotion tells me to just teach. But do I even really want to teach? I've gotten really comfortable with that thought, but is it possible that in the meantime I have changed? AAP tutoring wasn't quite the cathartic experience I was secretly expecting it to be, although I do enjoy it. My favorite parts are not when I'm explaining something (because I always feel that explaination will pale in comparison to an understanding reached through self-reflection), but when I'm just talking to my students and getting to know them. If I'm lucky I get to learn about their life, who they are, and maybe even what drives them. It doesn't happen often but I'm thankful when it does because that's what makes me the happiest.. just having conversations about that stuff with other people and learning who they are. I've been a little down about tutoring recently because I feel I haven't been doing the best job I can... and I don't know how to improve. I feel like I can be putting more into these sessions, but am not sure how to balance that with allowing my students to learn how to learn on their own, which is the most important part.

I'm writing this second part 2 days later... today is the day to decide. I still haven't reached a solid decision but am leaning more towards getting the public policy job, as it would be good preparation for my future if I don't intend to stay as a teacher but go on to other facets of education reform. I guess my greatest fear is not being true to who I am and what I've been struggling with is whether taking this job is being true to who I am or not. This is an interesting problem because you can frame it in so many different ways and the answer comes out differently. Like if I ask myself, what do I want to do? I want to teach, or be involved in education reform. So why am I doing something else? Because it would contribute towards that goal.

Another thing is I honestly feel like I don't know enough about life to be a teacher. Not that working an office type job will teach me about life in the ways that I need to learn (in fact I probably know enough about office life), but I do feel like I have some more growth to do before I can be an effective teacher.

If I look at it another way, the only thing stopping me from accepting this offer is fear. Fear of the unknown, of a new place, of losing who I think I am, which is foolish to try and hold on to anyway... So am I facing my fears by accepting this offer, or avoiding them by not going into teaching right away?

I have to say I'm pretty fucking lucky to have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to even think about these things... and I'm thankful for it, even if it is hard to decide. I can be proud of either choice I make, which is true for every decision I've made so far except one.

One thing I didn't even consider that my roommate helped me realize is that I don't need to stay at this place for 2-3 years like I keep saying. If it doesn't work out I can leave whenever I want (and they can fire me whenever they want, so it's a nice mutual arrangement... I think I prefer this).

Okay I think I decided now... we'll see how I feel in a couple hours.