India: Part 1

I've avoided writing a reflection of my trip for a while now. For over a month, I've stalled and stalled, due to equal parts laziness and... not really knowing how to express what happened. In any case, now I have the advantage of perspective (letting the trip marinate), but I lose out on the finer details that bring the trip to life. I think I've reached the point where I need to use this medium as a tool for me to understand how I feel.

First impressions
We left for India on Monday June 13th, around noon. After a short layover in China, we landed in New Delhi at the ripe hour of 1 am, Wednesday morning. I think one of my first thoughts was... this isn't that hot. This isn't that chaotic. I can handle this... I got this!

We shopped around for a taxi that could take us to the guesthouse we were going to stay at for the next few days. Luckily for us, the driver had no idea where this place was, but we headed out anyway, my dad babbling in Hindi to the driver, ordering him to stay on the right side of the road. Whether the driver couldn't understand him or simply chose to ignore him, we will never know.

Another thought that quickly entered my head was how remarkably similar this felt to Syria... people out and about at 3 in the morning... old, loud, and smelly cars, dilapidated buildings built mostly of concrete. An odd mix of things imported and built in the fifties with modern technology, like new moss on a rotting log. A sense of desperation, that people would do whatever it takes to put bread on the table, even if it was just for one day. Picture a man riding a rusted bike, talking on a cell phone, hauling twenty or thirty propane tanks balanced precariously on top of each other, while weaving through traffic, which is composed of people, bikes, cars, trucks, cows, all going in different directions.

But also, a mixture of ancient architecture with harsh new buildings, like dirty shells surrounding the pearl of the oyster, hiding it from view. An incredible beauty...thousands of thousands of years of history. More ways of living and thinking than there are people in Los Angeles. No concept of a "fake" person because that is a luxury only afforded to Hollywood. But all this is of course not readily apparent when you are driving through the streets of Delhi at 3 am.

Week 1: Delhi and Jaipur
First day we met up with my dad's old friend, from back in high school and through college. We then went to IIT Delhi, where my dad and his (for lack of a better phrase) bros worked post-college for a couple years. It was cool meeting friends that my dad had never once mentioned, but maybe that had something to do with the fact that he hadn't seen these people in 35 years. In spite of that, they got on like it had been a couple months or something, which was comforting.

After lunch, my dad and I left the campus to explore the city a little. We found one of the millions of "auto rickshaws" (basically green and yellow motorized tricycles with a cover, ideal for darting in between cars, cows, or what have you). Our driver, Raja (yes, haha) turned out to be quite the enterprising fellow, as he immediately started trying to monopolize our transportation, in addition to suggesting a few stores we should drop by. We did go to a camera shop he suggested, as the camera we brought used 4 AA batteries every 5 minutes, making it worse than worthless.

Anyway, we first went to a place called Qutab Minar, which is basically a site built by a Muslim king. There's an iron shaft that hasn't rusted in a couple hundred years, which people are still trying to figure out. This place definitely reminded me of Syria, with its architecture/art style, which is largely Islamic (ie geometric patterns instead of representing people). But there was one crucial difference...the addition of Hindu and Buddhist art styles as well.

This was a running theme throughout the trip, the unity of these "separate" cultures, which is really just a British interpretation of Indian history, which was taken up by Indians themselves, creating the current conflict. Point is, the "Hindu v Muslim" conflict is completely artificial, the unfortunate consequence of a misinterpretation of history appropriated by people looking to define what is Indian and what is not.

After we saw that we continued on to see the Lotus Temple, a Baha'i temple shaped, not surprisingly, like a lotus. Then we returned after a solid day of touring the city to our guesthouse, and reunited with my dad's friend to have dinner.

The next day was pretty different, and was one of the hardest days of the trip. With his friend gone, dad decided we should check out places in the heart of the city. We headed out to one place, called Redfort (literally a red fort, with a bunch of Indian political buildings set against British-era stuff). The area surrounding it was crazy.... people everywhere. I really don't know how to put in words the teeming mass of life surrounding this place. People begging everywhere... which I had a lot of trouble with because I just don't know how to handle that... going into the trip I wasn't sure how I would react to the poverty that I encountered... I'm still not sure how I felt. Less emotional than I anticipated, but in a guarded way, steeling myself and holding back to avoid having to deal with an incredible guilt, an involuntary sense of revulsion, coupled with attempting to mask these emotions.

After Redfort we started planning the next few days of our trip. Our plan was to go to Jaipur in two days (Saturday) and go to Kalkata immediately afterward. I don't know why but I didn't like planning these things... I think it has something to do with the fact that I hate spending money. Seeing my dad drop thousands of rupees on our trip to Jaipur, and to the Taj Mahal (in the last week of the trip), in the backdrop of people starving on the street, was just too much for me. I hated feeling like a spoiled little tourist, wasting money when so many people needed it so desperately more than I did. I tried to express this to my dad, who kind of brushed off how uncomfortable I was with this.

We then tried to get to the outskirts of the city to see my aunt and cousins, for the first time. My dad hadn't seen them in 35 years. I was really excited to meet them... a sense of anticipation...what would they be like, and what would I learn about myself in the process? Getting there was pretty ridiculous. Public transportation didn't extend beyond the city, so we tried to take an auto rickshaw. However, they lived in a different district, so the union that the driver was in would not allow him to cross the border. This meant at the border, we had to change drivers, which for whatever reason turned out to be really complicated.

Anyway, we got there pretty late and ended up staying for an hour. When I met my aunt she immediately embraced me, although we could not speak to each other. She was much older than my dad, and at first I wasn't even sure if she was my aunt because she and my dad did not exactly act like I imagined brother and sister would act. My cousin and her husband were incredibly kind. My cousin told us that my aunt was afflicted with depression, and dementia due to the roots of her teeth affecting her brain... we also learned that my other cousin was hospitalized due to a negative reaction to chemotherapy.

It was strange to hear this news... I really didn't know how to feel. I don't even know if I felt anything. Which I then would feel guilty about, building a shit castle of emotion on top of a base of guilt. On the drive back, I tried to convince my dad to either return to Delhi one day earlier, or to cancel our trip to the Taj Mahal so that we could see my hospitalized cousin. This got into the relationship my dad has with his family... I wanted to understand why my dad didn't see his family for so long. I still don't really understand but at this point he felt that it would be "fake" to suddenly care and try and show up... who were we to show up so randomly?

After that day, either from genuine guilt or from guilt at not feeling anything, I started to view everything as a luxury. Showers? I limited my water so that I wasn't running it continuously, like we do back in the states. I felt horrible eating out because that meant we were living like kings.

It was only Thursday, and it felt like we were going to be here forever... I started keeping track of how much longer the trip was going to last.

Friday was a much easier day, as we again spent it with my dad's professor-type friends. We met one of his friends who I found pretty interesting. He started out as a professor of electrical engineering, but ended up making his own school. One of his students did a science fair style project on the tensile strength of bamboo, which piqued his curiosity on the subject and now he is pretty much the professor of bamboo research. In India, there are essentially no forests, so everything is built purely of concrete. This is horribly expensive, bad for the environment, and not particularly resilient. Bamboo, on the other hand, has the potential to be cheap, sustainable, and hardy. It was cool to see someone trying to improve the living situation, and to hear how he, through a series of small steps, transformed his occupation to what it is now.

spring quarter

It's that time ladies and gents... the end of college is nigh. What the fuck happened? All I can say at this point is, it's been an awesome ride. I started college very critical of the stereotypical college image/student, and yet somehow, in a way, I ended up conforming to that image.

More reflections later, but for now, here are some things I want to see happen:

1. Hang OUT! Seriously, I am down for anything and want to make the most of spring with good friends old and new. This one is really the most important because the rest I can accomplish on my own, anywhere.

2. Exercise. I'm writing this because I know if I don't post it publicly I won't hold myself to it... but I really want to get in the habit of going to the gym at least 3 times a week, not just for health reasons (heart problems on both sides of my family woo) but to feel good about myself.

3. Cooking. I ate out a lot last quarter. The thing is, eating out is very social... like if you want to catch up with someone, you go out and get some dinner or something. But it doesn't have to be that way. Why not cook in someone's apartment instead? I ran into a few websites on accident recently that got me really excited about actually following recipes, which is something I never do. Soo I want to cook new things more often!

4. Music. I've really been slacking on this front... I literally cannot finish writing anything. I'll be really diggin this idea, and then I think about it later and decide it's really lame. I feel like I just need to be in the right place and be willing to ride that emotion all the way to its full expression. Like what will happen is I'm feeling something and I'll play it on the guitar. Then I'll be like... this is actually not too bad, I might be able to develop it more. BUT I dont. Sigh.

black swan

Black Swan was a really interesting movie to me. I watched it about a month ago, and have been meaning to blog about it since... but I have so many ideas on what to write about that I've been overwhelmed... I wish I could devote more to this post but I'm just going to let it out as is:

I really related to it, actually. So really the whole point of the movie is to examine Natalie Portman's character as she seeks perfection. It was kind of a hard movie to watch because you are literally in Nina's (Natalie Portman's) universe pretty much the whole time- there's no escape. Even traveling shots were right over her shoulder or right in front of her, so you never really get an objective version of the story (if that would even make sense). As she goes insane, it's painful- she tears stuff out of her body, shit happens but then we realize it didn't actually happen, and we as the audience feel the growing tension in Nina as the big show approaches. On an emotional level the movie grabbed me.

I think if anything, my parents gave me a passion for perfection. This actually makes it really hard for me or other people to distinguish what I'm truly passionate about, as I tend to put my all in pretty much everything I do. I think this has its roots in an identity crisis- I have a tendency to define myself by what I devote myself to. For example, my first two years in college, I devoted myself completely to studying, and then the two years following my focus was on mentorship. I think it is in part because of my identity issues or whatever that I tend to do this.

This year has been a challenge as I've been trying to distance myself from that tendency... finding myself in absence of being enveloped by some greater cause. That is not to say that I am not committed to some cause, just that I don't let it solely define me. It's all about finding that balance between seeking complete perfection for its own sake and pure, spontaneous passion. I really think for Nina it's the same thing- for her the goal is perfection, the relationship her art has to emotion is merely by association with how other people approach dance. It's not like for her there's necessarily an emotional release with every performance.

But more than that the movie makes a statement about artists and the relationship the artist has with him/herself. Like even the sex scene, and the whole "playing with herself" stuff was really about finding passion and reconnecting with yourself in order to heighten your art. And the way that Nina had in Lily (Mila Kunis) the black swan version of herself...to the point where I humored the idea that Lily was made up by Nina/was Nina, in a Fight Club sort of way. True art is a balance between technique (mind) and pure inspiration/creation (heart), and the true artist must fight between these two extremes.

Another thing the movie made me think about is how crazy you have to be as an artist, or just as someone completely devoted to something. Have you ever lost yourself to something, completely? To the point where that one thing is the only thing you live and breathe, the very reason you wake up each and every morning. Where you know every minute detail, and at night you dream about it, resolving conflicts through sleep. Where any other activity is expendable, and should it be necessary you would return to the subject of your devotion immediately. It's to the point where you're not even enjoying it or doing it for the reason you started... it's come to define who you are to such a large extent that that is all you have. That's a particular kind of crazy. I don't know if I can describe it better than that but I think it's important to experience at least once.

distributed responsibility

Last night I was walking back from class, and I noticed that a sprinkler was broken on Strathmore. Water was spurting out of it, forming a leaning column of water around 8 feet high. I was walking on the opposite sidewalk, but there was no avoiding the fact that there was a shit load of water being dumped out every second, watering the concrete. I took another step as I thought to myself... surely someone else noticed this and reported it already. After all, how could someone else NOT report it, right? Such an egregious waste of water would have been quickly taken care of, if the manager of the apartment right in front of the sprinkler wasn't already taking care of it.

One more step forward. I started thinking about how many times I had walked by some problem or issue that I had assumed someone else was taking care of already. A car pulled over on the freeway; a stranger looking upset and alone; a lost dog with no owner, wandering on campus. Step. Each time, I thought to myself... I don't have time to deal with this right now. Someone else will. Step.

Doesn't everyone feel that way? Step. Turn. Cross.

The manager's number was on a sign. I called it. No response. I snaked around the gushing water to walk into the apartment complex and found the manager's apartment. Knock knock. No response.

By this time the sprinklers had turned off, so I left.

The next day, today, I get a call from the manager. I told him what I saw and he was shocked. He had no idea that this was going on. I was surprised, but fascinated, that no one else had reported this. Not even tenants, who surely had to walk around the water just as I had.

collective impact

"In short, the nonprofit sector most frequently operates using an approach that we call isolated impact. It is an approach oriented toward finding and funding a solution embodied within a single organization, combined with the hope that the most effective organizations will grow or replicate to extend their impact more widely. Funders search for more effective interventions as if there were a cure for failing schools that only needs to be discovered, in the way that medical cures are discovered in laboratories. As a result of this process, nearly 1.4 million nonprofits try to invent independent solutions to major social problems, often working at odds with each other and exponentially increasing the perceived resources required to make meaningful progress. Recent trends have only reinforced this perspective. The growing interest in venture philanthropy and social entrepreneurship, for example, has greatly benefited the social sector by identifying and accelerating the growth of many high-performing nonprofits, yet it has also accentuated an emphasis on scaling up a few select organizations as the key to social progress."

Collective Impact

serendipity

Sometimes I can't help but feel that life is too fantastic to be an accident. When looking at it out of its context, our lives are composed of small, meaningless events, like single notes in a song. But we stumble on something, completely by accident, and then suddenly it swells and becomes the most meaningful part of our lives. And there was no predicting that, or forcing it, either. There are too many cliched metaphors for this, from a snowball to an avalanche, a butterfly to a tornado, and so on.

Like if I think about how I've met the people I know, and how they came to be a big part of my life, it was rarely ever an intentional process, at least at first. Every friend was a happy accident.

Like any scientific discovery, the most important moments of our lives are out of our control. (Or have you ever wondered how people discovered edible foods, spices, fire, and how to cook? etc etc. talk about serendipity!)

I met this one guy, let's call him Mark, my first week at UCLA. I was just sitting in the dining hall, eating by myself, and this guy asks if he can join me. We talk and realize that we have some stuff in common- he's full Syrian, I'm half. And so on. It was really cool of him to take the initiative but at the time I didn't think much of it. But every time after that, when we saw each other walking from class, we would say hi.

I didn't see this guy for 2 years, and then I added the math major. Turns out he's a math major too, and by then he had decided to be a doctor. He had worked in Haiti (before the earthquake) and the experience inspired him to be a doctor. It was crazy to see how, from the start, neither of us really had anything to live for, in the purest sense, but 3 years later, somehow both of us had discovered who we wanted to be.

He graduated this past quarter. It was cool talking to him about what he wanted to do and where he was headed, because we both realized just how much college affected us, and how surprising the effect.

It got me thinking about how everyone has this thing that they want to do to make the world a better place. Well, maybe not everyone. But I've definitely met a lot of people at UCLA that want to change the world, and everyone has a slightly different take on what to do. Education reform, science, being a doctor, artist, what have you, it's really amazing how many people have passion.

Will this passion have an impact? I'm not sure... look at the '60s. The ideals of that era remain only in pop culture and maybe some parts of Venice Beach and San Francisco. If we compare our generation to that one we are definitely more tame... so who is to say that we will put up the necessary fight to produce meaningful positive change.

I know college is a bubble, but I'll really miss this environment...it's definitely an inspiring place.

a letter to StudentsFirst

Michelle Rhee started a website called studentsfirst.org, which is intended to unite those working on education reform and catalyze the improvement of our public schools. Everyone's noticed that education reform is really a popular topic nowadays, so I was excited to see that someone is trying to unite all these conversations and really make something happen.

The problem with the mainstream conversation on education reform is it misses the point. The widely stated concern is that because American students are failing on their test scores, our schools are failing students in their mission to prepare them for competition with other nations in the future (economic future is a term that people like to use). We're all talking about how to improve learning, but in the mainstream the focus is always on improving the kind of learning that has always occurred in US schools.

We're not looking to change that in any way, just improve it. I take issue with this. I believe that the entire approach to education is wrong, and that it has been wrong since public education started. It's not like we got off track only recently, we've been off track for ~100 years. I think focusing on why we educate will help us make better policy towards improving education, which (as a at this point meaningless exercise) would improve test scores. A true education creates revolutionary and creative thinkers, people who can think and create for themselves. People who judge the quality of the work they produce themselves, and can determine what is needed for improvement. They understand when to consult others, but also when to trust their own reasoning. Problem solvers.

A true educated population would destroy the current economic system. This is why we don't discuss the purpose of education, but if we look into it, the end result is it produces people who are empowered to change the world around them. If you don't want to change the world, don't educate your kids.

There is probably 0% chance that anyone at StudentsFirst will actually read this and think about what I mean, but I wrote a letter to them anyway:

"I'm sure other people have said this, but I feel the need to comment on an omission in the StudentFirst mission statement.

What is the end goal of education? And what is StudentFirst's position on the purpose of education? I think people operate with fundamentally different beliefs on what education should accomplish, and this is really where the conversation on reform should start.

Test scores are a (hopeful) means to an end. We hope that high test scores are caused by true learning, but I wonder if the very act of leaving the judgement of the quality of education to someone other than the student strips the student of a voice in the learning process. An empowered learner is one who determines for him or herself whether or not they have learned the material. Our goal should be to create empowered learners, people who can leave school and continue to learn.

Is education merely a tool to further our nation's economic development? No, education develops critical thinking, creating a nation of individuals who ask questions and seek answers based on evidence.

I just think it is important to state specifically what we want education to accomplish, as that will inform the direction of the reform.

Discussing what education should really accomplish is a dangerous thing- this is a much more divisive topic than simply what is needed to improve the current system. I understand that StudentsFirst aims to unite those interested in reform, and such a discussion would likely polarize reformers.

Anyone who has read Pedagogy of the Oppressed or Savage Inequalities understands what is really at stake here. Not everyone agrees with the conclusions reached by such authors, but if we truly want to put students first, we must talk about what it really means to be an educated person, and how society would change as a result."